Creeper of Change

I remember it was dark, quiet, cold and I felt on the brink of a scare attack, there were so many excuses rolling around in my mind of how to get away from what I was about to face.  It was as I laid in my bedroom, in the dark, feeling scared out of my mind, cold and tears rolling down my face as I had many ideas popping in and out of my head of how can I do this?, I can't do this. 

As I was laying there in tears remembering the beat I took to my whole life, which was called change and how it affected my whole being, how it actually brought on certain issues to my body, yet again I was faced with bigger changes, bigger challenges, not just one but three were on the horizon.  Never in the most of my life have I've ever been to bed before 3am yet here I was lying in bed 9:35pm with thoughts invading all of my space, new job, new schedule and more to add, a show to do on TV that mind you was a dream of mine to do for the longest time on the topic of grief, yet in tears I laid. 

Then just as I felt the tears would not stop, I remember in that silence the whispers to my silence, "how is it that you lay here crying and so scared of these big changes?, when just over two years ago you went through the biggest crashing changes that anyone could never believe?, Your life turned totally upside down as you lay on rock bottom, losing your husband, your life, yet here you"re standing strong, so why now are you even flinching to the greatest of changes happening now?"

As I looked to the little light coming through the window of my room I smiled and wiped the tears from my face to understand that change was not my enemy, that this change could never be bigger than the one that turned my world upside down, that change was a constant happening in my life every step I took after losing my husband, that change is not something to want to run from yet something to embrace into your world to explore, grow and smile in knowing in that is your blessings of your little life creations of success you've dreamed and worked so hard to get to for so long. 

Then I remembered with all that I have grown to, that with God all is possible if you walk that walk of love with him, for him, that in that itself was something I have just finally discovered.  As fast as I was letting the negative in it quickly disappeared as I remembered that change has always been something I have been accepting and pushing through for so long now, that in it all is the creation of your growth to expand to the tips of the dreams you hold near to your heart.

In that cold, dark, silent, room the light beaming in from the outside was the light that turned on as I come to realize just what my heart was whispering to me, that in that whisper of love it wiped the negative right out of my whole being.  In grief change is a constant thing to our lives, in grief there is a constant challenge to our whole being, looking back to see that big change to your entire world, to looking to where you are now is enough to confirm that change is not the enemy, our own mind of negative thinking is, how we take in the feelings we feel to try and fight change. 

 If you really truly understand that what you have been through was so far beyond the darkest of worlds to see that now here you are you soon turn on the lights to understand, there should not be any kind of change that scares you to tears no longer after all you been through.  I remember in that room smiling in knowing that change is my best friend, that change is our best friend, to grow, to explore, to reach beyond your comfort zones to make things of the impossible to you so very possible and reality.

Yes in all actuality lots of pain was consumed when we first went face to face with the change turning our life upside down, but don't forget the beauty in it all, that through it, it has shaped you to the more whole of a person you grow to this day.  Through all these changes I faced, being so far away from my comfort zone terrifying my whole being, here I am standing tall, smiling in a dream accomplished, in a challenge accomplished that thought could never be done. 

Becoming a morning person, getting into a new job to be the support system I need to be for our beautiful little girl that never had to face before, to being on TV never ever done before.  Yet here I am, I DID IT, tears to smiles in acknowledgement that life is definitely not over being a widow, losing your heart, that if you could rise to the level you were meant to be at you will look around to pick the blessings that surround your world, walk proud through that pain of grief, fall down, fail, because in it all it may seem never ending and as though you got nowhere yet when you look back you see just how far you have walked.

I remember being in the studio with the bright lights shining down on me to realize that nothing but peace came over me, in that light I felt in my heart the spirit of my love for grief, the spirit of my husband passed and most definitely the dream I've dreamed of now becoming reality, yet just not long ago I was thinking of excuses to back out of it all, that's just it we will always find excuses to walk away from the changes that scare us but when we walk away we leave part of our growth to life in that walk away. 

