Anxiety Does Not Discriminate

Coming from a very personal part of our life and as I say "our" I mean my daughter and I, as I say "our" it disheartens me to even have to include my little girl in that one word.  Usually in that just one word usually comes a story of happiness, smiles, something that excites your whole being as well as lightening the room. 

However this "our" is a "our" that may seem at times to put a frown on your face, or a time you may feel sad or sorry for what you read, that is not at all as I see it nor want you to.  I share my emotions and rollercoaster post in hopes to come out of this strong and a beacon of light shed to others to understand and learn whatever they can out of this all.  I say it proud to touch hearts to be bold and let all know this is not a subject no longer to be silent about, to be embarrassed about, to feel you are left in back of the shadows in darkness afraid to come out. 

I do know myself it was frightening, it was embarrassing, I felt alone, ashamed, all feelings that should never touch a person suffering due to "society", or "societies" view of what you deal with on a daily basis looking and feeling to it as though a weakness.  I come from a very strong line of beautiful ladies who all dealt with this sickness, not one time have I seen all these women as weakness due to what they bared in their own darkness due to the fact of what others feel of the problem that affects so many but stay alone in the dark afraid to come out into the light to understand what they go through strengthens them, ignoring the opinion of society or what others may feel or say. 

So the elephant in the room that name has been nameless is called "Anxiety".  Have you rolled your eyes?  Have you immediately stopped reading?  Have you heard a little voice in your head saying "yea right that is not a sickness?  not a "real" problem, issue, health condition?  Well nae Sayers out there sorry to be so blunt but there are as of any other issues their are those out there that do feel certain ways towards real issues simply because they have not encountered what someone is and has gone through, simply just because of that there are so many that suffer in silence due to being looked at as " odd, selfless, weak, made up problem", simply just different"   and those uneducated are those that keep many in their darkness in the time they need light, hope, love. 

I blog of this now because it hit close to home, very close to home, I type this in hopes for others to give up the darkness, embarrassment, being afraid to come out and own their strength that so many believe is a weakness.  Two years after my husband had passed I struggled in shame and stayed in my darkness due to the view and shadiness of opinions and societies views not wanting to say a word to a soul as I lay so many nights as well as days feeling as though I may die, the panic that invades your whole being leaving you feel afraid so afraid you are crippled to the regular littlest things you need and use to do in life.  Going outside, it literally rips you of everything you felt so confident of doing before leaving you breathless as you lay in the tears of fear of "why is this happening?  Am I dying?  Am I the only one?  you just want answers but you get none as you lay in a world that resides of just you as you hide all that you go through from the eyes of others in utter shame. 

I was lucky as others right now still reside in that alone world I stood strong after a long year battle of not being able to do this alone on my own and started speaking out loud, I started seeking the love I so dearly needed, prayers, as well as answers to what was happening in my life, in my mind, in my body that I have never felt before.  I came out of that world I resided alone with confidence that I was not the only one that felt or went through all that was happening, just as I was never alone nor the only one that suffered with grief.  You see it has taken me three years to post this out there for all to see but as I look around to so many it breaks my being to keep quiet in knowing so many are suffering. 

Have you ever looked to the list that seems endless to the symptoms of anxiety?  you should because its here and its real and it is not to make others feel as though they need to feel ashamed and suffer alone, or even worse take their lives due to the over bearing emotions you feel you may never escape.  Its easy to understand going through your whole life hearing of stories but not being able to identify and shrug it off as someone wanting to seek attention, or figment of their imagination but never say that cannot happen to you and understand even though not been in that persons shoes it is a problem rising all over this world, it is a health issue, it is debilitating and all that on its own is enough for a person to bare along with feeling will be hackled or shunned upon or looked at differently or weak, that is just a few to name as a person suffers the issues that keep them secluded from the life they cannot live, that they feel cannot be lived along with not having support that they need due to not wanting to be shamed coming out and seeking help. 

