As I sit here looking to the clouds on a gloomy day I cannot help but to feel exactly how the gloomy day resides with no sun, yet as I look up in wonder of why, I understand that for every end is making room for a new beginning for your life to evolve and bring in more growth, strength and light, things you thought of are making room to come into your life.
As painful, hurtful and suffocating you feel now you have to feel that, get through it, take your heart that was broke into pieces yet again to know and trust as so many times before the pieces will soon enough come back together. As a widow I truly understand what it is like to have your world taken completely from you, the future you saw becomes blank. However this time it is a heartbreak of a difference, a heartbreak of a relationship you thought would be the one, that brought a smile to your face and open heart that you thought could never be again.
The pain is real, the tears and hopelessness fill your whole being in wanting to know why?? I opened my heart unexpectedly never thinking that again this could be, I loved fully yet here we are at an end, in my whole being I do not want to let go, I do not want this to be the outcome, am I holding on so tightly due to the pain I know takes over your whole world? am I holding on to tight because I thought he was the one, the one who opened my heart fully after thinking I could never again?
I walk around endlessly with thoughts, memories, laughter, tears thinking of how we were, how he so surprisingly entered my life. As a widow I do believe letting another in is a big step in the life we lost and thought could never again, or is it just simply a human reaction of a heartache of a broken relationship? I could not move, I could not see the light of the next day, I could not stop the pain, the tears, the darkness, I simply lay feeling I could not move, feeling paralysed trying to understand why again do I have to be part of the pain that sucks all of everything you have out of you.
I prayed that I'd get strength to make it through this, that I would understand why I gave my all and to see that in the end it was a dead end. Than I started thinking to myself that what I have been through, I looked back to the pain I was so deeply berried in losing the love of my life to see who and what and where I am now, if that pain was so debilitating yet through it in my new beginning of starting over I have gained so much dreams, miracles, strength and love than perhaps once again this is the time to break to see that the end is just yet another new beginning.
He was the light of my life that took my breath away in knowing I could love again, now it is just simply taking my breath away in full decapitating hurt, yet just as all hurt, discomfort and endings it is time to look up, trust in knowing the end is actually the beginning of new coming in, that as much in love I had felt he may of been the lesson to my heart showing I can love and that it is time to know that I can and know people sometimes are blessed upon us for the greatest lessons but sometime do not stay in your life, just there to prove to you that you can do all that you thought you could never.
It is dark right now, the memories of us hurt and cut like a knife but I have to be strong in knowing the future is unknown and in this time its time to open my life to the new struggling to push in. It's a part of life we sacrifice to love, to love and have it end, to love and hurt yet to look to positive to fill your heart. Last night in the dark I lay in nothing but tears and pain but today I say thank you for this day, even though still heart broken thankful for the new day that is.
This loss may be different but once loss of a life of your one true love has happened the loss all over again is as though it opens wounds that have been healing. To the love of my life now my angel I pray to, also to God I pray in silence I let go of why to move to see what exactly will flourish in the new of the end. This will not stop me to close my heart, love is love and love for ourselves and love of another is what we can never deny only if it is for a little. Broken hearts have always a way to mend, that in time as just before you will look back to smile in all the beauty you have seen in the end that became a beginning for room for all new blessings to come in.
I miss him, I love him , he was my first after losing the love of my life so all over again he is my first love of love after death. I'll pray each and every day in time as soon as the darkness and tears fade I will see my new beginning, the blessings and light so bright it fills my all with warmth. For a widow to love again is a rebirth yet nothing is ever promised forever, as a widow opening up to love again we have to understand we have the strength of our true love with us and forever hugging our soul, leading us to love and more love that they are not ever there to see nor want us be in hurt and darkness.
It is different the guidance of their forever love for us sometimes may hurt us but through it we see their lessons, their direction, their reason. Also as a mother I do believe for her I have to be the strength to show her that we never ever give up and will always have the strength to get up over and over again. However as a widow we are still women, we are still human and a heartache is a heartache as it would be to someone who has never lost their true love to death.
I just think in it is a tad difference due to opening your heart again that thought could never do and yet to be heartbroken yet again in saying goodbye to the one you loved when you thought you never could of, but I say to that although it was ended in it you find "wow I can love again, differently but yes I can love again and feel happiness with another".
To the man who broke my heart well I say thank you, thank you for opening my heart, for letting me feel love I thought I'd never again, to him I will forever have a piece of my heart where he lays. For him I learned lessons of a lifetime, that to never ever give your all and believe a man is a reason to your happiness, that to never let someone have so much power over you that you feel you cannot live without them.
Bitter yet sweet is what I feel, tears still fall, darkness is around yet as before I will stare that in the eye to know this is my breaking to new beginnings of my life for better to come in, to become more and more of the person I need to become. I will not deny right now I am scared, scared to fail again, scared to be able to find another, yet at the same time I will look to the bright side to take time to love being by myself and love me and my own company.
I'll take my time to show my little girl heartache may be pain but in heartache lays pure love and opening of growth and all new to be too excited to feel that pain, to be excited to know in all endings as sad as it may be on the other side it is a blessing of growth and knowledge to you to know that there is not anything you cannot get through with the belief you can and will. To see in all change is discomfort but if forever run away from not wanting to feel it we will forever stay the same person trapped without growth, love, dreams and purpose. In every heart wrenching break lays the new waiting to heal your heart.
So to the man I loved and loved again after losing the love of my life thank you for proving to me you could never be that pain I once felt when my life was taken away from me and ended as I said goodbye to my one and only true love. Thank you for breaking me because in the break the shine will come through soon enough. Thank you for showing me I do not ever need to feel as I need a man to have so much power over me to feel I cannot live with out them. Thank you for showing me just how fierce, powerful and so full of love that I am, that I have so much love that not even you could break me in thinking I could never again.
Your Crap but in the best way possible, lessons, tears and knowledge no matter how much it stinks.
You Loved me back to life to see that I could love again, you were my lesson not my life and that to all LOVE can break you to stay broke or you choose it to make you.
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