When a change comes into your world full of shock,
devastation and of great pain shattering all you are, all you have, all your
dreams it’s as though you wait for your eyes to open to see that it just was
really a dream. Two years ago this was
my nightmare that to my surprise was no dream, I can’t explain enough how
shattered your whole life comes to many little pieces laying around all over you
as you look to those little pieces to see in each of them a future of what was
supposed to of been. You look to each
piece as your tears never seem to find the way to stop from hitting rock bottom
to where you soon you feel you are. When
I say two years it seems it is long yet in me and my heart it feels like as
though just yesterday and the sting of the realisation of what was never ever
leaves me, especially on days that are of special significance to the greatest
of love lost. As those days approach
there is no way of knowing just exactly how it will approach you to be and feel,
there is no amount of preparation to make sure the impact won’t be as hard as
it was last year, it is never of the same.
This today I know because it is definitely not how I thought I’d be, but
also know that to understand it is ok to miss, to cry, to take time in silence,
to just take in the day fully to be gentle to you and all the love around you.
Today my husband passed he would be sixty-four, to know to
honor his life and fill my heart of our greatest of memories is what should be
but at the same time I know the tears will fall and the pain will sting for
just a little while throughout this day.
It is better to your soul you walk through whatever the day brings to
you to ignore and act as though nothing is there, to walk through is to honor
your love for the other, to walk through is going through the hard work of
grief that your life will forever feel.
In it lays your little pieces of strength, knowledge, love, things of
lessons that are new, things to be of great significance to you and your heart and
the life you are building to a new now.
To forever deny your grief is to forever deny your life of growth, to
signs, to blessings, to see what it is you’ve done to come so far from the day
you felt there was no possible way to ever be where you are now. Honoring my husband’s love I smile in the so
many of special blessings, love, joy and wondrous of things he’s brought to my
life now.
The weather is gloomy and rainy here today but his love in
me is all the sunshine I need, even the weather tells me a story of how the
wondrous of love and life was taken away here on earth that it is crying for
lives of so many that lost a man that was of the greatest unconditional love to
so many people who still remain standing without that person in the flesh. Today is a reminder that I reflect on all
that I was and that I’ve become because of my husband passed. Our daughter the most is always a remembrance
of that great love that will always be in us around us and watching every step
we make, all of her is a vision of her dad and our huge love never to be cut
from us all. That line of love will
always remain. To bare a smile today is
the most challenging of things to do but remembering our moments and love of
the strongest brings me that smile I feel is so far away, the love around me I
want to push away goes nowhere because that love is true love that never
abandons you through every day of your life, the ones that stuck by you that
truly touched your heart on any days, good, bad, it is just there to be the
push you need to keep walking through it all.
You as a person have not changed, the future that you
planned on has an to know that it is not a new future you ever wanted or still
may not want it is still yours to own, an giving up is not the option. I know in my heart I was stuck in the moving
forward part but know now what a miracle of so many blessings that I have made
the baby steps through it all, to pick out the beauty no matter how hard it was
to see. You see we don’t ever lose grief
or get rid of it we learn to put it in a special place to live with it and
understand our hearts recognise that and accept but accept to know the pain
never stands with you for long it is the love of those we lost that stands with
us to touch our hearts to see the beauty of what is. I am strong, I am walking through grief, I am
meaningful to this world, I am making a difference to the lessons learned, I am
strong enough, I am worth it, I am still full of the love of the unconditional
that never leaves, I am God’s love, I am prayer, I AM worthy, I am moving into
light, I am and can move forward to make all in my heart become my reality, I
am a reason here in this world full of purpose.
Say all of that you feel of I AM’S so the universe will hear you and
send each I AM back to you and your life.
I am going to be the person my loved one passed knew I could be.
It frustrates me to see that many believe their life has
ended, that they can’t go on because it is not true, far from the truth and
something each and every one of our loved ones passed would not want you to be,
feel nor do. That no matter how long it
takes it is in you to build to a new, to accept the change and find happiness
in you, that the blessings of that love and beauty are all around you to give
the most powerful of strength to take you to places you thought you would never
go. In all of me I see so many, too many
of people talk of it’s over, I’m staying stuck in time because the life I
wanted is no longer, that life may be no longer but your life is here an because
you are here you are here for a very important meaning, those you have lost
that make you feel because it is not of the future you vision does not mean
that it is still not something you can’t have, in each new you walk through the
love of their soul walks along side of you directing you to all of where you
need to go. Giving up? If you feel this way you truly are giving up
on that unconditional love you carry and your life was blessed to you
with.