In the bright light of the studio I smiled knowing that this is the place I've been waiting for, for far too long now, that inside me I was shouting, "YES I AM HERE, THIS IS MY DREAM, MY REALITY, this is the start of the change I want to be to so many that grieve, the voice of those that feel they can't speak up".  So many moments I felt as though it was so natural to be sitting there, that in that space our love my husband and I were as one right there in that moment as I spoke from my heart, I just knew the start to what I've always felt in my heart and soul was just beginning.

"When you go through a disappointment, remember, God promises beauty for ashes and joy for mourning.  New beginnings are in your future" ~ Joel Osteen~

The mind, heart and soul sometimes can work out for you for the good, if only we tell our mind the remembrance of just what exactly we been through to stand still today, to extract that negative that lurks always when your amongst the raptures of dreams and goals of your life, when your shining bright as you should, that in it all that negative tries to suck that from your being.  It is always out of our comfort zone we feel vulnerable, but I do believe all that grieve hold a very special trait in them.  

That through grief we see the biggest change in our life take place, that we so often have to program our minds to think positive the negative that tries to push us down never really has a chance to get very far when we know what exactly we have accomplished and yet stand tall, strong, full of more wisdom and blessings of love on our side.  If we rise from the pain in time slowly and slowly, day by day we soon remember our dreams, goals that even though changed they still follow us and we gather our strength to conquer in the biggest change that turned our life upside down but did not defeat us.

So here I was going through changes bang, bang, bang, one after another, scared out of my mind yet here I am, through it all I have walked tall, may have fell a couple times but here I still am, proud in my accomplishments, proud in knowing just how I thought the day my husband passed "how will I ever do this?", seeing just as the same from that day on that I have, that the beauty for ashes has been given.

  

That through it all there will never be a time in life change will knock at your door too scared to answer soon enough you will open that door to know there is no bigger change than the one you already been through that will knock you down for good, that change is your friend of dreams in disguise for a split second, until the light bulb clicks on and you realize just what you been through, that in that alone is the biggest of changes that never defeated you.

I look up and around me to smile in tears of joy to say thank you, knowing all around me is the love of my husband smiling in knowing just what I had in me all along, smiling in knowing that not on my own the strength of our love was present through it all, that the blessings that came in form of pure frightened form were really my many blessings to many doors opened, that now as I pushed myself through the scared I am in a job, I have spoke out on TV for the grieving,

 I've become a morning person after always thinking it be impossible to get on track that with the love of God and my husband and the whispers of my heart that all was my own fear trying to make me believe I couldn't, yet to open my heart and accept that change is my friend, that change has always been there it is just to know in the core of my heart I accept the love to know that I can take on change, that I can make it through change, that change is your blessing to the gateways of all the love in your heart to the life you thought could never be. 

As I speak of being a morning person this means more to me than I can say, for so long night has been my enemy, the sleepless nights I spent as a caregiver for my husband passed carried through for long after his passing that I always believed that it never change, yet that never change was challenged instead of running from and here I am a 5am gal ha ha.

Grievers out there have been through the biggest of change that if you give yourself time to reflect before you let negative suffocate your thoughts your eyes, heart and soul will open to understand that is the biggest change anyone can go through to understand in your heart that there is nothing bigger than that change to ever come your way to be afraid of. 

To take those changes and unmask them to see the light of your future that lays in all changes in your way.  That in all reality that change is God sent to you to your life in the little disguise of little miracles of love.  Really is there anything that you ever doubt you can't do?  because what you been through has shaped you to be full force out of your comfort zone that you never want to be back in that comfort zone, you become the love, purpose and dreams you have always were meant to be.

In pain find the things in the now to be thankful for no matter how far away it may seem, in that little of thankful you build yourself up not looking as to see yourself down but to opening to the bigger brighter things in surprise entering your life.