Grand Opening for WidowintheCity Grief Coaching

Last night a piece of my dream came into reality the site for my Grief Coaching was born. I wanted to do a post here about it although as you may see the tab to my site is in here, how ever I am so very excited for this next chapter I wanted to make this announcement. Thanks to Jodi Shaw and her brilliant magic she has taken my heart to share with all on my site, it was exactly what I visioned my site to be and so much more. This has been a dream of mine for so very long now, it is just now I felt the confidence to step out my comfort zone to do what it is that is so near to my heart. It is now I believe that what I have been through can help so many others out there.

Since my husband passed has passed away I felt the strongest movement in me to step forward to help as many as I can that grieve, like others sometimes we are scared and taken back for a little being afraid of our dreams but now no longer I am afraid because in your fears lays your dreams waiting for you. So today I announce a piece of my heart to all that read this, WICGRIEFCOACHING, so very grateful to be able to do this. I know the journey ahead will not be easy but with compassion and love it is doable, with love ALL is DOABLE. I am 110% confident in what my heart has been whispering to me for so long now, to help all that grieve that I can.

Below is a section from WICGRIEFCOACHING.

Grief and Loss

Losing Someone Hurts...

The pain and loss of losing a loved one at some point has crossed all our paths. We all experience grief and great loss differently. Whether it is a family friend, a loved one, a spouse, a pet, or even a child. Each loss is greatly important and understanding that grief is a healthy and very natural reaction is just as important.

What is Grief?

Grief is best explained like an onion. There are layers upons layers of experiences, emotions, disbelief, anger, frustration, depression, numbness, guilt and lonliness. As you begin to peel away the layers of grief, you experience each of these emotions, some stronger than others. Some can even be debilating, causing you to feel as if the entire world has stopped.

Losing someone we love hurts. It hurts badly. It can be devastating, not to just to us but those around us loving us as we grieve. Our lives come to a halt. And that is where GRIEF COACHING comes in.

Will Grief Coaching Make the Pain Stop?

Grief Coaching is an important part of the process of dealing with those we have loved and lost. It will never bring our loved ones back to us, but it can help on your road to recovery and healing.

The process of grief is sacred and must be honored individually...

Here at Widow in the City - Grief Coaching, I strive to make things easier on you as you grieve and share your emotions. Sometimes it is much easier to share your pain with someone who has experienced what you have gone through, rather than a clinical person who is simply following text-book guidelines.

Grief Coaching Helps to...

~Help you take it one day at a time
~Get through the rough times
~ Share your emotions so you don't keep them bottled up inside
~ Help you understand the steps of grief and how it can affect you
~ Help you understand how your grief affects others
~ Provides skills to help you not just cope but actually heal.

If you are need of assistance or need someone to talk to. I offer free consultations. Please contact me today and together we will rebuild that bridge to happiness ... one moment at a time.

At the top where the tab that says Grief Coachng will take you right to my site, please share and all are welcome thank you so much and hope to hear from you soon. Below is the link address.

http://WICGRIEFCOACHING.blogspot.ca

See what Jodi Shaw can help you with she is a magic maker. Her link below. Thank you Jodi for taking what my heart could see and bringing it to life.

http://rantsnrascals.com

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A Widow Redefined

This week I decided to do a guest blog post. Kim Cano just wrote a book and out now called "A Widow Defined", as a widow I decided what better place to post the good news around others with the exact same experience, all those that grieve. Her book coming out is proof many blessings can come from our deepest of pain. Seeing great achievements of others in grief lighten my soul along with my heart. A huge congrats Kim Cano for conquring your dreams and showing us all that grieve that your dreams never leave you. Below is all information and description of her lovely book that you need. Kim was so gracious to gift me a copy and I promise you it is something that you would love as well.

A WIDOW REDIFINED BOOK DESCRIPTION

On a cold Valentines's Day in Chicago, Amy White, a young widow who lost her husband to cancer, visits the cemetery and makes an unsettling discovery: a bouquet of fresh daffodils lying in front of her husband's grave.

Curiosity grows into obsession as Amy searches for the stranger who left the flowers, while keeping her activities a secret from her live-in mother and seven-year old son. The search leads to an unusual friendship that transforms her world and redefines her life.

PRAISE FOR A WIDOW REDEFINED:

"Not since Lisa See's Snow Flower and the Secret Fan have I read such a complex portrayal of friendship. A Widow Redefined will resonate with anyone who has ever lost a loved one and learned how to live again". ~ Author Deborah Brown

"Inspiring! Destined to become a book club favorite". ~ Alicia Robinson/reader review

To order and check out Kim Cano's book here is the link for you all, also want you all to know it is available in paper back and kindle as well.  http://www.amazon.com/A-Widow-Redefined-ebook/dp/B00C8BV10W/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1365473401&sr=1-1&keywords=a+widow+redefined

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Until Death Parts Us

I use to think that after a person was gone that it was the end, that everything that was shared was no longer, not ever thinking that one day i'd be where I am right now. That's just it so often people think what they think never understanding that in the quickest of ways life gives you a strong lesson to the thoughts you once believed. It is those moments your taken away with no breath, with no words to be spoken. Often enough I found myself so strongly caught up in how it was I thought things were I forgot to understand that what we seem to think is very little to what life has to teach you. From the bad, to the pain, to the good, it is precious to us all to feel those lessons, to understand that sometimes how we see things are in fact not what it is. For me it is a treasure when life creeps up to you to teach you the lessons you sometimes ignore, to find that piece of the puzzle that wasn't fitting due to your perception on how you felt it should be. I strongly know now just because you don't see something there doesn't mean that there isn't. I feel now that in all around us lays the love of those we lost, every where we see, every where we look, everything we touch. That even though not here in the flesh the love made lingers in all the space in between, that the love created carries through you, stays in your heart, walks with you through all the walks of life you go through. That in that pain you find in the oddest of ways the most beautiful of experiences awaiting for you to see. That in pain you become the person you should of been all along. Through that pain it is as though we are reborn, everything becomes new to our touch, smell, sight, our hearts open just as the day we were born.