Yes I’ve been in those darkest of moments, I’ve felt all was
over, yet I also found the way to rise above that through our love and the
grace of God to know to give up on you is to give up on a life needed in this
world, that you are of worthy to be the person you felt you wanted to be even
when your loved one passed was here on earth, that to be not seen only means
now you feel them and know through them where ever they may be is the force in
all we take steps to achieve that where they are now they will never leave you
astray, behind or forgotten, they watch over you, they give signs, if anyone in
this world it is there guidance that is a force to never be reckoned with on
the path they see you building to. This
is not any hooky poky talk; this actually has been lived and seen and still
happening. When your loved ones passed
leave they are not gone their gift now lays in a piece of you, to find the way
to keep their purpose along with yours combined moving forward and using it to
build life in a higher, bigger way than before.
Honor them and honor their gift to this world.
So many of significance of beautiful blessings have moved
into my life while the breaks of pain happened little by little that I see my
silver linings in each and every break of pain, those silver linings are for
you to see and know in your heart are there for a reason, that one after
another is all belief your heart needs to see to understand they are with you
for a reason. I’m not writing this blog
to make people feel as though it is easy because it is the farthest away from
ever being easy, that these things just fall in your lap, but all of it is
there for you to grab on to and strongly take steps each day to become whatever
it is your heart is speaking to you to do and be. All I know that through the toughest of pain
and brokenness of my life I’ve found the wings that once were broken have just
to my own sight seemed to be of broken each time I looked back with sad eyes
full of tears, but in the breaks in pain one time you will look back to see
nothing was ever broken it was in a stand still waiting for you to see that it
was not broken just standing still in your tears and pain.
Who do you think hears and knows of your pain backed by the
loved one passed? A force to touch
your heart alongside the love you lost, who is it you think is backing that
unconditional love you lost? That knows
it was because of him you were touched by that special love? God, he was the one that sent that person you
lost in your life for reasons you start to see so clearly, feelings you feel so
strongly, that you know it is of never no coincidence things align in your life
are not just of coincidence, but aligned by the power of God backed with the
love of your life. Every night I pray, I
pray to God, I pray to my husband passed, things prayed for may not be in the
way you see should be but happen in a way even bigger than what you have prayed
deep within your heart and soul. If you
are consumed in stand still motion you will never ever see the little too
biggest of achievements you made in your grief.
Like last year as I walked through a crowd of people looking around to
see everything decorated of Christmas to feel in my heart this year my heart
was full of excitement, my whole being smiled in knowing this year I was
embracing Christmas and all of what the meaning was. I will never forget that day instead of
feeling the loss I felt the joy of Christmas spirit that would have never been
if my attitude was in standing still motion of darkness and pain.
It’s not in the biggest of things your heart celebrates it’s
in the smallest of things that brings in the biggest of things your heart
rejoices and lets all of you know just how far you have come and the beautiful
person you are becoming on your own two feet, that you chose to break that
standing still motion to be more than you ever thought you could be by the
silver linings you grab each and every time you smile, your heart smiles, your
soul shines. Nope not going to tell a
story of how easy it is, because grieving is far from that but once you take
that first step you leave the prisoner of grief in the past, that you fight so
much through it the strength in you tells stories to your heart that not
anything you feel to be is ever hard for you to become. That thing that you seemed to be so hard
automatically becomes the easiest and that to every grieving soul is a gift to
honor that love that you lost. If not
for grieving those silver linings that surrounded you invisible every day would
have never been seen. My husband passed
leaving this world shattered me, and some days still does yet as I stand back
up I know around me there will forever be blessings of his love, blessings of
God to know in it I got back up with that love that it is there if you let it
in.
Today Jean-Guy is sixty-four, as soon as I awoke I knew that
it would not be an easy day, yet also knew that no matter what day it be his
love be strong around me to lift me through the toughest of times an wipe my
tears that fell from my cheeks in knowing our love never ever left, that in
that love dreams have been built, that to see me hurt only would mean that our
love was pain, that our love was love that pain had nothing to do with the
glorious of life we had together so why let the pain ruin that glorious of life
to remember the feeling it gave to me in that time to feel all of it now, tears
are ok to let out but to not let those tears consume you is the challenge you
will always face. So like each year I
fell down but not too long after I found my ways to get back up, I kind of like
the falling down because in it as you rise you bring with you more and more of
strength in you that you never had before, the more things you realise as you
fall down you gather as you stand.
Strongly look in your heart while down to see the thing that brings you
that sorrow is once was the one thing that brought the happiest to your life,
remembering that will always remind you that darkness has no room in that love
that you shared to stand up and go play in that’s loves brightness. Face each fear that comes your way because in
it is your light, your growth and a present to you wrapped in fear that belongs
to you and who you are becoming.
Remembering our first date I remember it was a beautiful
warm day and at a coffee shop we first started our connection was where I
waited for him with other regulars sitting around me that I knew. It was three hours later of the time he was
supposed to be there, most would of got up and walked away but I sat knowing in
my heart there was not anything to of kept him from being there when he should of,
that in my heart I knew he was a part of my life not knowing how great of
significance he would be but knowing something in him reached out to my heart
letting me know he was meant to be in my life, to leave would never ever been known.
