So it has been a while since my last post, really Lot's of reasons for that but honestly some where along the lines I have lost the sheer confidence to start a topic near and dear to my heart in thoughts of perhaps those days have gone, the mood, the passion, it truly felt as though I lost that spark. Not really understanding that it does not matter how lost your passion seems to be gone, that no matter what it will never escape your heart, mind and soul. That no matter what you may think or how you may think others see you as a story teller, a writer, whatever it may be the truth of your dreams and passion should never be dulled by others as well as your doubts. Nothing should ever be stronger than letting go of your future dreams, goals and love.
So here I am typing trying my toughest to not stop and delete to forget about it, feeling it would just go away but you see that one fire in your heart never ever goes out, it may dull but never ever gets put out. Life recently has brought so much to our life that in ways I felt that those days of holding tight to my passions and dreams have made me believe that all of life's stress was over whelming to let anything else have my time.
In a way I guess as we all feel when life seems there is not enough time in the day to do all that you want. A relationship of 3 years has been ended, a new job, wow how horribly the excuses that arise when you try to put up reasoning for letting go of you, letting go of your passions, dreams and love is no excuse big enough. Tonight I sit here to be vulnerable for the reasons of so much right now, to unleash the heartache, stress, frustrations and mistakes made recently, to know right here as I type another that reads may be feeling the exact same way and relate. To know that I as well am not alone.
One day I found myself standing watching across the room as if no one was around to my shock feeling that feeling I have never felt since my husband past, to smile in that rush you feel from your toes all the way to the top of your head. Noticing day by day that feeling never left, no matter how hard I tried, in my heart I heard the words whisper to my soul "no matter the circumstances this is the person for you", that magically my time had come, that second chance was here, that you can have that again in life, it wasn't only destined to you once in a life time.
Each day built and built of that feeling, of that smile, excitement in knowing that feeling was just not you conjuring up a one sided story. Still to this day I smile with all those feelings however it as though there is a wall there stopping all to unfold. Heartache set in quickly after circumstances of all kinds started happening. Now here I am feeling a heartache and loss that has faded me to the core. On the other hand it also sparked that flame inside me of all I tried letting go of, dreams, passion, love, all of who I so hardly build to be each and every day after I lost the life I thought I'd have forever.
I buried myself, I buried a life time of strength in the hurt, the stress and hard times happening in life until one day the light comes on to trigger that spark inside to understand all of what you go through, no matter how hard should never be enough to let go of yourself, all that you become all the beauty you have seen, the miracles that have touched your soul, that those hardships are not there to bury you but lift you, to rise you above to the strength to see that is all there to lead you to your dreams, the passion you been gifted, and great love of it and for it all. To stop believing in who you are is giving up the big fight of life leading you to the bright side of all your miracles.
How was it that I was so blind sided by a man, not just a man but a strong feeling it was meant for us to be, how did I let myself forget that it is you and only you that loves you first and foremost, that no one should ever keep you from your confidence, or bury you so low gasping for air. You and only you can give that power to someone, to anyone. That heartache is one that got me to feeling just how powerful heartache feels as never before. To start realizing due to that feeling heartache so strongly is perhaps a reason to feeling so strongly now then before due to losing a life and being so broken open to feeling life so deep, more so then before.
Starting to think I have realized my heart broke so open after the loss I have endured that as the journey of life after death started everything had opened so fully in the most miraculously way to all you see in life, as though a rebirth to your heart, mind and soul, after seeing just how short life can be. Heartache hits hard and unlike another the griever feels that heartache deeply as well as the loss of how you thought things would turn out to see it has not turned out at all the way you seen it. So right now I declare to myself that heartache is deeper but never ever get lost in all hardship to ever lose who I am, to lose hope, faith, love in who I am and all I dream. To never give permission to that hardship to take the passions I been gifted away, to feel my soul has been sucked right out of me.
So deep breaths, finding my patience's is where I will carry myself in this deep sorrow of heartache I feel, to understand the ending is not here, that it is also not how I imagined it to be however it is still going to turn out the way it should, to understand to keep strong to learn the values of the reasoning why I am on this path. To keep myself balanced to never let go ever again, understanding that no matter what way this unfolds is a reason for it turning out the way it should. That no matter what the path you thought you would take may turn out to be another way for very good reasons behind where ever you find yourself to be.
Heartache, disappointment all those strong deep piercing moments all have a way to show you in time a brighter side to all that you have endured in the brightest way you ever could see. In the quiet I always hear the words "be patient" so to this most inpatient person patience is the teacher that guides the way to show me that anything in life is never controlled by you that patience brings the positive to the way you saw how it would be, that forcing or rushing never finds the bright light of the way you envisioned the out come you hold onto so passionately. So my journey of knowing truly the value of patience's begins, no matter the outcome the lesson is vividly there and learned. It's not all just about a man, this is all about how my heart, mind and soul spoke to me, that a journey has begun yet the start has not started, that letting fear in has made me lose perspective of it all. That today I choose me, perhaps through this I have become rough around the edges but that is all new for me to accept and love all of who I am each and every day.
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