On the day I took my wedding vows I knew that i'd be a widow at the same time I was vowing to love forever, yet in those moments is when I started to have flash backs, it was when the lights turned on even brighter. In those moments was when I understood love lives far beyond the flesh, that it wasn't about the outside of someone, love was feeling it, love was looking to someone but seeing through them to the very core of their heart, knowing that love would forever be felt, that even though not here in person the love never goes anywhere. I remembered the first days of finding my husband passed, how we felt that love, not for what we looked like yet by how we felt inside. I never fell in love with my husband for his looks, I fell in love with the heart that connected to mine. That was the day I understood oh how proud i'd still be to be his wife even after he was gone. I understood that even if our future as husband and wife would be short that our love would be for eternity. Our daughter is a reminder to my heart that every day he smiles to us both through her, that in her lays a big part of both of our love. Through her I see a blessing of our life we created together. Loves not about flesh, it,s about lasting a life time in us, it's about the feeling it gives to us inside. It's knowing in all the empty that lays between us that it is there.

This month lays many special occasions for my husband passed and I, our wedding anniversary, our anniversary of meeting each other, our daughters birthday, this is why I choose to post about what it is I feel, how I still feel even after all this time of being a widow. Looking back to our life I remember how it was I felt even when my husband passed was not with me, even though not with me I still could feel him , I still felt our love, to me that is how true love lasts forever, it is in the feeling that lays in us even after out of sight. The feeling still remains, the memories are still there, it is the love that remains after everything that proves even though not seen they still remain with us. In the empty around your love fills that area, their love fills every empty space around you. Even after almost two years of losing my husband I still feel our love as the day we met. I still have tears, I still have bad days, yet through it it's our love that lifts me through it. It is that strong feeling of love that carries me when I feel I want to give up. No matter how long is not what it is about, it is our heart that carries that love, so each day we will feel that loss although in that love we will be able to see through it all. So as true love is forever so is grief.



Moving forward with your life is not about letting go, it's not about forgetting them, it is about living up to that love to be who they always wanted you to be, it is about honoring their life through living yours. It's about building to your new life yet bringing in the old, it's about carrying the love with you as you go through the life your building now. Finding the little things they loved bringing it into your days. Everytime you feel that feeling of love close your eyes to understand they are not seen but there. The love that you created never ever goes anywhere, that love lives on in the feelings you feel, it lives through you. Although on days you miss their face, your heart will comfort you in the feelings you felt when they were here.

To this day when I start feeling the pain, the tears, I remember how when my husband passed was here how he disliked seeing me like that. I remember how every day he always told me "I just want you to be happy", that the love we shared was what brought the smile back to my face. So through it all I feel the feeling of our love to understand that is what rises me above all the bad that tries to invade my heart. Sure we can't stop the bad days yet we also don't have to give in to it. This year is no different then last year or the year before, it will be taken one second at a time, it's not about getting easier, it is about making it through the best way that you can. It is about honoring your love to understand in pain there is no room for honor. Being grateful for the love you were blessed with, cherishing that love and carrying it out in the life you live. Take the days to do nothing but feel, let the feeling guide you through the days of importance to see that love will always over power the tears. Finding it in your heart to know that is exactly where it started, your heart.

"So long as we live they to shall live and love for they are a part of us, as we remeber them" ~ Gates of Prayer. So through us they live, it is not through the pain they can be happy, yet only when we understand to be happy to honor them in brightness not gloom is truly when they are living on in us. Finding room in your heart to over come that pain is truly where you will find they will be with us.



Not to long ago I could feel myself being consumed in the memories of my husband passed days he was here, I felt the pain coming back trying to invade my light, I could feel myself giving in, tears were shed, many days of hurt were spent, I felt my hope, belief, happiness was far from me, I than realised the feeling I felt of our love was gone, I focused my all on that feeling to understand that in that pain is where our loved ones passed are truly gone, that in that pain is where they can not be, so the longer we keep feeling that pain is to shut out the love we share. Yes some days is a battle yet knowing it is the love you want to be with you to feel, to know in that is where they are is all the knowing you need to fight that battle. So this year through it all I choose our love, I choose to feel that love, I choose to honor our love just as though it was the same when he was here. Getting side tracked through it is no mistake it is a lesson and learning we understand is dealt to us so we soon enough turn on our own lights to understand what exactly it is we need to do, to know the difference of where our love lives on, in happiness not pain. Sounds cliche but if you go through the darkest to the brightest of moments you soon enough see that is exactly how it is.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for which has been your delight". ~ Kahlil Gibran. This quote is my favorite, this is the one I keep reading to myself over and over again on days I feel the horrific pain coming back. This reminds me that the pain has no place near what it was that brought the best gift to my life, that my husband passed was not about bringing pain to my heart yet nothing but absolute unconditional love. So where that love lays pain has no reason to be there. The best way to cherish their love is to keep fighting that pain away, our hearts have no room to share with the pain that tries to take up room. I remember saying "In grief is where i've found unconditional love", in my grief is where I hold our true love, our uncondiditonal love, so the pain has no reason, no room to be there in that love.

