This is a place for all broken grieving hearts to come, its my safe haven and I share this with all of you to be your safe haven. I am hoping through my journey of grieving as well as my real life experiences through grieving I can help all through their darkest hours, to ease the pain a little less, to maybe just give an ear to listen because sometimes that's all we need.

I am willing to bare all to each and everyone who comes to this blog. I want no one to be shy of anything. I want anyone to ask question's, tell their stories with pride. No one will judge you, or think you are different. We are all here going through the same thing GRIEVING. This is my safe haven, your safe haven. The place to heal, to find your smile again. Through this all I am on a journey to writing a book as well "The Grieving Path To Joy".

Jul 21, 2012

The Bad @$$ in me

I don't know what it is that the grieving process has brought out in me, lately I've noticed things in me that were never before.  I honestly believe in all of me that once you have suffered the worse pain in your life it opens all of you to everything you were once afraid of is no longer.  That through the most horrific tragedy your body, mind as well as soul truly sees just what it can handle to smile back at you.  In the most trying times you look back to understand that "well if I made it through all that, thinking I could never but have then what is it that I can not do in this life?".  From starting anew there are so many challenges that I have faced, from being this once low confident lady, to becoming a lady filled with confidence like no other, to feeling complete, utter power from within.  I see that lady that once was smiling back at me each as well as every day.  I don't give thanks to just myself for this, I give strength to my heart so full of true love, I give thanks to my beautiful family that carried me through the days I was at my weakest, I thank my daughter for inspiring me to always be the best I can for us, I thank my husband for touching my soul with his power of true unconditional love as well as belief.  I thank Oprah for her greater than life Inspiration as well as her network OWNTV, I thank Deepak Chopra for opening my eyes to healing spiritually as well as taking notice in all other most beautiful cultures in this world, I thank OwnAmbassadors for their strength as well as constant belief along with larger than life love.  I thank James Van Praagh for his gift to us all that grieve, his genuine, compassionate, true, heart he bares.

I see a girl that once was that took a complete 360 in life, the girl that once was still lays within yet she has blossomed to be a beautiful butterfly that flies every single day she awakes.  Once you have felt the pain of a lifetime your heart truly opens to the possibilities in this life that we can have.  The tremendous, horrific pain seems to turn in the most splendid of belief, power along with strength that was never before.  Looking back I look upon all the suffering I have bared to see now that going through it all is exactly what needed be to be here where I am to this day.  Going out into the world I embrace it all, I walk with such pride as well as confidence, I smile to everyone I see in hopes to lift their hearts a little, I approach everything knowing in mind that I can do what ever it is that is brought to my direction.  If I feel in my heart that there is something I want I chase it until it is my reality.  Looking back to all the times I have been in complete fear to know now that it did not even make me flinch an eye makes me understand that there is not anything that my fears can take a control of, in all of my fears I've conquered it all.

In the life of pain is when we come to see that it is our hearts, our minds, our soul that will lift us up past it all.  Thinking to myself that if I have been through it all then there is not one thing that I can be fearful of, today I see in myself an attitude of nothing but true, honest, compassion, along with love.  Not like before I find myself telling it like it is from my heart, to not be afraid to speak of the truth, to express to others forwardly just how it is I feel.  Yet doing so you must always keep in mind to tell it from the heart with love.  Not at all like how I was before, always being afraid to step on toes due to hurting feelings or getting a person angry for the truth that I speak, now to this day that has changed, I talk with love yet in a fearless way.  I express what it is I feel from the heart with no fear of what others may feel nor think.  My emotions from day to day differ yet I hold on to the fact that there is no struggle my heart can not bare.  If you hurt me, if you judge me, if you snub me unlike before it does not shatter me as well as you will know from me what it is you have done.  Getting rid of all negativity within seconds allows your self to rise above it all, it is as though the weight that once held you down is no longer.  Due to the constant living in fears, to being in complete darkness along with pain to finding that in it you made it through proves to all of you that there is not anything you can not do, to feel this, to see this is a feeling as though you are walking on cloud 9 every step in life that you take, in every walk that you walk in this life you feel complete confidence, you feel proud and most of all you feel such huge gratefulness.

The prisoner I once was is now the warden that sets all rules and takes no prisoners in the negative thoughts that lurk nor the fears that creep from behind.  Grieving has been my stepping stones to rising to being the beautiful, strong person that I am that I continue to be.  In grief it is at the bottom that I have built my foundation to a future that can not, will not be broken.  The foundation I built from rock bottom up is a foundation built from anew made of nothing but love, strength, truthfulness, as well as power within to strive for it all even in fears.  I find it often times as I approach things in life that in my heart I know that nothing can ever be as painful as it was along with how it still is.  Once you see yourself on a level of nothing but complete confidence there is nothing else that is needed to be seen.  Now through it all I always choose to be the love that I have been given, to set out in this new life to touch others with nothing but love, to help others realise that they to can feel everything that they have ever wanted, that in them the butterfly is there to bloom.  The confidence I feel, the power I feel is used to the best intentions not the negative, hurtful kind.  However in my moments of life sometimes the negative will get told exactly what it is that I feel.  Negative is what lurks around you to bring you down, negativity is attracted to positive in hopes to prevail over to win the battle of jealousy in life sometimes.  Walking forward with love is what erases that all, trying to touch that negativity with love is what makes it evaporate in to thin air.