Again I fall a victim to the shame and embarrassment of what others may say as I once again had to deal with this issue anxiety as it invaded my little girls life.  I cry in knowing as a person who so closely aware of the sickness felt so ashamed to come out and see it in my girl, I seen the signs, the symptoms and kept telling myself "no way it can't be happening to her she is so young, what will other people think?, will they see me as a bad mom?, will they shun upon her and feel as though this is a weakness in a young child that really is not an issue to be dealt with"?    As I struggled knowing she to was in that world alone I stood strong knowing so deeply of the issue that I stood strong for her and reached for her hand as well as help that was needed knowing deeply in my heart that my little girl will not ever feel alone or different for what she was going through, that no matter what she was strong and the person she has always been, that this was a cross road in our life we would get through yet again. 

So I say to everyone anxiety is REAL it is a health issue it an issue in so many lives.   So next time you feel its all just "in your head illusion" or seeking out for attention kind of thing in someone IT IS NOT, it is real and it may be the person you are sitting next to or the person you walk past on the street.  Anxiety leaves a person feeling alone, so lets not keep them there in a world in shadows of darkness and helpless, lets reach out and grab their hands knowing for every heart we touch many more will be reached. 

For me a couple of signs to look for, someone who withdraws all of a sudden from their life activities, simple things that they once use to do that you see no longer, a change in personality,  these two signs are the strongest in a person dealing with anxiety because it is so debilitating to you that things so small of what you use to do is something that you feel can never do again in fear of the symptoms that come with out warning at any time no matter where ever you are.  Like simply going out on the porch of your home, getting the paper, smiling, that person you once saw no longer seen is a question you need to ask yourself "is that person ok?"  ask yourself what or why you no longer see them doing what they have done every day before now. 

I to this day still thrive in understanding I am not any less of a person I was before this and now as a mother look to my little girl to gain my strength to show her it is not a burden, it does not make us less than anything at all it is something we will walk through, get through together, it is not weakness it is strengthen us more and more as we pave our way.  Sometimes I look to my little girl and cry yet at the same time I understand that this is not failure, this is something that will be faced and fought and shine a light so bright onto others that are in their own world alone in the dark to see the light and know it is nothing to feel ashamed of or as less of a person ever. 

This now that I think of it is a reason I believe in so strongly now than before the word HELLO, saying hello to everyone you walk by to everyone you see, cause now I know so deeply within that everyone may be fighting a battle you know nothing of, that simple word hello is just something that seems so small but something so huge to everyone fighting their battles of life. 

Parents do not look past the signs you feel in your gut are there simply because you are afraid or feel "how others will feel or see your child as"  be the light your child needs and strength they need until they to can come into their own light.  I say this with the strongest of knowledge when your gut tells you something is not right, do not ignore it, push it off or feel embarrassed of the situation deal with it head on right there right then.  We are the love our child looks up to, if we ignore them what do we show them to be to others?.  Anxiety does not discriminate against age.  Anxiety is real and exists, in adults, elderly it is ageless and race less and it is serious.

My daughter and I share "our" now not as something to cry about but a scar that be bared to the world in knowing it is "ours' to bare and share the light because baring our scars is shinning bright for others.  We now know "our" is not a sad story yet a story we strengthen every day and know is not an ending but a beginning to a chapter we will face together and continue to face together.  Through good times and bad anxiety holds no barriers on you once you stand strong and look it in the eye along with casting sunshine onto others dark clouds.

Things that may feel so far away but help you suffering with anxiety, making yourself get out because once you are out that FEAR of anxiety fades and you look around to YES YOU CAN do it, that you are ok that nothing bad is happening to you, that you are not in danger, being outside is the most invigorating step towards fighting the fear of your anxiety that more and more done you in time see YES I can and YES I will, that it does not have to hold me captive, you still feel those symptoms but they lighten, the more you see you can the more you understand you are not a prisoner.  Now you may say "YERA RIGHT" but something so little as well that is the greatest benefactor is BREATHING, deep breaths as you face your symptoms of fear slowly calm your whole being the more done the calm that comes within is a beauty of never before a conquer of all you thought could never feel again.  Just know that this is not a forever situation, that it is not a forever part of your life, in time you will become stronger and move forward baby step at a time.