Remembering our greatest of memories is what I constantly do, grabbing a hold of all of them tightly to fight the fight on days of great despair. As hard as it may be some days, I always find myself through it looking back smiling in knowing our love is never going anywhere. Sometimes as I stare pain in the eyes I see that maybe today it will win, to wake up and realise that not ever will it succeed because in that pain is where I gather more strength. In that pain is where the toughest of lessons will be. Pain can be a blessing if we allow it to not take over yet fight it to learn our lessons along with wait for the next round. Through it all we soon discover that it never really did have a hold of us, we just allowed it to stay. Feel it, fight it, conquer it, in the conquring is a piece of your strength every time. Never be afraid to feel it, it is there for a reason, it is not there to stay. My husband passed has blessed my life in knowing that through it all our love will always be the strength behind me in every thing I fight. I remember our love, I remember our life, I remember his smile, through good to bad is all what made me who I am today. I look back to the person I was before smiling to where I have made it today.



NOTE TO ALL: This year through all of our anniversaries I will embrace our love, feel that love yet this time I am not going to be afraid of the pain, I won't be afraid of the tears, I will know no matter what through it I will make it, that through it with my heart open I will embrace the lessons, the wisdom, the knowledge that will allow me to grow until the next anniversaries that will be. Understanding that in it all is where I will find me, where I will find pieces of my life building to a stronger, fuller, whole me. I honor our love to live these days out by loving what it was he loved doing. That even though missed his love is still around me. In the empty space all around me I will feel our love, I will see pieces of our life is all around. I remember our incidents of skunks and raccoons smiling now to this day I see them all the time. It is through the littlest of things that are signs that our love never goes anywhere. Most of all I remember his smile, it was that smile that started the love he gifted to my life, our life. True love lasts forever, that is just not a fairytale line it is words spoken to believe in.

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Fairytales Are Real Part 2

After finding out that in my life story I was a princess that found her prince, that same day we decided to go browse some stores. While we were out browsing stores there was a store I had to just check out, as a girl jewelry was never something to pass by. Looking at all the sparkle in the store in the corner of one of the show cases I spotted that special diamond that stood out amongst the rest. As I was starring with huge eyes trying it on for fun, it was in that moment we got engaged. Next thing I knew the ring was back on my finger, it was mine, we were engaged. With in the year of being together we had moved into our own apartment, owned our own home, now to being engaged. True love never waits a single moment.

I remember thinking "is this for real?, is it all happening too fast?, my heart was more than willing to put those thoughts to rest.

Five years passed, on the normal every day I noticed a huge change in me. I was smelling food out feeling nauseated, that right there sounded the alarms. That was not normal for me, getting a pregnency test could not of been bought fast enough. In great eagerness it was that same night we found out we were expecting. All of me was full of joy yet totally scared out of my mind. Looking in his eyes I told him "we're having a baby", not even a flinch from him, I could see in all of him the over flowing of love already for this baby, far from even being here yet. The glow from him was my confirmation that his love for this child is larger than life.



In the hospital after being awake for 48 hours was a moment I carry with me to this day, he took our little girl to rock while I could rest, not just for seconds, he rocked her for four hours straight. As I awoke the sun was just rising as I looked outside to see the pink sky, as I glanced from outside to inside watching our new addition to our family along with her daddy, I thought to myself "that this is all a dream come true, that all that is in this tiny room is all I ever wanted. Our little girl grew so fast never having to worry if she was loved. In her fathers eyes she knew the love he held was greater than life it self. The bond between these two always took my breath away. No words can ever explain how it was when he looked to his little girl.

As time went on through the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth birthday, it was our daughters sixth Christmas, that morning was full of excitement, this year Santa was bringing her a doll house of her dreams. As we watched her unwrap, we glowed in how bright eyed she was. It was this year that our lives would change. During this winter he had gotten pneumonia, after recovering from that we celebrated New Years together, happy for being a family still, for the love that we share. On a morning following the holidays he told me he wanted to get an X -ray, that his back was hurting him. We both thought it was a bruised or cracked rib from all the coughing from the pneumonia, not ever thinking of anything else. That day he went to get checked, never ever thinking of what we were about to find out. It was the next day he come to me, in his eyes I could see something was wrong, I could see the pain as he walked closer to me, right than and there I wanted to run away. As he got closer in disbelief he spoke of the words he had heard earlier "I got lumps on my lungs, one on one side, two on the other side" as these words came out of his mouth I felt as though I was stuck in a bad dream, I felt my heart shatter right than and there.

Trying to keep myself calm, I listened to him say "tomorrow I go for a CAT scan" in all of these words all I could keep thinking is "it's ok, we will be ok, this can not be happening, miracles happen, it can happen for us". I never hugged someone so tight as I did in that moment. No words, no tears, just our love. Through the next few days I could see our life crashing quickly. As if the lungs was not enough to hear, the CAT scanned showed kidney cancer. This is where all the life was sucked out of me, this is where I started to pray for a miracle.



