I love remembering the greatest of memories on my days of
great sadness because through those greatest of memories is what brings you
home and back to the level of love that fills your entirety of your heart mind
soul and body. Remembering the memories that
hold in your heart drives out the bad to leave you to find your smile so today
was a day I was in remembrance of many funny, loving, warmth felt feelings of
the person I no longer see here in this world.
It is through the memories that are so vivid to you that carry through
you a piece of the person you have lost, it honors their life, it carries them
through each and every day you make new memories that one day will be memories
of the heart that will always conquer your darkness. When I feel the shadows above I close my eyes
to see those memories, feel those memories, smile of those memories to open my
eyes to see nothing but the brightest of what is all around me.
Not so long ago after my husband passed and I bought our
home my father was in a bad place and nowhere to go, although distant to him I
knew in my heart the right thing to me was to give him a roof over his head, a
place he could call home and not have the worries of where he would have to
stay. So many memories of that certain
time in my life make my heart beam in knowing of the laughter he brought every
day to my life the days he was with us, yes there were some hard times but
those are strongly erased by the more of the greatest of memories that took
place in our home. On a day bright and
sunny I was asleep due to working midnights but if you know me you know sleep
is not a friend of mine, I am still not sure if it’s a problem or if it is just
I don’t want to miss a thing. As I laid
trying to sleep I could hear the hustle and bustle of noises coming from my
front porch, again not wanting to miss a thing this struck my curiosity leaving
me to of course get up and check it out, eyes half close, half asleep I wandered
to the front door to look outside being blinded by the beautiful sun shine and
blue sky I looked to the left to see my father sitting in a chair but not alone
on his lap was our dog max, well this may seem normal to you but our dog was
huge, here was a 130 pound dog sitting up on my dad’s lap as each car went by
both their heads in exact motion together watched the cars drive by. As I looked to this I had to take triple
glances in knowing if it was me half asleep or if it was really actually
happening. I could not believe how funny
it was to see such an enormous dog sitting on a man’s lap and seeing it was not at all
uncomfortable to my dad as they sat there and to also see how in sync both of
their heads were watching everything that passed by. I smiled and laughed so hard and could not
believe what I was seeing, getting my dad’s attention he just glanced at me and
smiled as if to say “life is great” enjoying the warmth, sun and beautiful blue
skies of the day they both were doing together.
Then thinking of another day as we all sat out on our
beautiful porch talking, laughing, enjoying the afternoon in the calm and peace
of what our life felt that day I noticed my dad sitting on the stair to our
porch, growing up with little time I was with my dad I always knew of the
clumsiness that he held in him, I sat to watch everyone chatting to see my dad
lean over to lean on the rail but on that side there was no rail, just before I
could get the words out of mouth my dad had already leaned and off the porch he
went landing in the flowers underneath him, of course out of normal reaction everyone
jumped up but he was fine and that lead to the kind of laugh that it makes your
stomach hurt and eyes water, this alone to this days still has the same effect on me.
So many of moments grab my heart of memories of him that I truly have
special of times with him to remember even though we were so distant and not of
normal father daughter relation. That
even he was so absent in my life there are still memories that fill my all to
help with those surprising moments of sadness that creep up on you so fast. I smile in knowing yes I do have memories of
the heart and joy to fill the sadness that I do have memories of us that are of
the greatest no matter how bad our times were as father and daughter.
Another memory was of me cooking supper for us one day, a
nice pot roast was cooking as I chopped vegetables to go with, as the potatoes
boiled in the pan I could see my dad creeping for something to pick in,
thinking to myself, “what possibly could he taste if everything was in a hot
pan cooking”? well not really sure what
my dad was thinking I see him reach into the potato pan take one out in the
boiling water and throw it in his mouth, my jaw dropped in thinking so many of
things but knowing my dad I knew it was totally something he would do, in me
lays a little of that trait clumsiness with not thinking before doing
haha. Well he spit that potato out so
fast with a lot of chosen cuss words, I never laughed so much as I did seeing
the reaction on his face and the chosen words that came out of his mouth, my aunt,
my mom, my husband all witnesses were as I was at first shocked but yet again
laughing so much our bellies hurt. This
memory another I keep in my special place when times get dark in my life I’m
living now without my dad here on earth.
