Whats your Choice?

 

 



Imagine yourself in a room where it is pitch black; you can’t even see your own hand in front of yourself.  Imagine you are trying so hard to see but all you feel as well as see is black, dark, the door to get out is locked.   The sunlight never comes, no light around to see in every way you look.  Picture being in this place every single day, waking up, going to sleep, each and every day it never changes.   Starts thinking to you how long can a person actually go on each, every day like this?  There is a hard lesson in this to all that grieve, I felt it, I seen it, I been through it, some days it comes around still, creeping up with no sign in sight it is on its way.  However is it in the lesson of being able to turn that black to light a way to make the light appear sooner than later something you would want to do?  I’d like to think sooner than later most would want.

Hard lessons are usually the hardest to our hearts, the hardest in thinking it as though we are letting go of something precious if we choose the sooner than later choice.  For me I know very well it took me the longest to fully understand that in the sooner was how it should be, to my heart, to my soul it was in all of me I wanted to keep on to the later choice.  To so many the choice of sooner is as though it cannot be that it is not a choice that can be.   We all believe to hold on is to always keep what we loss close to us, yes it does but to be in total darkness is not where we should stay.  In it all the hardest lesson to all is sooner is what choice our loved ones passed want to see us choose, while so many believe to choose later is what is right, to feeling the pain of the loss is what needs to be to hold on to that great love we lost. 

This is so hard for me to type but in the hard conversations comes the love that is needed.   The dark room I describe some days still gets me, yet I know the sooner choice I choose will lead back in all the light I need.  The toughest thing in my grieving was this choice, this was the hardest lesson learned to my heart.  Going through life there are no promises, there are no guarantees.   Our choices are our own to make, the choices being made are creating the path we walk, so in the hardest of choices you can choose for life to start traveling down a different path than the path you would love to be on.   This is it this is our life to choose and no going back.  There are choices you make that can bring back on the path you want to be on yet wanting to be there must truly come from your heart.

 

 

I look around me to see so many stories of heartache, I hear over and over the pain, the sadness, the hurt, all of me feels it, yet as I look to that person I ask myself “has the choice been made?  Do they even know of the choice?  Are the feeling that it is where they need to be to honor the loss of their loved ones?”  The hardest part in your grief is the choices you have to make, in those choices lays great change, a feeling as though you are letting go, the fact that you believe so much in what it is you are doing, that it all has to be the way it is, not knowing it’s in change as well as good choices you grow, you become you, I know that through all of that the pain deepens that no longer the life you seen has vanished, so staying where you are is kind of where your heart wants you to be in the feeling that holding on you can still see that life. 

 

For me this was the toughest of my choices I had ever had to make, to choose the sooner over the later.  In others eyes I may of seemed the love I had felt for my husband passed was not so if I choose the sooner.   I had to keep telling myself it is not about holding a shrine to our love is where it validated my love for him, that not wanting to feel the pain made our love any less than it was, to understand how others seen who I was is not important to my life, it didn’t make me who I am.  To choose the sooner, meaning to release the pain, release the hurt, letting in the light to move you forward, yet not letting go of the love as you move forward but placing it in a sacred place you take with you.  Yes pain in losing your loved ones is a pain that is like no other and easier said than done.  It is hard work to program your mind to understand that the pain is not the choice you make.  Every day is a huge struggle but little by little if you choose the sooner it comes to you, the darkness becomes less, the more you see it the easier it is to keep choosing it.

I often remind myself that some people may choose the later because now it is where they feel they need to be, that in their mind helping themselves is not an option.  Remember when you’re out there helping others that some people just don’t feel they need that help; they feel they don’t need that change.   I heard someone say “I give up; it hurts too much to try and feel better”, losing our love is not about it being easy but it is about knowing that our loved ones passed never want us to be in this life in darkness, to hold yourself hostage to what we feel is what holds them closer to us, to not forget.  When I see so many choosing the later I just want to scream but go deep within my heart to remember the exact day I was in that room, that it was not easy to get out of.  Our loved ones passed as well are disconnected from us in that darkness, our heart and soul cannot hear the whispers of our love if we block ourselves off of the bright light that seeks us.  We miss the beauty of the signs sent our way from loved ones passed in that darkness, so in reality choosing to be there doesn’t bring us closer it separates us from our loved ones passed.

Grief is not easy, that is not what I am saying, I am saying to choose the sooner than the later, to yes perhaps have a relapse back to the darkness but to pull out in you all of your strength to get back into the light that is all around if you allow it to be.  Being able to this I know is not easy, yet anything in this life is doable if only we are willing to do what is needed.   Darkness invades my days from time to time but that darkness knows by now that I chose the sooner, so as soon as it invades it escapes.  No one can be in that story I described the rest of their life, it is just all about choosing the sooner so soon enough you can start to find out that the pain is not what is needed to know you love your loved ones passed as much as you do.  It is to honor your loved ones passed by choosing the sooner so they too can send whispers as well as signs to you, your heart, your life, your soul.  It’s in the sooner they too can start being the guidance in the life where you are now.