Never ever speaking to each other of what ifs we went on loving, we went on being a family. Loving our daughter, loving one another the best as well as most that we could. Through this all it was our daughter we wanted to be ok, we did not want her life to feel upside down like how we did on the inside. In all of these moments no words will ever describe how broken I was nor the endless tears I shed. We both knew he was terminal, it was within all my heart I wanted to take care of him in our home. These moments would be precious to us all, not wanting to waste any of it out of our home. Right away I became his caregiver, both our decisions were made, that was how he wanted it to be. To take care of him came as natural as it was to be a mother.

Being together for twelve years always wanting to get married yet never having enough money, we finally chose to do it now. Even though our future would not be long our true love would be forever. April sixteenth we were married in our home with close friends along with family. I remember that day as sick as he was he refused to let me put my own rings on my finger, he grabbed my hand to do it for himself.

Having to have the talk I did with our little girl no parent should ever have to do. Saying " I know you know daddy is sick, we are trying to make him feel better but if he don't he may have to go to be with baby Jesus one day". That conversation broke me all over again into a billion pieces. Knowing the truest of love of all would no longer be. Through this all it was our love that rose us above the pain, it was through the truest of love we made it to where we are today.



Towards the end I remember two very signifigent moments, eight days before passing we spent in the hospital. Our daughter was taken care of by my mom. It was a bright sunny day I stood in front of him, I looked to him to see a smile on his face, a smile I could remember just the same as the first day we met. In that moment he grabbed my hand pulled it to his lips and kissed it. I knew with out words what he felt. Our love was a love of the truest in this world. On the eighth day I knew waking up that today would be the day we would say good bye to our life, to my one true love, to my heart. The hardest yet breath taking moment on this day was having to call our little girl, so daddy could hear her voice one last time. As she spoke it was a miracle to see him smile as soon as he heard her little voice brighter than the sun. It was her voice he waited for, less than 3 hours later he left our lives.

Through this love of my life along with the great pain i've suffered it was due to him I found myself, how I became whole. Through his unconditional love I knew there was not anything I could not do. Through his love I learned to open my heart to embrace life in the beautiful, glorified way it needed to be. After feeling such horrific pain was what allowed me to open up to see the blessings through it all. Through this journey of all is where I found my purpose. As I walked through the pain turning on my light so many doors opened to me as well as my heart.

NOTE TO ALL: No matter what on the hardest of days I always go back to a question I was asked "if you could go back, would you change anything?, would you change being with him?, my answer in seconds came to say "no, i'd do it all again". Remembering this helps me to understand that true love is not something to give up, that once faced in the eyes of unconditional love there are no options but to take it all in, that unconditional love is a gift, it is that love that sheds so many of blessings to your life. Even after the person carrying that love is not to be seen, it still will always remain. Pain in the loss yes, pain in that love never wins, understanding the love will always be the wings to rise you above the pain that you feel.



The hardest thing we should always do through the pain is remind ourselves that it is not the pain our loved ones passed brought to our lives, it was love, so pain has no room in our hearts that is consumed full of their love. Yes we can no longer see our loved ones passed yet the love we share is always still there.

In the midst of the nights I find myself restless, restless in knowing his spot is empty, restless in knowing he is no longer there in reach, through the restless I close my eyes in knowing his love still resides, that in that empty space our love will always be. I go back to remembering how it was I felt, that at night when we were together it was in the silence of one another that love felt the strongest. I remember looking into his eyes knowing tomorrow our love will be there, that our love would always be there.

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Fairytales Are Real

The littlest of things bring the biggest in life together. My husband when we first met holding licorice the one littlest of things that brought us together.

A little story of my husband passed and I. How the real life fairytale love story started.

The trees were blooming, all of the children in the houses around were out playing enjoying the warm weather after a long cold winter that kept us all captive in the house where it was warm. Walking to work along the way my usual routine of ranting and raving were being thought of in my head, work was a must yet not something I was ever happy to be going to. It was in all of my days on my way to work I had the fight in my mind going on, wanting to be at home enjoying doing absolutely nothing. I think being in your twenties that is normal for most to want. It's as though your twenties bring out the "rebellion side of life" which sometimes never leaves us. It was on the beautiful days when the fight was even more stronger.

However on the way walking to work I managed to enjoy the warmth, birds, children playing, animals, commotion happening all around me, this was something that always made me smile while the struggle was going on inside me to not want to be at work. It was through the beauty around me that made that fight disappear. On this day I remember the warmth of the sun, the bright blue sky, the peace I felt from everything I was seeing around me. A house i'd walk by every day made me smile, imagining one day i'd be living there. A cute little white house that I felt so drawn to in every walk by I took on my way to work. Looking to the house made me smile every time. The little white house that I was so drawn to will have more reasoning once this story progresses more. It was a real life doll house that had all i've could of dreamed of for my dream home.



I was actually excited to be at work when I thought of the regular customer that visited every day, however I could not ever figure out why it was always for just a single piece of licorice was why he showed up every single day, I mean it wasn't as though our store had licorice that was different from the rest. My job was not a dream job however a job perfect for a twenty-two year old to start. Yet in that job brought me a bigger dream i've never could of imagined.

Getting ready to start my shift I knew there was no turning back now. I thought to myself "the man who buys licorice every day will be here today" that made me smile each and every time.

Stalking shelves, cleaning, counting, being in the cooler was all of my normal routine. Meeting new people is what made all the bad better.