As I seen a car turn into the coffee shop I smiled in
knowing it was him and just knew deep down there was not anything that would
have not made him show up. As he walked
in to look at me he smiled as he always did making my inside explode so full of
butterflies and the feeling of great excitement, the kind of excitement you
feel when you miss someone so much that has been gone for a long time an you
see after all the time in between. He
walked to me baring the look of feeling sorry and being afraid both at the same
time in disbelief that there I was still sitting after all this time and could
not believe I did not leave after all that time. He explained to me after work he laid down
fell asleep but when he woke he hurried to just by chance to see if I was there,
he did not just let it go he actually came to see by a big chance if I would
still be there. I smiled and told him that “it didn’t matter that it is all worth it now”.
Everyone around us smiled in as if they felt what it was
that we both were feeling sitting and smiling at one another being so full of
joy that here we both sat, that time didn’t ruin my thought’s that my heart
told me to not leave and know it would be.
We left to go for a ride, it didn’t matter that it was too late to do
anything all that mattered is we were together and our first date was on the
horizon to a lifetime of many first dates, this was the beginning of a life
that held a future so bright and full of the wondrous of love that not anything
could take that away from us, even here after your gone nothing has taken our
memories of the greatest life we had or the unconditional love that filled that
life, it still all lays in me, around me and all places I go.
Our first date I knew what my heart felt, and that was the
day I once laughed at the saying “love at first sight” but got a strong
teaching that it was just not no saying that it was life, that it was possible
to be. Our first date may have not been
that dream I vision it be but the life that grew after was more than the dream
I ever had vision. From that day forward
I remember how every day that went by I felt that exact same feeling on our
first date as I seen you pull in our drive way for the first time seeing you
for the first time of the day every day.
I don’t put him on a pedestal, I just know that even in bad times our
love carried us through the hard work to keep us going, to keep that feeling
there and smile in knowing every good and bad was worth it and worth more to me
than anything in this entire world. I’d
change nothing if I could back even though I know what I know now. Your love,
your life, your lessons, your building me to grow to who I needed to be, all of
you is what was meant to be in the life that crossed paths with mine
intertwined to make the beautifulness of a life that what was that what still
is. That’s where we truly have to
understand to love is to also bare the pain of loss, that not anything is ever
our own to keep, that sometimes just sometimes life bares pain in the strongest
of love because all of us are not here forever and never get guarantees but to
accept that love is what is supposed to be, that to live without love is to
never live at all.
Happy Birthday Jean-Guy I know you feel the love of our
unconditional love where ever you are and to so many of things that have
happened in my life I do know it is of you and the getting back up that keeps
me stepping forward in the direction of life that is meant for me to be. I know you touch our daughter’s heart in her
times of missing you because through those moments her smile always makes it
back to her beautiful little face, that through me you work your love, I’m
proud to be the one to represent you and our love each and every time it is
called upon. You are my fairy-tale, no
matter not seen it still is, sometimes just sometimes fairy-tales don’t seem to
have a good ending but in this one it may not be seen but always felt. You were my miracle, my magic, your love
graced my heart to open all of me to the wholeness I needed to get to and to
be.
NOTE TO ALL: On
special of days it is up to us all to take that day with full force, to walk
through and be of remembrance, smiles of memories, to honor who it was they
meant to us and who they were when they were here. To realise because of them we had love, we
realised love of the greatest ever in this world can be, that their love never
leaves us, that in the unseen it is still around, it is in us, and everyone
that knew of the person we lost. To take
the time we need through the day to find that feeling they brought to our
world, our smile, our love of the strongest, and the memories that carry with
us that carry them with us through all we go through. That standing still in time not wanting to
feel that day is to be a prisoner of the love that filled your world that still
fills your world. To understand the
tears that fill our eyes will always fall in a perfect heart of an invisible
heart, that those tears won’t fall forever it is just your heart telling you it
misses that love the same way you do.
To go on not walking through grief is denial to you, growth
to you, growth to your soul, growth to the brightest of life that is to
be. Look up to smile in knowing you are
backed with the wondrous of what was and what is still UNCONDITIONA LOVE. They know what you are going through, they
feel what you feel, they know where your wildest dreams lay and will forever
keep directing you to those dreams if you allow your all to open truly to see
it all. Jean-Guy I do know the path is
long but you are close to me making sure if I turn the wrong way you so gently
guide me back to the way I am supposed to go.
Pray, pray to God he gives you strength, pray to God you find your way,
because praying is powerful to you, to standing in the love of God rather than
against because all of who you want to be in life first starts there guided by
the love you lost.
I am Proud still to this day to be Tonya Ouimet, and still
with his last name because forever and always I will forever be his wife no
matter if he is not here, because in my heart he is there. Ouimet girls he would always tell my daughter
and me “we’re some tough cookies”, and he sure seen through we to know of what
he spoke of.
FOREVER LOVED AND WITH US:
Jean-Guy Ouimet ~ October 21st 1950 - May 9 2011 ~
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