You are INCREDIBLE show the world truly what you are scars and all

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Scars Are Beauty Marks

There once was a woman who hid of all who she thought would alienate her, talk bad of her, that cared who did not like her, that hid what she thought was her dark side in fear of being taunted, looked to as weak, different, not worth the time, then a light glowed so bright as she looked to her dark side to see it was a purpose, it was a light to cast onto others in their times of need in hopes others to would start to see the light, to see their dark side their beauty mark to advocate that it is not to be ashamed of, it is not to forever put yourself in silence.  Your work blessed upon you is to cast that light to as many people and lift them out of their silence to see themselves worthy and whole.

Lets not walk so lightly around things that people would never want a single person to know, why be in the quiet when you can be in the light shedding off a light to others to see they to should let their scars of beauty glow onto all others around the world to see it is not so embarrassing, it is not so hard, that the tongues of harsh words of others is worth so much more to help people who need to see that hiding and keeping quiet is no way to live your life.  Are you ashamed to be you?   are you ashamed to smile?, laugh?, live life to your best?   Than why be ashamed of scars that are nothing but your own personal beauty marks to help others see that theirs to are exactly the same nothing but beauty marks that glow with the love of a love beyond this world. 

  What is your story?  everyone has one, everyone has that one thing they keep on hidden inside, they hide behind their smiles in front of others to keep that one thing locked up like it is something to be ashamed of, in the mean time that one person your smiling at carries to a hidden pain so ashamed to let out that it just becomes a vicious circle of everyone putting on happy faces to blind side the one thing they never feel anyone should ever know.  I never thought I'd come to a point in my life I actually felt as though i'd be embarrassed of anything about me, because when I look to myself I see love, I see flaws, but no matter what,  I see someone living a life to the strongest of honesty and fullest that can be. 

 I think of the darkest moments where I should of been out of my mind but shockingly I had to go to a place of laughter, because laughter is the best medicine for any pain, struggles, frustration, negativity that tries to pull us in.  Now that I think back of the moment it actually is a treasure of a memory I will always carry with me, no matter how dark of a funny moment it was.  Will you look at me differently if told you I suffer from anxiety?  that I am in treatment for anxiety?  will you look at me differently if I just come to realization that I may be fighting Post Traumatic Stress?  that something that came through three years late losing my husband, something that has always been there, yet I felt the need again to keep it in and fight the battle on my own, to again come to reality to understand it is NOT a weakness in my character, who I am or life that I live. 

 It's not about seeing it as a flaw, it is about getting what you deserve to make it through the scars of your life to become through it, not around it, it's about owing it to yourself to open your heart and take that embarrassment out to replace it with light to help anyone you can that see's and knows "well if she can do it, than so can I", to that person showing others they to as well, until it becomes contagious and no one hides in suffering no longer, to the point where to the people that think without knowing that it truly is a debilitating state, that because of your smug ideas and antics many have been lost over something that could of well just been an enlightenment of weight off of so many shoulders. 

 However it does not matter what others may say or feel, it is you and only you is all that matters, cast away the voices of others and build to the life you dream you want, just because you go through what you go through it does not ever cripple you to holding onto and making your life, your dreams,  your reality to be.  In thirty-seven years never ever have I had this happen to me, you never think it could happen to you, that when it does you feel your weaker than others, that it is a hush hush deep secret you want no one to know about.  Many have been lost carrying that with them but to the people that are going through it are the light to make it come to an end and light up your lights with love for others to know they are not different, it is not a weakness and is not meant to be a secret.  

I think for me I look to someone so close to me to realize it was how open she was with her illness an got help with not a care in the world, with out a care of what others would do or say, seeing her do it with such class an being proud knowing it did not ever lesson the person she was an what she was going to be.  As surprised so many were she stood tall and never once felt any less of who she was or the person she was, your you, having to suffer from anything does not make you a marked outcast person, it does not change nothing of the person you have always been.  A whole new world entered my life the day I lost a part of me, at first I fought to play myself off as nothing was wrong, hiding from what would be, what others would say, feel, than understanding I am changing, but this does not rip ever who I am to a lower level of anyone else.

