Ready not ready ready not ready

So recently thinking to myself I decided since it has been over a year I thought that maybe dating would be something I would be ready for.  Now as someone grieving you must know that sometimes decisions that are made can change within seconds.  The emotions we feel are always so up and down that choices we feel change along with the emotions we feel.  This wasn't a decision made lightly, this was something I truly thought it was time for.  This choice was something I truly, deeply thought out a lot.  In all of me I felt it would be good for me, that it was time to quit hiding as well as being afraid of.  As we go through our grieving journey emotions are strong, they can be devastating as well as very painful, now when you encounter disappointment it is not just disappointment, it is disappointment times a million.  When you encounter anything negative it hits the grieving a million times worse.  Not saying we are victims in any way, just that our emotions are so powerful that we feel everything a million times more than the usual. 

I was with my husband passed for twelve years, we made a life together, true love was around every single day, we made a family together the way life was meant to be for me.  Being with someone you intend to spend the rest of your days with is what made you content, thinking about being single was the furthest thing from your mind.  Never questioning what it be, how it was to be single.  I never thought of life as ever having to be single again.  When you go from being so all in love to being single your heart often asks "what am I suppose to do from here on"?.  In writing for this blog it has been a huge passion to me to be able to hand out words of wisdom to all that read.  It has been a while since being here due to the fact that all I had in me seemed to of vanished, all hopes, dreams, words of advice, positive outlooks, it was all very fogged for some time now.  I felt my passion was not around me no longer, feeling to myself that if I honestly did not know myself,  what it was I was going through, how could I be here to help others?, well it is through the difficulties, the tremendous pain, heartache, that it is the reason to be here, to type away what it is I feel, to get it out there, to let it go, to send to all of you so perhaps someone who reads will understand to realise they to feel the same, in that moment it helps them to see they are not alone.  It is through my worse of pain to my hopes that all of me truly hopes that others understand they are not different nor abnormal for emotions they feel through grieving, this to me is as though it is a diary of my experiences being shared to who reads, that through these experiences even in the darkest of them someone will see just a tiny bit of light. 

No one can ever express to us the exact way we are suppose to feel, grieving is the one pain that takes on many emotions.  For two weeks I felt myself going through a very hard time, all of you feels it, your body knows it, right at the exact moment you get hit by the emotions you know it.  You feel your hopes go, things that were of importance are no longer, you feel alone, your smile fades.  I tell everyone it is not a pretty place to go yet in those moments we always remind our self it is not where we will stay.  It"s as though it is a learning experience for our soul to go through these trying times due to the fact that every time I have been there I have learned more and more of myself as well as my life.  Yes we get scared, it is a place we feel we will never come back from, yet when it breaks you appreciate everything all that much more.  For 34 years of my life I have never once experienced anxiety but in these last 2 weeks I know it all quite well.  For those in anxiety I say to you to not let it scare you, take a deep breath, think of that one great moment in life, let it go, do not let it control your thoughts, anxiety is something that likes to creep up on you very quickly but as quick as it does you can zap it just as fast.  Deep breaths, change your thoughts are all that is needed, take the time to understand it is not you going crazy,  it is just you letting the best get to you.  It is not easy I understand very well, it is doable.  Anxiety is all just negative thoughts, be easy on yourself, allow yourself to know that you are not a weak person, that in time it will subside.  Your mind is a powerful place.  To all bad thoughts it is in our hearts that we can chase them away.  DEEP BREATHING+GOOD THOUGHTS=ANXIETY FREE.

Know this list in anxiety that is all it is that brings on so many of things in you, recognise it is just that to understand YOU ARE OK that in good thoughts as well as love it will diminish.