While I was in the back sitting having a break I looked up on the monitor in front of me to see a customer, it was the licorice man, yet in that moment it was all too different than the times before. I felt something in me that never felt before as I looked at this man on the monitor. Getting up quickly I went out in to the store,as I got closer to him he smiled, smiling back trying to figure out this feeling I was feeling no words could come from me to speak, just staring, smiling looking like an idiot is what I did. As he talked there was nothing I could say, just the feeling in me I was trying to understand. Eventually through it I was able to at least say "hope you have a good night", horrified in thinking he probably thought how weird I was. The girl working with me laughed saying "something is up with you, it can't be you like him he's too old" I glanced at her laughed, walked away in thought of what it was that just happened.

Through out my shifts at work there was not one day that this man had missed, wondering still why it was he would come for a single licorice, sometimes two. Yes sometimes in life we could be so blinded in situations that are so obvious to everyone around. I went through each day wondering what it was I was feeling that I could not just put my finger on. Through each shift I got to know him more, laugh with him more, smile with him more, yet never thinking what was to come. Near where I worked was a cozy little coffee shop I liked to go to sometimes after work, to just sit and relax after a horrifying day at work as well as sometimes hard to deal with customers. One night as I walked there coming to the big glass window in a glance I could no longer feel my legs, in front of me sitting at a table was the man from work. In the gut of my stomach I felt a rush of warmth, it seemed i've been seeing this man more and more every where I went. Smiling as I got close to his table I sat down, not with him but across from him. Like he knew me forever he started to just talk to me. While sitting there I could feel that feeling, I noticed it never did go any where. Our conversation lasted for hours, all of me felt that in that moment is the only place I wanted to be. I could feel myself feel absolute comfort in being in his company, for me that was not a normal thing, being with others was sometimes a fight for me all on its own. Yet with him no struggle was desired.

After that night I took notice in our frequent running into one another, every where I looked he was there, not in the stalkerish kind of way, more in a natural, normal every day hustle bustle way. My regular places to go were where he was just never noticing before. Our talks were becoming something signifigent to me, seeing him was a routine in my life, something I actually enjoyed having to do.



One day at work was when it all changed for the man who we all knew as licorice man as well as I. Licorice man became Jean-Guy, I became Tonya to him. It was in a moment at work where both of us knew. It was as though in between that space of him and I there was a voice that spoke to both of our hearts at the exact same time. Looking to him I heard "this person in front of you is where the truest of love lays, the kind of love that never breaks". Call it what you will in that moment by the looks on both of our faces you just knew both of us felt the same thing.

Following that moment led to our first date, many phone calls, hours of non stop happiness. On our first date we stayed up all night until early morning, in that moment I recognized the feeling i've been feeling for so long, this time I knew what it was. It was in the dawn of morning looking at him I knew my heart was telling me something all along. "love at first sight" was not just a quote to me no longer. Although on our first date I knew this man I loved with all my heart there was still no way I could tell him nor understand how fast it happened.

Not really stressing about wondering if he felt the same was when I got my confirmation through a phone call speaking to him before hanging up I heard the words that in shock I was so ecstatic to hear, he said, "love you", now like taking a second glance I had to take a second hear, I laughed asking as if it was funny to hear "did you just say love you?", he laughed to tell me "yes I did, I love you". The smile on my face from that day on was never removed. It's hard to explain but in this relationship there was not one thing I had to fight with, nothing was out of my reach, everything just was, everything happened as natural as it should. Where we struggled with the thoughts of others due to the age difference not even broke us away. Everything was as though exactly how it was meant to be. Our first kiss, our first everything was more than I ever could of pictured. On the day of his birthday I remember meeting his family for the first time, not one person questioned our age difference, that's when I truly knew that true love is not a force to be ever recogned with. Three short months went by, not wanting to spend time apart we moved in together. Not once thinking it was too fast, just jumping both feet in is what we did. Soon after walking passed that cute little white house I walked by on my way to work, I seen what it felt like winning the lotto to me a "for sale" sign up. It was immediately after we found ourselves viewing the home, after all the ifs, ands, maybes, we soon moved in to that little white house that I had always felt so drawn to. I remember many moments of feeling as high as the clouds, feeling content, feeling right there in that moment is all i've ever dreamed of since a little girl. Being with him was as natural as it was to breathe, being so all in love no words could ever describe. Feeling on top of the world every day was how we felt together. Yes it was not all perfect, yet even in the bad our love quickly erased all the negative.



One afternoon after working I was excited to get home, to our home, it was my birthday I just wanted to be home. Walking home a little distance away I could see he was on the roof thinking to myself "what is he doing up there?", I quickly walked faster. Coming up to the house I could see he was laughing while watching me approach the house. As I looked up I could see in letters made out of shingles saying "Tonyas Castle", now for some this may be little yet to me meant more to me than ever, my heart felt complete love, in those words I felt is what explained all of how I felt in the life I was living. That home was my castle and he was my prince that rescued me from all horrific things.

NOTE TO ALL: To be continued.....through out my blog posts i'll be continuing in stories of our life. Moments that my heart will always feel along with keep in a safe place. It was in all of our moments of life together that now today is a treasure to my soul. It is in our story that proves to all that true real love fairytales are true.