Has it changed my life since?  not in the least, I smile in knowing that I am still me, that I continue my life no different surrounded with love an great support, taking the time to take care of what I need yet living life as it has never changed, embarrassed?  no, hiding from?  no, feeling free, breathing in the beauty of all that is around, taking charge to all I want to be?  YES.  Proud Mother of a beautiful little girl I ever could have ever seen.  Crippled in the dark?  no, shining bright casting the light to anyone that can see, to see its all about shining not hiding. 

I remember a moment in time where I truly believe is a place everyone needs to find, where you come to a point while fighting hiding your problem so much to keep your sanity, to find the funny in the darkness no matter how in disbelief you feel you can't believe your laughing at such a thing.  As I sat outside trying to fight the battle going on inside of me, feeling at the end of my sanity, I thought it is either time to break or find my funny in this and find my light because of the embarrassment of others knowing was not going to bring me down, so to my funny I went.   I remembered the time shortly after losing my husband hiding the deep dark secret I was to afraid to admit, going to open the fridge, Mother watching and with a blink of an eye I broke down.

 Crying harder than I ever could, then turning a complete 360 started to laugh like I had just heard the funniest joke I ever heard, then seeing the expression on my mothers face of whether she should be horrified or laugh, looking at her just made me laugh more.  That was when I truly understood that sometimes the pain is so bad that you have to laugh, because as we all know "laughter is the best medicine", I still do not understand why that moment had happened but realize today just how vile it can be if you do not let out what you are so afraid to ask for "help".  That was the beginning of freeing what I so strongly was keeping a secret to myself and everyone else I thought would judge me for the problem that lingered for far too long in me.

Don't look to any problem you may have that becomes so hurtful to you that you need to ask for help as it is a weakness, or the opinions of others may be, do you, be proud, your still you it's just an obstacle to go through to find all your silver linings and blessings because in that ask "I need help" is the dance of dancing out beyond your fears and out beyond your fears is your rainbows of blessings an answers in shock of how something so painful becomes your bright light and empowerment to the world.  

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Needing Help is Brave an Strong

When your fighting your biggest of battles in life you feel you go to another side where you see no one, hear no one, and no one sees you or hears you.

There is a nothing but complete and utter black once you have lost who you are, once you no longer can see the light in and out of you, sometimes it takes so long to tell yourself over and over again that tomorrow is another day, that this way I am feeling is not permanent, that if I cannot make it on my own I need to stand strong for myself and get and admit I need help.  So many around by appearance you would never tell are suffering inside so badly that the world seems it has turned to total darkness, as if walking blind through your days and nights.  

This is also why so many feel the need to keep it in, try to put on a smile, showing others they are ok, due to wanting to get through on their own.  When you look to another as you pass them by do you see what they are on the inside?, can you see the pain?, saying hello with a smile just might save someone's life.  This I learned not so long ago.

That is just it so many in pain are passed by so quickly, to think that in their time they will be better, that they can do it, that the pain and suffering will make them stronger, help them grow, I see it as that, however when a person is so far gone under water touching rock bottom that light to knowing you can make it is not there, your mind is in complete dark that no thoughts reach you.  

Many believe that Depression/Anxiety/Panic Attacks/, are all something a person can on their own over come, that it is looked at as a weakness by some, the one suffering feels so consumed of embarrassing thoughts of what others believe that they continue to try to fight on their own not wanting to admit what they battle in fear of what society has made so many believe.

I see this because being at rock bottom I have seen the judgement of so many, telling you "you can do this, this is all in your head, you are strong", however how true it may be there are situations that are truly like a disease and like a disease it needs to be treated.  No one can understand it fully if they themselves have not felt it, lived it, been through it.  Being truly clinically depressed like any other disease it is a disease itself, not something to over look, judge or criticize.  It is because of so many nay Sayers people suffering stay in the dark, turn their back on life and take their life in their own hands.

