It was a usual everyday kind of day, routine alarm piercing your ear with the refusal of not wanting to wake, the tiredness that takes over your whole being of wanting to just stay and be warm under your comfort zone of blankets, the sound of a child not happy as well as having to wake to start a new day at school. Chaos creeks in taking your breath away as you fly around to do all that is needed to get out the door to be on time. Have you ever felt as though mornings need to be slowed down?, that perhaps one day it be nice to be in slow motion and enjoy being grateful for given another day?
Today was a marking point for me but through out this day it never once occurred to me or was realized, even after all the chaos still in my silence this marking point in my life was not recalled as I sat and enjoyed the morning in silence listening to all noises around me and the sunlight beaming warmly off my cheeks. Perhaps that was it, really I do not know what fogged me this day to not remembering, the beauty of peace, the chaos all questions I recall and cannot be answered. I sat there though, I sat there knowing surrounded by all natures beauty your love was with me in every part I looked yet still I sat unaware of this day, the day every month that I use to know was here, the day of the time that ripped all of me open over and over again, however today was not that way.
So the day unrecognized was the five year marker since you left this world to become our angel forever with us in silence. I gasped as I could not believe that on this day not once did it occur to me that it has been five years, feeling guilty I shed tears yet I believe that you come fully into a person that for so long suffered in remembering the bad you take that part away to remember the greatest memories, that in your whole being in time day by day you come to a part of you that remembering the special days, the special memories that you understand for the person you start to fully live for them and yourself to let go of the pain, you remember them as you always wanted to full of love and smiles, that on the year to year marks you start to come into a person who fully understands it is not about losing its about seeing that love in you and around you.
For me I truly believe you start to evolve in living for not only yourself but for the ones you lost, that in some point in your grieving you evolve into this magical person who stands strong and understands to not dwell on the bad to celebrate the love and even though on that day of another year passed you may forgot for a little of what it was that happened that day you look around to feel love, so don't feel guilty, don't cry in sadness know that it is all of you evolving to the person your loved one wants to see you as "Happy", living life for them as they reside in you and love resides all around you.
I actual sigh in relief that I understand on the yearly markers that the pain don't lead me our love and greatest memories do shinning bright down on me and in my heart. So as the chaos of morning started unknowingly I slowed myself down without realizing it was the day you left us. I sat in peace and love and beautiful sunlight as though that was your gift shinning down to me not realizing or thinking of any pain of that dreadful day just sitting and taking in the world and all its love.
After an amount of time we as a person become evolved in our emotions and knowledge of just what it was and what we need to do that these times become bitter sweet to us, that we may not dwell on it but instead we bask ourselves in life for the ones we lost.
That day I remember the bluest of sky, the warmth of the sun, the butterflies flying above my front lawn, the robins bathing in the grass, all beauty that touched my all with nothing but pure love, the love that has been blessed upon me by my husband passed, all of what I felt that day is how I felt everyday in our love, to me that was a special gift that day, a day that I may have forgotten but a gift of beauty that put a smile on my face as though it was meant to be that way.
As I walked home from getting our little girl off to school after the chaos of morning routine, still unknown of the five year marker I looked up and remember seeing the fluffiest white cloud I have ever seen and smiled, walking more all natures life that morning felt more vibrant more outstanding than ever before, so as I sat later remembering what day it was as I felt guilty I remembered the day and just how different it was in a beautiful way. To me that was a sign that it was definitely meant to be that way, a celebration of love, a love so strong that nature even recognized it.
Yes the missing of the person is there but the love around you is stronger leading you to know that even though not seen that person you love so much will always remind you they are all around you. That in a moment of time of need you are gifted to so much love all around you as a gift to you saying today may of been forgotten to tell you to just stop counting and live, live for you, live for me and see me all around you in everything you see, and know that love is always with you no matter what you forget, that the best memories are the good memories and that all that matters most.
So I say look up, breath and close your eyes to know all around you everything in nature dances full of your love, that in all that is your love.
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