Through the remembering lays pieces of our "happy thoughts" that remind us that the life we lived made us happy, blissful, joyful, not pain,sadness, tears. As I move forward it is in these moments I smile knowing the love we shared never gets put to rest. Having my husband passed in my life has made me realise I am the person he has always seen me as. His unconditional love awakened my heart to my life, to who I really was as well as what I could do. It was in our love I gained all I needed to love who I am completely.

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Confession: Not Good Enough For My Dreams

Let your love be your guide, it brings you to where your most needed

Often times when I look around to see the fast pace of lives living, I think to myself in frustration "when will it be for me", to discover in the whisper telling me "that is their own time not yours, let go to let it be when the time is yours". Even though this reminder is always there, there are still many moments of great frustration knowing that now is the time I am ready, yet in those bursts of disappointment it is only deflecting what waits for us in its own time. The further we struggle with comparing ourselves with others, the further our purpose gets away from our reach.

Of course there are many moments I think to myself "why can't it be me?", why can't it be now?", yet for us all I think it's pretty natural to look to others wondering when our time will be?. It is in the questioning the frustration we don't realise just where we are now, that each of us carry a purpose that will be used in its own time, that within that purpose is where we will live our goals, dreams, love. Comparing in frustration is not helping the purpose you were born with, it is only prolonging the use of it to live it out in the world to help others.

Seeing others living their dreams while your nourishing yours to be born surely can take a toll on your mind. I do believe it is normal to feel you may be doing something wrong, that maybe it will never be. Through it all we need to realise that we all are different, we carry our own specialized purpose in life, that not all find the way to it right away. To stress, put yourself down, feel horrible of what you do as well as think any of the negative is what shuts you down from getting closer to what ever you seek.



Confession: Sometimes when I see so many in the bliss of their dreams I feel as though I am less than a person than they are due to them getting there so much, so quickly. As fastly as I feel bad I understand that just as blissful as they are that even now I to can be. To take pride in this very moment of all that I have right now in this life I live. Understanding that the dreams I hold don't just happen over night, to smile in knowing soon enough all the hard work will pay off. That something of great signifigence doesn't just happen over night. My heart will always embrace the happiness of others, it is in that moment of truly being happy for others is where your own purposes are being nourished to grow, to blossom one day.

Just now I sat here looking around feeling a little sad of how things are going so slow for me I had an AHA WHISPER, it said, "do not feel any less of where you are, what you are doing, the time of others is not your own, let it go, to let it be in your own time", that, "patience is the food to the purposes you bare". Then as soon as my light had turned back on I grabbed for my journal as well as pencil to write this. It's amazing that if you truly listen you will hear the story your life is trying to tell you. That was proven just now as I sat thinking of how hard it has been. To truly hear those pieces of advice to you it is a must to want to hear it. Don't feel bad for having feelings of negativity, feel better that you did not give in to it, that as soon as you felt it you shifted to the positive, you felt the happiness in you for the others reaching their purpose.

To be grateful for where you are now brings you in to the where you need to be, to be grateful on a higher level. See the ALL of what you have now to notice so many things are around of accomplishments. Take notice in what you have this very moment to know someone else out there may be feeling the way you are due to where you are right now. Your achievements may be bigger to others that are trying to make it through their own life. See others with compassion, help others build their own life up, through it you as well will rise higher along side of it all. Seek positive, to let go the negative that lurks over your shoulder. Be full of love with those around you that are living their dreams. To yearn for others accomplishments is to hold yourself captive of your own.



Truly love out in to the world to smile, to just be all there is what your own purposes are wanting to have, to build on to that to your own. All of us are here to be the lights of our own show, to shine that light no matter where you are in your life will show others in their darkness that their light to is just as bright as what they see from you. Feeling down, feeling bad, feeling sorry for you will only keep you in a prison away from all that you can be. So look to the people around you to understand we are all here to shine, not no one person brighter than another, we are all here with a different purpose, in those purposes is the time to be nourished that in its time it is stronger than ever to conquer all that it's needed to. The purpose we carry unfolds in the time it is strongest enough to be used to its fullest. All of our purposes are a great impact to this world, to make this world a better place.

Look around to smile in knowing each of us is here to make the love in us all stronger. Look to strangers to see they to are here for a purpose that means something to the life we live. Seeing the spark in someone elses eyes is the spark that could turn on so many other sparks in others.

Jealousy is dressed up in disquise to take a hold of all you want in life. To notice it right away is to unchain the chains around you. Being true to who you are unlocks the chains that try to lock up all of your purposes. Feeling sorry for you only leaves you in the behind of what you dream of. Find a true place in your heart to look outwards with all the love you hold from with in. Hold tight to all of what you dreamed of. Let others around you see that you are truly there for them, to help them in times of despair, take pride to be with those living their dreams, through it all the dreams in you will grow becoming stronger waiting for the day to flourish in to all of what you need to live your purpose.



That's where we all lose our focus, we believe that not all of us are here to live out our life the way we always dreamed of. That all the happiness of life may not be what we deserve. It's in those thoughts you need to listen to what your life is trying to tell you. In all of the negative that voice for us gets softer and softer. Breaking the negative whispers makes that voice louder to be heard. To open our hearts is where we let in all of how our life should be seen. It's not about what she/he did, what she/he has, it's about being there through it all being happy for what they are going through. To be love in the purest form is what it is about. Finding room in your heart for others, even if a stranger. Helping others build their foundation, seeing the beauty in all you see is all what feeds your purpose of all the strength it needs.