If it is a rising problem today then it is not something to be looked to as a person's problem to deal with on their own, or to be over looked and back turned on.  Yes some can build back up to their light, to the light, yes you can tell yourself positive things, believe in positive things to lighten the pain, to make it back to the light of who you are. 

There will be falling down, going in circles, but feeling you need to reach out for help is not to ever feel you are weak, nor embarrassed.  I am glad to see so many addressing depression, yet still their is so much as we as a person and world need to do to strengthen the matter of depression and to shine a light to those who are in the dark to know they are loved, they are not weak, they are not trapped, they are not less than a person, their life is meaningful, that they are not different by what they are suffering.

I remember the day I needed to admit to myself I cannot do it on my own no more, I know I am not the me I use to be, it was so hard to admit that it took a year to finally feel strong enough to reach out and understand it was ok to ask for help and get help that I needed, that asking for help was the bravest, strongest thing you could ever do in life, not the weakest, embarrassing thing others may have seen it to be, it does not matter what others see all that matters is what your own eyes and heart see and know.  

That's the problem so many look for others consent and how they feel that they get caught up in knowing others do not make who they are as a person, it is you that makes you and what others see, say is none of your business.  Others do not define who you are, it is you and you alone through your eyes is all that matters, it is your life and how you see it and do it is all you will ever need to know.  I am truly saddened today to see such a precious gem in this world that made so many laugh, that shined so bright, that was very well known no longer here, to look at the laughter and smiles of this man like all we pass by you can never know truly what battle is happening to so many on the inside.  

When you have tried and tried to find you again but seem to not be able to get your smile back, to get out of darkness and feel in your heart something is not right, then it is your time to know that you are strong and you are brave to take the step forward to the light and say loud "I need help" and say it proud, no one is perfect, life is not perfect, we are not what others feel or say who we are, we are human and all have obstacles to deal with whether from easy to the hardest, this is our life and lets be the best person we can be no matter what lays in our way, there is always a way out of dark just say the words and reach for the light of another hand to pull you up in your most trying time of need.  Your dream of who you want to be, to become, to do, is not ever dulled by the pain and suffering you can not shake on your own.

Depression and Suicide

Depression is involved in more than two-thirds of the 30,000 suicides that occur in the United States every year. For every two homicides, there are three suicides. "Elderly men may feel especially hopeless when their bodies break down with illness because it can destroy their sense of masculinity," says Lieberman. That may be why the highest suicide rate among Americans is in white men who are 85 or older, many of whom may have a depressive illness.

So what do all these depression statistics tell us about Americans with depression? Perhaps the key take-away is that depression is a powerful condition affecting many. If you have symptoms of depression, you are not alone and help is available. The earlier you start treatment, the more likely you are to get a handle on the condition. The best defense against depression may very well be knowledge and awareness.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/health-report/major-depression/depression-statistics.aspx

Be the light for everyone you know, see, walk past, just let them know they are seen and they matter, for being put here and living another day is the answer to all you need to know, you matter, you are special, you have a gift and purpose to be here today, what ever it may be means nothing of what others may see or feel about you and your purpose, you are the one to live your life and become who you truly believe to be.  In hopes that all hearts in pain and suffering find the light and no longer suffer and feel alone no more, all life is precious and should be treated as a precious gift shinning bright no matter how you may feel on the inside.  I want everyone to know the gem that they are and use that to reach out to anyone that they can.

I pray for the peace of mind of everyone who feel they cannot ask for help to be blessed with love to know they CAN ask for help and feel proud and strong that they do.  Mask the negativity of those that may fear others to get help and turn their hearts into light and shut off the negativity of others they give off.

P.S I today suffer from anxiety but know that it does not define me and my purpose and dreams in life, that the day I reached for a hand was the day I shined even brighter for myself and for others to see that they to can do the same with out feeling any less than what they are, or as though their life is any less important by others who do not suffer with what you do.  That you are strong, that you have gotten back up, that all your dreams, purpose and love never dulls or is defined by what so many look to as a weakness in character, you are not what others believe you are, and most definitely not your business what others say or do about you.  That one quote is a quote I always tell myself "what others say or do about you is none of your business ~Deepak Chopra ~

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