• Allergy problems, increase in allergies (number, sensitivity, reactions, lengthier reactions)
  Back pain, stiffness, tension, pressure, soreness, spasms, immobility in the back or back muscles
• Blanching (looking pale, loss of color in the face or skin)
• Blushing, turning red, flushed face, flushed skin, blushing, red face or skin
• Body aches, parts of or your entire body feels sore and achy, feels like your body and muscles are bruised
• Body jolts, body zaps, electric jolt feeling in body, intense body tremor or “body shake”
• Body temperature increase or decrease, change in body temperature
• Burning skin, itchy, “crawly,” prickly or other skin sensations, skin sensitivity, numbness on the skin
• Burning skin sensation on the face, neck, ears, scalp, or shoulders
• Buzzing sensation in the feet, toes, hands, fingers, arms, legs
• Chest pain, chest tightness
• Choking
• Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out
• Clumsiness, feeling clumsy, co-ordination problems with the limbs or body
• Cold chills, feeling cold
• Craving sugar, sweets, chocolate, usual craving for sugar and sweets
• Difficulty speaking, moving mouth, talking, co-ordination problems with the mouth or tongue
• Dizziness, feeling lightheaded
• Dizzy, feeling dizzy
• Electric shock feeling, body zaps
• Excess of energy, you feel you can’t relax
• Falling sensation, feel like your are falling or dropping even though you aren't
• Feel like you are going to pass out or faint
• Feeling cold or chilled
• Feel wrong, different, foreign, odd, or strange
• Flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feel ill, like you are coming down with a flu
• Flushed face, red face, flushed skin
• Frequent urination
• Hair loss, hair is thinning, or clumps of hair are falling out
• Head Zaps
• Heart palpitations, racing heart
• Hyperactivity, excess energy, nervous energy
• Increased or decreased sex drive
• Infection - increased infections, persistent infection
• Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
• Muscles that vibrate, jitter, tremor, or shake when used
• Muscle twitching
• Nausea
• Nausea vomiting
  
• Neck, back, shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
• Night sweats, waking up in a sweat, profusely sweating at night
• No energy, feeling lethargic, tired
• Numbness
• Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
• Numbness and tingling, and other skin sensations on hands, feet, face, head, or any other places on the body
• Persistent muscle tension, stiffness
• Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
• Pulsing or throbbing muscles. Pulsing or throbbing sensation.
• Red skin, skin looks like or is turning red
• Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage
• Sexual Dysfunction, sexual uninterest
• Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
• Shooting pains in the face
• Shooting pains in the scalp or head
• Skipped heart beats
• Sore or tight scalp or back of the neck
• Startle easily
• Sweating, uncontrollable profuse sweating
• The floor feels like it is moving either down or up for no reason
• Tightness in the ribs or rib cage area, may also feel like a tight band around the ribs or rib cage area.
• Tingling sensations, anywhere on the body, including the hands, feet, legs, arms, head, mouth, chest, groin area
• Throat or mouth clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
• TMJ
• Trembling, shaking, tremors
• Twitching
• Unsteadiness, dizziness, feeling dizzy or lightheaded
• Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom (similar to urinary tract or prostate infection symptoms)
• Warm spells
• Weak - feel weak, weakness, low energy, light, soft, like you may faint
• Weak legs, arms, or muscles
• Weight loss, weight gain 

 

 

Chest (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the chest area):

• Chest tremors, trembling in the chest, chest feels like it is vibrating
• Chest pain or discomfort
• Concern about the heart
• Feel like you have to force yourself to breath
• Find it hard to breath, feeling smothered, shortness of breath
• Frequent yawning to try and catch your breath
• Heart Palpitations – beating hard or too fast, rapid heartbeat
• Heart - Irregular heart rhythms, flutters or ‘skipped’ beats, tickle in the chest that makes you cough
• Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard
• Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage

 

Fears (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with fear):

• A heightened fear of what people think of you
• Afraid of being trapped in a place with no exits
• Constant feeling of being overwhelmed.
• Fear of being in public
• Fear of dying
• Fear of losing control
• Fear of impending doom
• Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others
• Fear of passing out
• Fear that you are losing your mind
• Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations
• Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings
• Heightened self awareness, or self-consciousness
• Need to find nearest washrooms before you can feel comfortable
• Need to seat near exits

Head (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the head):

• Brain fog
• Burning, itchy, tight scalp
• Dizziness
• Dizzy

• Dizziness or light-headedness
• Frequent headaches, migraine headaches
• Feeling like there is a tight band around your head, pressure, tightness
• Hair loss, hair is thinning, or clumps of hair are falling out
• Head, neck or shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness
• Head zaps, head tremors
• Giddiness
• Numbness
• Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
• Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face
• Shooting pains in the face
• Shooting pains in the scalp or head
• When you close your eyes you feel like are beginning to, or will, float upwards
• Sore jaw that feels like a tooth ache
• TMJ (Temporo-Mandibular Joint) - clenching of the jaw or grinding of the teeth 

 

Hearing/Ear(s) (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with hearing):