As a parent we give our all to help our children grow, we be who we want to see them grow to be, is all the same to our purposes needs from us as well. Our purpose is in a way our child, we need to be all of how we want our purpose to be. So as raising a child, our purpose to just don't grow over night. In us all is a love that can reach the ends of the world, use that love to help others grow their purpose , it is in us all to make this world the place it is destined to be. All of our purposes magnifyes off of us on to the world to help the world grow to its fullest of purpose, just as we are doing to grow our own. It's not about me, me, me, it's about us, us, us, in this world. It is not alone we make this world, it is in us all that the world becomes a better place, reaches its purpose in our lives. Once all the competition of higher need is left behind is truly when we will shine the brightest we were meant to. In us all lays a piece of the world becoming the way we all ever dreamed it would be. Our purpose leads us to that puzzle that will come together in the time it needs to be. Find it in your heart to see the love you were born with, in that purest of form is miracles waiting to happen. Sit down to take time to listen to the whisper your life needs you to hear.

Don't look to others in negative ways, negaitive thoughts, those negative ways reflects off them back to your own life leaving you a prisoner from where you need to be. Look to your life to the blessings you have already received, knowing that where you are could very well be a place others are feeling bad because they are not. Running around in the vicious cycle of stress will never break until you break it for yourself. It's not about being good enough, all of us here will always be good enough for what lays ahead of us past the doors to all of our dreams. Just because some make it there faster means nothing to your own. Seeing them there only proves to you that one day you to shall be there. Know in your heart that in your own time it all will be, yet in the mean time help others stand taller, wrap others in love to lift higher when they can't on their own. See the beauty in others dreams coming true knowing that one day it will be for your dreams as well.



NOTE TO ALL: Being in all the negative thoughts is holding yourself prisoner to getting through the doors that are open, feeling your not worthy drounds out the purpose you carry. In this prison you hold the keys to set yourself free, if only you listen to what is all around you, to be in the quiet is where you find the answers you need. Free the negative to let in all the positive you hold inside. See others with nothing but love, once you let the love in everything else falls into your arms. Don't let a closed door keep you from where you want to be sometimes we have to be strong enough to open the doors ourselves. Use the love you hold to lighten others around you. Take the love you hold out into the world to show others that love is what conquers all. Bless others with your smile, let them know they to are of signifigence to the world around us. Be the truest of person you are meant to be. Listen to the advice all around you, take in all of what you hear. Build your life but don't forget about those that are building around you.

Just most of all be happy for where you are now, not where you think your suppose to be. Our purpose is in us all to bloom in its own time. Be the parent to your purpose so in time it will be all of what you have visioned for so long. Seeing others succeed around you is their own time, not yours. Do not let what others may think of you defeat who you really are, hope in your heart that one day they to can let go of the negative that holds them hostage from all they ever could of wanted. It's not in others validations where you need to wait, it is your time, your purpose, it's not in others your purpose grows. To feel sorry for your life you have been given is to throw away a precious gem never to be found.

A short story that made me see the strength in us all, to feel the purpose we carry grow. A very close family member has been in great pain for almost three months, a broken heart. The man she knew I was very close to, I could see in her eyes she loved him as much as she told me. After many, many, many nights of tears as well as wanting to leave this world and almost losing her my heart ached for a solution to mend her heart. So just this past weekend I dragged her out in to the night looking at all familiar places he would be, to find him standing there in one was as though I had won the jack pot. To pull these two together to truly find their love I felt my heart beam, I felt my purpose grow, I felt my light shine a little brighter that is when you are truly at your fullest showing the world that yes you are there, that yes you can be love, that yes you are willing to be all you need to be. You show all of you that yes you are ready to conquer what ever it is that lays ahead. Seeing her pain turn into bliss awakened my life, my heart, my all even more than before. It shined so bright that there is no doubt I will be where I need to get to soon enough.

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Dreams Of Love

Dreams are where our loved ones let us know is a place we will always visit, that even though not here in the flesh in our dreams is where we can be with them.

It was the other night that had reminded me just as yesterday today our hearts feel your absence. It was on this night you reminded me the spot you once took up is no longer there. As a parent there is a time in life where all of you breaks knowing some things are out of our grip to fix, not one thing we could do to make things how they once were. On this night it was a reminder just how vulnerable you can be, not only as a person as a parent as well. It was a night that proved to my every being that our hearts never stop missing the love that we share.

Our children often bring to our eyes things never seen. In all their pureness they enlighten our hearts to open to the world how it should be seen. They allow lessons for us to be learned, even being so young, yet so wise to things in life that we neglect to see. It's in our children that so many of lessons could be taught to us even with all the knowledge we carry. My daughter is forever opening my heart to just how life should be seen. Each day she brings new visions on things that never would of thought of. It is in the purest form through her eyes every situation is seen. Children could teach the hardest of people to find their softer side in life.

Through the years of grieving it was all of everything I had in me to be the strength I needed to make sure our little girl would make it through this the best possible way. That's just it we so greatly want to protect our children we forget that sometimes things are out of our reach, that for their own journey it is for them to feel, to see, to grow. We often forget that even though they are so young their feelings are still as strong as we feel. It's in these feelings where we know we can't change. Their hearts are their own, the impact on their own hearts is not a place we can get to, we may have the words of comfort as well as love yet the feelings they feel are theirs.



