Old Life to New Life

So the life of grief suddenly creeps up to you in life yet once again, yet you see through it, you look it straight in the eyes to know that yet again I have come face to face with grief yet again in life, I'd like to say "hello old friend" yet that hello is yet again is painful to want to greet.  It is a heartache of old scars that have healed yet broken open saddened by the thoughts of the day you to were in that very place, holding on to all of what you known has gone.  The life you knew of  would no longer be the same life you built to on this very day as your heart shatters saying good bye, not knowing yet that through it you will find your new life to build over again in the most powerful, beautiful ways unthought of in the present of not ever wanting to let go of the life you have had and loved for so long.

This time of year particularly reminds all beautiful souls out there just of every memory, love, memory of those that no longer are here to share these special times with.  I say always "although not in the flesh they all are always with us, by our side to give us that push of love and signs to know that they may not be seen but are truly with you in these moments that feel could break you.  The loved ones we have lost will never ever be forgotten nor leave us in our lives because their soul, their love, will always be a part of us and our lives that with each life left behind that lives on each day without them here in the flesh. 

When we cry, when we hurt, when we feel we can't go on, it is their love that gives us the power to keep making those steps through it all.  The echoes of their memories linger around in every place that we go, in every loving words of others we see.  It's always a little tricky to understand yet once you been there you see it, their lives gone, fight for the love of the loved ones that live on after them.  Fighting for you to see just how beautiful the new life you are about to make becomes. 

They by your side you see want nothing but the best of the best you deserve, so little by little and day by day they guide you to building and building and slowly able to see that your old life remains but the new that you make is a creation so strong, dreams of the biggest are fulfilled as you smile, thinking how can such beauty come from something so painful, quite simple the greatest of love you lost is the creator by your side helping you to build so strongly that it is all of what you thought you could never do, they unseen with a love that never leave help you find the best of all they know you deserve as you take your steps to the new not without them just unseen.

I remembered this, something that I haven't forgotten but not thought of for a while as I heard in the most beautiful song "you took my life with you" yes as your love leaves this world they do take away all of your life with them that you thought you would have forever, yet rising each and everyday surrounded by love,  they our angels help us build to a new, unbreakable, most breath taking new life, it is the love never severed that rises above and beyond for you to capture the miracles of life in the new that you sew.  It's as though they know more than anyone in our hearts and minds just how hard it is to let go that they take everything you ever once wanted to place it in the journey you walk away from unknown and wanting to not ever leave yet that old life will always carry with you no matter what new life that you create.

To see a love so strong, so powerful brought tears to my eyes as a family stood in the moment I felt I was in 7 years ago, yet I smiled knowing all the beauty, miracles, most powerful love along with signs of above they will see to show them "yes my loves you can take the steps to keep moving forward" that in it will always lay the unseen love that will forever be imbedded in the concrete you pour for the new life you walk to and create.  You may think your alone and hate this new life yet soon you will start to see this life as a baby just born, looking to all in the purest form.  So I write this today from deepest of my heart that as I looked grief in the eyes yet again the lessons and strength I have learned again through it that have been unthought of for quite some time.

In hopes that everyone out there will understand that yes we lose our old life, we shatter to pieces yet the love of your life always is there to put it all together knowing on a level so high of what you deserve builds it together with the deepest of unconditional love along side you every day to find the most beautiful miracles, dreams to come true, all of what you ever thought was impossible coming before you to real life, your new life. 

You see the most powerful of love is a force that never leaves, is a force to never beat, it is force that shall forever stay as you make it through the ups and downs and some days of feeling you can't go on.  It's a love that brings in so much you breathe forever everyday that will never be taken away.  You will smile in knowing just where and why that has happened, trust me smile to tears but happy tears knowing "they did that, their love did that".

In the death of their life is a re birth to your life guided only by the purest of life, to see life again of all you missed before, it opens you to the core to see just what powerful of a life you have had and just begun to make.

I dedicate this to the Kocsis Family ~ Our Family ~

R.I.P Uncle Brian Kocsis ~ October 3, 1948 - December 15, 2018

The Song Ghost The Musical - With You - lyric

"You, took my life with you, took my world with you" as heart shattering this is it is true but what you feel is taken away shall be given to you in the most powerful of ways you will ever know in the love that never leaves and the love all around in every breath you take

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~LULU~ Behind the Puppy Dog Eyes

 

I dislike that I can say that in a short period of time that I have been learning the different arrays of grief that come to your life from my husband, my father and now the four legged human kind, as I would like to call them, fur babies.  To each their own I am finally noticing that each holds a very special gift, blessing and strong hearted message to your life.  I am noticing more now than ever that the saying "people come into your life for reason" is very loud yet when lost heart wrenching yet at the same time through that pain the most powerful of message to your heart and soul is shined upon you. 

It is sad to say that it is not until that person, 4 legged human, child, spouse, friend (etc) is until you find what that blessing has been to you all along, it is as though we have time here with these people in our lives that we cherish the time not ever opening our hearts truly to the great gift and message they are trying to teach us to our lives.  We get so wrapped in just being able to have them in our lives in the flesh we never really take the time to understand truly what it is they are blessing our lives with, what their true calling to your life is trying to speak to your heart.  I never realized this and just how deep it lays in your soul until the third time I had a loss yet again in my life. 

This time to my disbelief it was from our precious four legged human.  It has been always a great dream to me since my husband passed and having to let go of my precious black lab Max that I had always yearned to have a lab puppy in our lives again, knowing it could never replace Max but a precious new beginning for my daughter and I, a fur baby to love and become our family again.