It is all of the greatest memories that become your special gifts to the
life you move forward in without those you lost, it’s truly in that love of the
moment that will take you so far beyond the pain that wants to consume them
all, remembering keeps you full of their love and where there is love there are
no darkness that can ever take place with that space.
While being young there were weekends I would visit my dad
on the weekends, there was a moment now that gets to me every time to fill my
all with a smile while back then I’d think to myself “omg my dad is such a
nerd”. He loved his Rolling Stones and
here I was a young girl so not into that music being the hip cool person I
thought I was and thinking oh how lame my dad was for the music he liked. So here comes a McJagger song and there is my
dad singing, dancing acting as if he was though the most bad @$$ dude on earth
getting down being McJagger, it was as though he was on stage performing, I
never again laughed so hard in my life but you know what to this day I’m 36 and
will rock it to a song and dance around with a spoon in my hand thinking I’m a
star on stage, not so different is it?
It truly is a true gem to me to find the similarities that lay in me
that never realised before. All the
memories that fill my heart always turn out the darkness leaving my all feel as
though I am taking in all of my father’s soul, that leave me with a smile rather
than tears that were filling my eyes.
My dad on weekends was always something we knew my brother
and I just knew would be full of things that were of trouble and mischief but a
good trouble. One weekend on a cold
night my dad says to us “there’s this
man that is such a pain in the @$$ that I want to prank, being young and loving
a good adventure my brother and I looked to one another like oh man what is
going to happen to our dad cause we always knew his clumsiness took over any
idea he pondered in his head, he looks to us holding eggs, says to us follow
me, but you better be able to run fast or we will get caught, so me and my
brother followed laughing cause we knew we could run fast it was our dad we
were worried about. We go out the back
door of his apartment my dad holding the eggs as he points to the apartment
behind us saying “there that’s where that pain in the @$$ lives” than says “ok get ready to run as fast as you
can”, and takes the eggs and throws them to the patio of the man for some
reason bothered him as we see him throwing the very first egg my brother and I
never ran as fast as we did, looking back I could see the light turn on to the
apartment but not seeing my dad, thinking where the heck did he go looking down
on the gravel I see him, my brother and I faraway look back seeing him bolt but
whipped out on the gravel. Laughing so
hard and thankfully out of the sight of the man we go back helping my dad get
up, my brother and I knew something would end up happening as it did in the
back of our mind. This may not be a good
idea for anyone to try but a memory again that still to this day makes me laugh
and smile so much that is embedded so deeply in my heart of remembrance of my
dad and our memories together that never leave me astray of nothing but smiles.
There were many nights while working since where I was not
very far at all my dad would roam over, an every time he would enter the store I’d
look down and say “really dad, no shoes”, you have come here so many times and
always each and every time I told you where your shoes are? You need to have them to be in here. Every time he did this I was not frustrated
but laughed at the fact that this man was walking around with no shoes, and
when I asked why he would say “well daughter it’s not like I’m going across
town, and do you know how much work it is to keep putting my shoes on and off
for such little distance I’m going?” Yes
that’s my dad I said to the others I worked with not caring at all what they
thought but only laughing about just how freely he was and how against rules he
always was. Than watching him like a
little kid stalk up with loads and loads of candies, smile at me as if to say “ha
I did it again and got what I wanted”.
It makes me smile to know that disobedient side he had lays in me from
time to time, but in his good disobedient way.
Then there was a time as a teenager I just had to have a
cool jean jacket, although I knew where this would be going knowing my dad
wanted to go to the mall with me and pay for what I wanted. For any teenager you all know how it is going
to the mall with your parents but that isn’t anything compared to going to the
mall with my dad? As we walk through the
mall browsing store after store my dad wanting to stop to look at everything he
seen of course where as me I just wanted to go find my jacket and get out
knowing behind my dad there is always something that goes down lol. So in a store while looking for a jacket there’s
my dad trying on women’s clothes over his own yelling to me “daughter,
daughter, how does this look? As every
person in the store looked around to who exactly his daughter was I wanted to
run but playing his game laughing so hard there was no denying that it was me
who was the daughter he was calling for.