Most may think to change is to forget or to let go, erase that from it all change is simply a part of life to get us to where we dreamed of, even if that place is to be with your loved ones passed it still will be you carry them with you through the change to that place you dreamed to be.  Pain is also a force field to any clear thinking you need in life to make healthy choices for you, your life, and your soul.   Pain is not where anyone should be in a constant every day place, it brings in negativity, it keeps you from finding positive anywhere you look.  To say well “ I can’t see positive because my loved one passed is gone, is to say “I don’t want my loved one pass to be close to me, to be in my heart, to be with me not seen but unseen”.   There is a difference to pain and grief, grief is to know you lost that unconditional love in flesh, that it carries with you all your life, pain is the negative that keeps you disconnected to that love.  To truly take in all of the love you shared, to fully take your loved ones passed all into you is closer than anything imagined, soul to soul, pain is to reject that. 

An elderly man across from me lost his wife he had been with a life time, as I watched him going on with his life, doing things every day, just truly living, smiling made me go over to him to ask him “your doing so well, well it seems to me that you are, what is it that makes you smile, to keep going on not staying in the pain of the loss?”  he simply answered “ I know she is not gone, that she is with me still that in my heart our love will always be, feeling sorry for losing her keeps my heart away from knowing she is there that in my heart is her space for our love not pain”.  He simply WOWED me, that is what all people in darkness need to know, need to remind themselves of each and every day, all the people that feel alone that feel afraid to step forward.   So many broken hearts are out there that it is not how life should be; it is unfair to know that so many suffer in silence.  This is all the more reason I feel in my heart to make an impact to the word grief, to those that grieve, to make the noise needed so others can move forward, step into the light that is there’s to own.  Making noise long enough will be seen and heard, baby steps by baby steps my noise will make its way out there.

 

 

The other night as I sat outside I looked up to the sky as I type this it is still hard for me to believe so I know as you read this it will be for you to.  I looked up to the sky to see this bright light like a bolt of energy moving so fast staying in same spot but moving back and forth, yes here we have the casino lights but I knew the difference, this bright ball of light was moving so quick it changed a couple times as though it got longer as it changed and got longer it turned to a beautiful bright blue, I stared up thinking to myself “yea something’s up with my vision, but remembered as I sat there it was memories of my husband passed I was thinking of, I smiled while I kept watching knowing if it was in The later I chose that this beautiful moment happening right now would of never been.   I also remember being in the backyard with my back to the backyard, in that moment I got the feeling someone was there, I turned to look really quick to see a tiny rabbit, a wild rabbit that came so close to me with no fear, thinking to myself usually bunnies never ever approach a person especially the wild ones, to know my husband passed is to know he LOVED animals, in that moment I smiled along with tears, yet tears of happiness.  So many of signs to note but not would have ever seen if I would of choose the later choice.

Yes this is the hardest choice in grief, yet life is not meant to be easy, it is also in the hardest of choices you will find the beautifulness of so many things waiting for you to find.  I do also know sometimes if you are in the toughest of your pain you could very well get a sign, that sign from your loved ones passed will be a sign that you just can’t put off as being something it is not, that is their way saying to you “HEY stop what you’re doing and choose the sooner choice”, I say this in knowing that it has happened to me.   Changing and choosing the sooner choice is like being reborn again, it breaks you open so fully that not anything feels out of your reach, you redesign your whole being to seeing things you never thought possible before, you take on nothing more than miracles that happen day by day.  You rebuild you yet the piece of you from before still remains, you start knowing what is most important to live the life you have always heard others talk of in pure bliss.  You take on the world in a whole brighter, different greater way.  Your narrowed vision expands to the whole vision of how it all should be.

 To think that in pain is where you truly show your loved ones passed that you love them is not how it is supposed to be, to think that holding a shrine forever in pain is where you can remember that love and them as well is not how it works, it is not what our loved ones passed need us to be.   ~ Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent rest stop.  ~Dodinsky ~ we must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.  ~Kenji Miyazawa  ~.   Take that shrine you hold in darkness to move into the light in a sacred place in you.  I’m not here to say that I am processing this better than anyone else, I am here to speak from my heart of things I noticed through the darkest of my days, I am here for my husband passed as his wings touched my soul to leave me with unconditional love to all that grieve.

 

NOTE TO ALL:  Choose the sooner because in the sooner lays the closest you can ever be to your loved ones passed, step forward into the light that waits for you, in the later too much time is wasted in pain that shields from the love of your loved ones passed for far too long.  So the hardest choice is to choose letting go of the pain, that not all at once it will leave, I know the pain always lingers it’s the choice to not stay in it due to feeling you need to.  Take the choice of sooner to know that it is all in the sooner you find pieces of amazingness that are of value to you progressing in grief, to noticing the little signs that it is getting different, in a good way.  AS I said before I know once consumed in pain the difficulties you have to fight back, it is sometime debilitating yet in us all the light we carry, the love we shared with our loved ones passed is always to our advantage to take that pain to make it put at ease.  All I say here is with love, from the heart and in the knowing what a true struggle it is every day to go through grief, to understand pain is not grief, to me pain is what keeps you stuck, grief is feeling and knowing the loss is there yet not letting the pain hold me hostage.  Grief carries with us always in reminder to what it was we lost, yet once you feel the pain that comes with feeling that loss is where you can get stuck, acknowledging it is there is half the battle.