Through the grieving journey I neglected to understand that my daughter just as I will always be reminded of the love that she has lost. That even though I'm there giving her all the strength, love, support, she needs her heart will always remind her of the great love that she had. As us adults feel, children feel just the same. My daughters father was a great impact to her life, her heart, so it never will just not be felt. In every song, place, memory, her heart will always remind her she is so greatly loved. Fathers and daughters are a bond in this world that is of great signifigence.

Children may be smaller yet that don't mean they feel any less than we do as adults. The other night was a night in rememberence that we as parents can not heal, fix, make go away, we can love them, speak words of strength as well as love to them, be there for them, yet some things just can't be mended as fast as we wished it to be. This night made me see that the loss that I feel, that what I go through is not only felt by me, it is felt by the both of us. It was a night that broke all of me, to look to her to see in her eyes she to will forever feel the impact on the greatest love that is no longer here. It took everything I had in me to speak, yet it was in that moment I knew sometimes no words are needed just love. A reminder to let her know that the love she misses is still with her, around her, in her heart.

The grieving journey comes in many shapes, forms, ages, it is not felt by just the older, it is there to be felt by all. Grief does not shy away from even those that are so young. In it all it is through love you will find the way to hug that heart that aches. The wrath of grief will always linger, in good times and bad it will always be. Our children will always experience those moments as we do. Through our love it will be comforted, through our light their's to will be put on. Through every moments in life there will always be the reminder of the greatest love we lost. It is our hearts that will always reflect the life we once had. Use the wisdom you hold to wrap around other's in their times of despair. The little things we use to help our times of heartache can be shed on to those in their moments of great sadness. Together the love that you share will always shine brighter than the darkness that lingers over. Through this all it was love that brought my daughter and I through the darkness to the light. Through me she to can turn on her own light, that in all the bad moments in her life she will always be the brighter light.



So the other night at 4:00am I was awakened by the cry of my little girl. Through her tears she looked to me in complete sadness to tell me she had a dream of her daddy, that when she woke up he was not there any more. Having that dream made her miss him, once she realised when she woke he was gone. I could feel all of her hurt, just as I have in many moments of grief. At first none of me could respond, that's when I found out that sometimes it's ok to let your children see your tears, that no words are to be needed. That in that moment it is through the tears as well as love is all our hearts needed to feel. Through the tears the love finds a way to mend the tears that fall. On this night was a lesson to my heart, that sometimes it's ok to let your children know you to feel how they feel, that you to miss who they are missing, that how they feel is ok, to know to take each moment as it comes, that as parents there are some things we can't control nor make go away. It's in the vulnerable you find the purest of love that always over powers the pain, the darkness, the tears.

So at 4:30 in the morning together we put on our own lights, we got up, bundled up as warm as can be, wrote a letter to her daddy, tied it to a balloon, went out into the cold night in the back yard to let go of all our love, our missing him, our hurt, we both together let go of the note attached to the balloon and watched it rise in to the clouds as long as we could until we could not see it no more. In that letter was a piece of our heart, our pain released into the sky to the heart of our true love where ever he may be. As I watched the balloon I looked to my daughter to see a smile, in that moment was a hug to her heart, it was a release of something materialistic yet also it was a release to her pain that night. It is through the simple gestures full of great love that truly work, that truly touch your heart to let it know "yes it will be ok" that "yes another moment of pain has been defeated".

For every moment that comes our way I know together with love we will conquer that darkness, that even though it may linger our lights will always make it disappear. Our hearts will forever have moments of great pain yet through that pain we will find what we need to let it go. Dreams are for us to spend time with those no longer here, in those dreams we get to be how it was before. It's in the waking up we need to find our way back to our light. To be able to take that pain and put it at ease. Through the path of grieving there are going to be many moments that surface, things that will flicker that loss you bare yet through it all you find the ways to understand it is just your heart reminding you of the sweet memories it holds, that the truest of love will remain. On this night my heart broke, yet through love each and every time it breaks the love will carefully put it back together, piece by piece. That no matter what it is ok to cry, to miss, yet to move forward in building the foundation of the life you are living. Through our children many of lessons are to be learned, through their eyes our heart opens. To not neglect the fact that just because their little doesn't mean they feel little. That with them by your side anything you face is possible to get past. With your love they to can over come it all.



My daughter is a huge reminder that with her there is not anything we can not do. That with our love everything will be brighter. Through my daughter I see the life we've always were meant to live. That the purest of love we were blessed with will always be with us. Each day we carry our loved one passed with us in the smiles we have, the love that we feel. It is in us we have part of our loved ones passed that keep them forever in our lives.

NOTE TO ALL: In dreams we use that time to visit those we miss, it is a gift to us to share with them. Through the pain there is always a way to release it in to the universe. The impact of the love you loss will forever remind you it is never gone. Our children will always feel, no matter how small or how big, they to feel just how we feel. Love will always be there to turn on your light, pain is never to be carried, to be felt but let go, in the littlest gestures lays a big hug to your pain. It's about gaining strength in one another, seeing things through an open heart. Finding a way to see life through our childs eyes.

Grief will always be yet the pain don't have to be. Through the gestures of love the pain can be released, pain is our plat form that we need to use to lift us higher. My daughter is my reminder that love is the purest of all that we all hold in us. Through love our light brightens, through love we seek our light, in our times of despair love will turn on our lights for us. As someone I know says "there is not anythig the Ouimet girls can not do, the Ouimet girls are a role model of great strength".



In the earliest of days the bond was already there, the purest of love had come in to our life that not even death could take that away from us.

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