 

This would of never been possible if not for my boyfriend stepping up and agreeing to take care of her while we find our own home to live.  My daughter and I anticipated the day we would take our fur baby home forever, nothing made our hearts beam in knowing that day would be soon.  The day came and gone, many proud walks to school and home, with a pack of kids crowded around in the awe of the puppy dog in the school yard, Lulu (our fur babies name) could of never been so happy to see all the attention around her, tail wagging a mile a minute, smiles from all around as they gazed upon the puppy that did not want to stand still.  Lulu was the spotlight and there was no way out for a long time, every time we went to school with her, Hailey walking so proud knowing "this is my puppy", as so many flocked to her and admired her, proud she most definitely was.

It actually shocked me to see that wherever Lulu went many were mesmerised by her beautiful soul.  I thought it was just me that thought the same thing but thought I was being partial to her because she was our own, yet I truly seen the instant smile she brought to everyone she came into contact with, the instant stress eraser to many you could see in others as it lifted within an instant of her embrace.  Lulu was the definition of what life truly is and how it should be, crazy, fun, joy, unconditional love.   She brought into our lives nothing but pure joy, blessings and love. 

She was the crazy, full of life and energy fur baby I always imagined I wanted in a four legged human.  She truly was everything I imagined for us in a puppy we could love.  Full of life, full of energy, care free and having fun with out a care in the world, I always thought "this is how us as humans should grasp life as".  The paw print she left in our hearts  as well as our lives will never lift, forever it will stay. 

Now at the same time we had Lulu in our lives was a time that there was a rough patch happening within myself, during this time for so many reasons I broke up with my boyfriend, wondering every day how Lulu was?, knowing my boyfriend was the world to Lulu so how could I take that away from her?, the constant conflict of not knowing how to handle the situation, yet at the same time my heart shouting to me that the choice I made was not the right one, that losing him was not truly what I wanted to do.   

In those five days is truly where I started to notice "you never know what you got until its gone" was truly about, yet he was not gone,  he was still here in the flesh, this was when I realized how all people should understand and look to every person in their lives and grasp that hidden gift and message to them and their lives, to not wait until they have left this world to understand what it is they are trying to gift you with, so that in their time here with you the more you can take all of them in, to truly be grateful for the gift that they are to you and love them purely for what they stand for. 

It is truly an angel in the flesh walking with you in hopes of you catching the blessings they hold for you.  Lulu was the reason I found out truly what my boyfriends gift was to me, she was the tie that bonded us back together, she was the gift into showing me the value of all the people in my life, the gift they bring to me, with out losing and finding out, yet finding out and being that much more grateful to them for what they all are to me now while still here with me in this world. 

My husband passed message was so many yet I never truly embraced his gift to me until gone, yet in that finding out that brings you out of the pain that feels will never go, you find your smile in knowing just exactly what they were to you, what gift they been trying to give you all the while you never noticed due to just living life and loving that they are in your world.  My father he to brought so much gifts into my life, yet again not until he was on his last breath I fully embraced his gift and to this day forward I still am. 

Lulu now Lulu she was an angel, however I do believe all animals are angels on earth with the unconditional love they carry for you every single day no matter what.  Lulu was a huge gift and great message to our lives, she taught us no matter how bad of a day you are having her craziness, energy, and carefree love for life could take all that bad day away in a heart beat.  No matter how bad or how down I felt that day seeing here instantly erased all of it, she was the bond that showed my boyfriend, daughter and I to love and just be together, that we belonged together no matter what others said or thought.  She truly showed my boyfriend how it was to love unconditionally, she was our crazy glue that showed us togetherness was greater than separation. 

She touched the hearts of so many that did not even know her, Lulu was definitely an angel of love that was here to lift the burden of anything that person carried that she crossed paths with in her life, to show humans to not take life so seriously and have fun.  Now this is where I truly understand from humans to four legged humans that there is no difference in the heart pains of the loss. 

The day I found out she was no longer here on earth are words of pain and tears of ache that still linger I could never describe, that to lose a fur baby is just the same as losing a loved one, that day I found out she had passed away was the day I found out that in the loss of an animal is no different then the loss of a human, is felt in the heart just the same, the gift in that pain is their gift to you to find through the tears and loss. 

Lulu was our unconditional love, togetherness, lesson learned to never take life so seriously, to be energy, to be care free and most of all that its ok TO BE CRAZY FUN, yet the most valuable to always love unconditional no matter what, to embrace the lives of strangers even though you don't know them and try with all you have to lift their burdens of the day that they may have.  She was here for a short time but the impact of her will be with us for a life time. 

It is truly a miracle when you are able to feel the love of that spirit in you, around and to fully take it all in, I felt her love for the first time the other day, her presence in me and smiled as I could feel her joy for life all around me and in my heart as if to say to me "I may not be visible but always will I be invisible in spirit with you, to remind you what exactly I was in your life to teach you".  Lulu will forever be in our lives not visible but in love, spirit and the ties of love we share with each other.

LULU2 is yet to be on the way, we know nothing will never replace Lulu but we also know that the gift it is to fully embrace the love of another, to not fear the loss yet enjoy the present moment and bare the gifts of having a fur baby in our lives yet again, to honor Lulu in knowing giving all the love you can to a fur baby is a great gift to their life and yours as well, a forever home and heart full of love.

IN DEDICATION TO OUR BELOVED LULU ~FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS~

P.S This blog had me in tears from the very first word I typed, yet at the same time a smile in knowing just how powerful our little angel was to us and life.

 

 

 

 



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