• Feel like there is something stuck in your ear, that your ear canal it plugged or blocked, that there is a pebble in your ear that you can't get out
• Low rumbling sounds
• Reduced hearing, frequent or intermittent reduced hearing or deafness in one or both ears
• Ringing in the ears, noises in the ears, noises in the head
• Pulsing in the ears, throbbing sound in the ear(s)
• Tickle or itch in your ear that you can't seem to get at 

 

 

 

Mind (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mind and thinking):

• Afraid of everything
• Altered state of reality, consciousness, or universe feeling
• Brain Fog
• Deja Vu, a feeling like you've done or experienced something before
• Depersonalization
• Derealization
• Desensitization
• Difficulty concentrating, short-term memory loss
• Difficulty thinking, speaking, forming thoughts, following conversations
• Disorientation
• Fear of going crazy
• Fear of losing control
• Fear of impending doom
• Feelings of unreality

 

• Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do
• Having difficulty concentrating
• Nightmares, bad dreams
• Obsession about sensations or getting better
• Repetitive thinking or incessant ‘mind chatter’
• Short-term learning impairment, have a hard time learning new information
• Short-term memory impairment, can't remember what I did a few days, hours, or moments ago
• Spaced out feelings, feeling spaced out
• "Stuck" thoughts; thoughts, mental images, concepts, songs, or melodies that "stick" in your mind and replay over and over again.
• Trapped in your mind feeling
• Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
• You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders

 

Mood / Emotions (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with mood, emotions, and feelings):

• Always feeling angry and lack of patience
• Depersonalization
• Depression
• Dramatic mood swings (emotional flipping)
• Emotionally blunted, flat, or numb
• Emotional "flipping" (dramatic mood swings)
• Emotions feel wrong
• Everything is scary, frightening
• Feeling down in the dumps
• Feeling like things are unreal or dreamlike
• Frequently being on edge or 'grouchy'
• Feel like crying for no apparent reason
• Have no feelings about things you used to
• Not feeling like yourself, detached from loved ones, emotionally numb
• Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
• You feel like you are under pressure all the time

 

 

Mouth/Stomach (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the mouth and stomach):

• A ‘tinny’, ‘metallic’ or ‘ammonia’, or unusual smell or taste
• Aerophagia (swallowing too much air, stomach distention, belching)
• Burning mouth, feeling like the inside of your mouth is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these together or at different times
• Burning tongue, feeling like your tongue is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles, or all of these, or all of these together or at different times
• Choking
• Constant craving for sugar or sweets
• Constipation
• Diarrhea
• Difficulty swallowing
• Difficulty talking, pronouncing certain letters or sounds, mouth feels like it isn't moving right, slurred speech
• Dry mouth
• Feeling like you can’t swallow properly or that something will get caught in your throat
• Feeling like your tongue is swollen
• IBS
• Lack of appetite or taste
• Lump in the throat, tight throat, something stuck in your throat
• Mouth muscles twitching/jumping
• Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
• Nausea
• Nausea vomiting
• Nausea or abdominal stress
• Numbness
• Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
• Stomach upset, gas, belching, bloating
• Teeth grinding
• The thought of eating makes you nauseous
• Tight throat, lump in throat
• Throat or mouth clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking
• TMJ
• Tongue symptoms - Tingly, “stretched,” numb, frozen, itchy, “crawly,” burning, twitching, “jumpy,” aching, sore, or swollen tongue (when it isn’t).
• Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom
• Vomiting 

Skin (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with the skin):

• Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
• Numbness
• Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
• Skin problems, infections, rashes

 

 

Sleep (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sleep):

• Difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Frequent bad, bizarre, or crazy dreams
• Hearing sounds in your head that jolt you awake
• Insomnia, or waking up ill in the middle of the night
• Jolting awake
• Waking up in a panic attack
• You feel worse in the mornings

 

 

Sight (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sight):

• Distorted, foggy, or blurred vision
• Dry, watery or itchy eyes
• Eye tricks, seeing things our of the corner of your eye that isn’t there, stars, flashes
• Eyes sensitive to light
• Spots in the vision
• Flashing lights when eyes are closed
• Your depth perception feels wrong

 

Touch (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with touch):

• Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity
• Feeling cold or chilled
• Numbness
• Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling
• Pain
• Tingling, pins and needles feelings

Other anxiety symptoms are described as:

Being like a hypochondriac, muscle twinges, worry all the time, tingles, gagging, tightness in the chest, tongue twitches, shaky, breath lump, heart beat problems, head tingles, itchy tingling in arms and legs, and so many more.