More and more shirts, jackets and yes shoes were tried on and every
moment he just had to keep yelling out to me for my opinion. You see not at all I was embarrassed, more of
me never laughed as much as I did at the free spirit he was and the fact that
he’d go to any circumstances to see me smile.
Then there was a night my dad decides to be superman to my
brother and me at the theatre, we went to the movies on an open night of a
movie we wanted to see and in fear my dad was determined to get us those
tickets without getting told “sold out”.
So my brother and I knowing where to go walked normally to the line
ahead while my dad is running like a mad man going up a flight of stairs
yelling at us “come onnnnnn you guys you’re going to miss it, they’re going to
be sold out”, as all this is going on there were so many of people looking at
us while my brother and I could not even speak because we were laughing so
hard, to get it out “dad the ticket booth is here where are you going?” He actually fought with us and determined
that no we were not at the right place, yelling at us as people looked to us as
if we were some crazy people but wow that moment is always a memory that comes
up and makes us laugh just as much as it did on that day.
The most important part of all this to me is that no matter
how hard it was for my father and I that still in my heart were the greatest of
memories. That no matter how hard it was
for us to see eye to eye or even be in the presence of one another there were
still so many of loving, memorable treasures to carry me through my hard times
and that will always will from now and
always. I smile in knowing that no
matter how hard of a relationship you have with someone there is always the
most greatest of memories to fill your whole being with, no matter how hard or
how bad the relationship felt those treasure of memories are there to be with
you in your heart and remind just how not horrible you seemed to think it
was. It is those memories you hold deep
in your heart to carry that person with you through the life you live and to
hold you up through the hardest of your days.
It keeps them alive each and every time you remember and smile of those
memories. These memories are not even
half of what I hold in my heart, so knowing just how blinded by anger,
resentment, and grudges we can be if we do not let go of it all to forgive we
will never be able to see the actual beauty that was with us in that
relationship.
You see when someone close to you passes but in that relationship
was so much hardship it doesn’t matter because no matter what you can find the
greatest of memories you had with that person, letting go and forgiving will
lead you home to love, your heart will open to feel that love to know it was
there all along just covered by such unforgiving anger, through it in you there
is always a way to see that love of the person you lost that was so distant yet
so close because the memories of such greatness comes back to you over flowing
into your mind, heart and soul. I smile
in knowing that the bad that I felt were just my own wall up against the
memories of love that we had made even through toughest of times. Right now and to the days forward I get to
understand to take in all of my dad fully, into my heart, body and soul to understand
it was not as bad as I felt it was, that in his memory lays so many of most
amazing times together, even if some of those memories got us in trouble it is
still memories that fill my heart with all of his being.
NOTE TO ALL: A
relationship that may seem of a strain to our all may not at all be how we
perceive it to be due to the blinders we let invade our sight, and the resentment
that we let build a wall for nothing to get through. In my pain I’ve found the blessings, I am so
proud to be my father’s child, and so proud of the lessons he has brought
straight to my heart. Not for a second I
doubt that he never ever stopped loving me because in my memories are a love of
the greatest.
The path my father has turned me on is a path no words will
ever describe and where it leads me will be a dream even bigger that I could of
ever imagined. The two most important
men that I have lost have come to be the most influential people in my life
that lead me to a path so bright my heart beams as bright as the sun. Thank you dad and thank you my love of my
life Jean-Guy for making me open up to the life as it should be, bright,
beautiful, full of love and joy, a place where I know I am making a difference to this world for the
better.
You and only you are the one that puts the barriers up to
those that want to come into your world, to the ones you thought brought so
much pain to your heart are only how you claim it to be. No matter how hard of the relationship is if
that person is a significant person to your life there will always be memories
in you of them full of love, you just have to let go of the barriers to see
those memories, to know yes there was love, that yes they loved you. You are the barrier to the love that you let
into your life, if guided by negativity never will you be able to open your
heart to see the good of that life that was so special to your life.
Yup this is the song my dad rocked it out to, I remember it like it was yesterday and the look on his face as though he was McJagger singing, one bad @$$ dude.
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