When I walk I notice it is with attitude, it is with pride, it is with the thought that today I am going to achieve everything that comes my way, that in the future the goals I dream of will be achieved, that there is no hurry to get there too fast, enjoy the now. Enjoy the little things, take the time to just love it all now big or small.  If you walk with the attitude of not letting the negativity in the negativity runs away from you not in your direction.  This is a gift that most of us in grief will bare, this is a gift that in time will be of notice as well as embraced.  It is right here and right now I want all grieving hearts to know that in due time you will start to see as well as feel it, once you take notice to all of what you have been through yet here you stand the gift of wings will grow, bringing you to the clouds each day you awake.  Once you start to look back to understand that the things that you have battled to win are things that most could not bare, you will see just how thankful your heart will feel.  That is when you start walking to the future with the loss of negativity, the darkness disappears, the pain turns to love.  This life is all about spreading our wings to fly, so why spend it with out.  Taking off the ground rising above is in us all.  Each day that I wake up I want the most negative people to be afraid, to be very afraid, I want the negativity to realise that one day it will no longer be, that it will be positive, nothing but positive.  Negative needs to understand that it is the prisoner that in time it will be put away to sulk in wishing it was positive.  I hear this quote lots and love it because this is what we should feel towards all negativity,
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!".


Each morning I want negativity all around to know that once my feet hit the ground it will never take a hold of me nor my belief.  I say this has come from my journey to grieving due to the fact that the tremendous pain has taught me so much.  My husband passed in the 12 years together was molding me in to this day by day, although he is not here to see the end results he looks at me with a huge smile knowing that is the woman he knew was there all along.  It's funny because now as soon as I am approached with negativity my stomach feels it right away, my mind knows it is there, not even knowing who it is, my intuition sets off to let me know right within an instant.  In those moments I stop to look it direct in the eyes to let it know that either you can change or simply walk the other way, this lady takes no prisoners.  Also understanding it could come from within, I say to myself,  "today has no room for negative thoughts because that was something I said good bye to forever long ago".  Our mind can do the most amazing of things if we allow our self to let it.  Once you have let it go you find that from that day on there is no room for it to be, that nothing comes your way but the positive that you have built to for so long.  All of me just wants to scream at the top of a mountain all the things that I have been through, I want the world to know that the biggest of transformations can happen if you allow it to.  I want my story to be told to touch hearts all around the world, I want every breaking grieving heart to be touched with my love, I want all grieving heartaches to know that the ache turns out to feel a love like never felt before.  All grieving need to know that even though it hurts like a mad man right now in this moment that in the end it turns out to be a process to you all growing your wings to fly, to bloom into the beauty as well as love that you have always been.

Coming from the deepest of tragedy you understand that through it you have survived that nothing in this life will scare you, will make you back down, that each day things that were hard become the easiest, that what is it that we can not face after all that we have already?.  It is though you walk through life not afraid to speak of how you feel, to do things with out fear knowing if you fall you will rise above again, that in your failure is when you learn to try, try again, that failing is not even a word it is a lesson to you to understand.  Once you look back to see that you are a survivor the gratefulness over flows through you to open nothing but complete happiness, positivity, love as well as a whole lot of being proud.  It is within all those traits that starts you to build to a life of nothing but love for everything around you, it starts to make you understand that in this life we all deserve to fly, we all deserve to achieve the greatest of things.  Hold your loved ones passed in a special place and take them for a ride into your bright future so they can be verified that you have been the person they knew you had in you always.  There love will shine bright within you, there love will carry over to all the new things you build in this new life.  So on this day I will always embrace my bad @$$ attitude I get from time to time because I know it is used for the greater power, to conquer all negativity that lurks around, to beat all fear that steps forward my way.  

NOTE TO ALL:  Within us all that are dealt with grief it is in us to understand that once you have dealt with such horrific of battles that in this life everything is doable, it did not break us it made us.  We are different yet the old still will always remain within us in our hearts.  Building to anew brings out love, it brings out bravery, it brings out the bad @$$ in us all.  Negativity gets zapped to never come back again, yet if it does it is scared to even approach us.  Grieving proves to our hearts that we have bared a special gift, it proves to us that building from rock bottom up builds power, a power that will never be shattered.  Our loved ones passed get validations to their love that we have been the bright light all along we just needed to be shown.  In us we all bare the traits to rise above it all, we are survivors, we are love.  Don't let the worse of the worse get to you, it is just an illusion trying to fog your sight from seeing all the glory in love as well as positive.





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