In addition to these anxiety symptoms, you may also find yourself worrying compulsively about:
• Having a heart attack
• Having a serious undetected illness
• Dying prematurely
• Going insane or losing your mind
• Suddenly snapping
• Losing it
• Uncontrollably harming yourself or someone you love
• Losing control of your thoughts and actions
• Being embarrassed or making a fool out of yourself
• Losing control
• Fainting in public
• Not breathing properly
• Losing control of reality
• Choking or suffocating
• Being alone

Many, many symptoms to know of, yet it is something that takes on so many.  Through it you have all the power to make it disappear.  Know in your whole self that it is not you, that in it you are not weaker then it.  Fears in your stomach is what is the worse of it, take those fears to understand that in your fears is where all your dreams lay waiting for you to take a hold of.  Know in your whole being that fears are only fears due to them being the unknown.  Taking the negative to turn it into positive is what awaits in your darkest hours.  Allow yourself to know that it is not in control of you, you are in control of you, your life, your mind.  Stress as well as worries is what allows our self to go in over load, let the stress as well as worries to not visit you, understand that those stress and worries are not even things that need be worried about, that in due time things will unfold for a brighter, beautiful new beginning for you.  Worries are negative thoughts that try to allude your thoughts, to try to attempt to bring your positive down, to erase what it is you dream of.  Tell your worries and fears to come another day, that in this moment you let it go to know in your heart things will be just fine.  Remember that true love is on your side, it is your gift to your soul.  It is all very hard, I truly understand it is, in those moments in your life that you feel in the dark, finding things you never knew before is what makes it all that more brighter.  Be easy on yourself, the bright light always prevails through the dark, if it does not come to you fast enough create your own bright light.

Through my learning of getting back in to the dating world I come to understand that the man I thought I could move forward with was sent in to my life to prove to myself as well as heart that right now is not the time for me, that even though I felt I was ready my heart needed more time to fix things that still needed time.  That through him I have seen that things may seem to be the right moment can fool you to realise that it is not.  Through him I have learned that in time things will fall right where they need to, that we can not rush anything if the time is not right, if things are not meant to be in that moment.  Grieving is something we all must deal with so gently, grieving asks that you always must be gentle to yourself, give yourself room to just feel it, that it is not meant to be ignored nor rushed.  Trying to rush things due to the fact of frustrations is not something your body as well as heart will allow.  Afraid of dating I ask myself, very much so, yet it is not something that will keep me from wanting to love, knowing in my heart that it will happen when ready to be.  Constant worry with frustration gets you to no where any faster, letting it go to understand in due time it will just be is the best way to let it be to yourself as well as heart.  I know in my heart that waiting for the someone who is the best suited to me is always worth the wait,  "good things come to those who wait", that is the absolute truth, in time he will be sent to my heart picked by the one man that knows me the best.  I have had the best I say to myself, this time around he will be the best in his own ways.

NOTE TO ALL:  Grieving is not something that will ever be gone, it is through patience, love, understanding we come to understand that it is something we will forever deal with.  Things in life may not always go the way we picture them to be, that is not something to be frustrated for, it may not be the way you imagined yet it happens in the way it was meant to be in its own way.  Worries along with stress are things in our life that are always something that is there to try to distract us from our visions, our goals.  Be gentle to your grieving heart, don't allow yourself to be angered at yourself for feeling the way you do, embrace yourself to allow yourself to grow with the scar that you bare, it is a scar of true love.  Scars are our signatures to the new life that shines bright into our hearts, into others around us.  Allow yourself to understand that time is not ticking against us, it is ticking to the very beat of our hearts, our life.  Rushing for anything gets you back to the very same place you started.  Understand you are the power to your whole self, anxiety is not no more than bad thoughts, take those bad thoughts to turn them in to the bright light that shines for you.  Fears are not scary, they are simply things that are unknown, it is in the unknown you find the greatest of things that await for you to find.  Don`t judge yourself for the steps back you take, it is only the going forward that counts.  Trust in your loved ones passed gift to you, true love.  Trust in your hearts that sometimes you may roam to the unknown but always find the way to the place you need to be.