As I talked about before in my story of my husband passed
today is one of those days that I find lots of memories going through my mind,
so tonight I decide to type out a memory of us.
For the last couple days our little girl has been talking as well as missing
her daddy, I know for me I still miss everything about us, our life, our home,
our future, and our dreams. As hard as
it may be you cannot shut off what your child is missing just as though you
miss as well. Yes through these last
couple days it is a moment where in all of you just shatter to see the same
look in your child’s eyes as you do in your own. It’s not about discarding those feelings they
have, as the same as when we feel the hurt, as hard as it may be it is you to
represent as a mother and the loved ones passed, it is up to you now to
represent the love that you lost to the child you bare. There is no magic button to make it go away,
no words to mend the hurt; you just gather your strength to find the way to
comfort their hearts that hurt from time to time as yours does as well. So for our little girl I remembered many
moments that her daddy had put the biggest smile on her face.
I looked to her to see right in her eyes to tell her “your
daddy loves you bigger than the sky” as he always would say, I told her “you cannot
see him but he is all around you, part of him is in her, that his love is
always with us, that now he is making sure both of us will be happy, that he will
always be with us unseen yet felt and known”.
So in those moments of memories I put a song on for us to sing to that
always put a smile on our faces, we sang, we danced.
I told her a story that to this day still makes me
understand just how great of love they both shared. The days of carrying her in my stomach he
was so excited every day for her to come into this world, I remember him always
saying “I know she wants out of there, she wants to be out here with us, that
the room she had was all taken up and he couldn’t wait for her to be here”. Through the days of carrying our little girl
my husband passed worked late hours, as I lay restless trying to get
comfortable in bed with this big belly in the morning hours of five am no
matter how comfortable I finally got and slept she would always rustle and
bustle so much in my belly around the same time, as though a party was
happening in my belly. In those hours of
finally getting comfortable and sleeping it was always the exact moment her
daddy come home from work, before hearing his voice it is as though she knew
that was the time he would be home. As
he held my belly the party in my belly became more, as if though she was
telling her daddy “I’m so excited your home, I missed you while you were gone”.
The smile and glow on his face was something money could
never buy, the pride along with love in his heart of the bond that was already
set was something words could never fully explain. Looking in his eyes I just knew this bond
glued with such love was beyond this world, today I know that to be true, where
ever he may be his exact love for his little girl remains all around her. A song that plays on the radio clicks with
our little girl about fire flies, when it comes on she always says it reminds
her of her daddy. She says they light up
the sky like her daddy does. In the
moment of her missing him telling me she misses him that song started to
play. She smiled so big, all this going
on the song, the talking of memories of her daddy, the dancing, the singing,
than the song playing was as though through it all we could feel his love
closer to us than ever.
In the memories I was telling her I could remember a moment
of her and her dad at night chasing fire flies all over the place so freely
with big smiles and no care in the world, that in those moments that was as
though they were in a place of great love, that nothing else around them was
there except love, fire flies and huge smiles, as each fire fly lit up my
daughter smiles along with laughed every time she saw the glow and jumped for
the clouds to touch them, her father right beside her looking to her like she
was the only person in the world in those moments. In that moment I remembered the song about
fire flies and understood she remembered that memory to connect it with the
song. Coincidence you think that in her
hurting moment of time that song played?
For me I say not at all, through the littlest of things lays the love of
messages of our loved ones passed, for her that was her moment of comfort, in
that moment for me more love than ever was felt, that in my heart I am not in
this alone, I represent us both, our love as family is there, my husband passed
may not be seen but his love will always be there for us in our time of
need. As fast as the hurt came on it was
eased with the love we all shared as a family even though one may be unseen.
Through the memories brings to life the love that is all
around us, in those moments I could feel our love stronger than ever holding us
together heart to heart, soul to soul. I
asked her after the fire fly story what else she could remember, she told me
she remembered the times she use to follow her daddy around wanting to play
with his tools, just as he did while working on cars, she remembered the countless
drives he took with her, for her, to get her a slurpee, her oh so many nights
of cravings to have that slurpee, her father each and every time never once no
matter what told her no. As she talked
of the memories my heart gleamed of nothing but love to know just how special
of a love we all had together as one, that even as small as she was those
memories were so vivid to her to this day making me understand just how
powerful of love can be. I looked to her
as she smiled telling me “even though I can’t see daddy I feel him with me when
I remember the best times we had together”.
So through the pain each as well as every time it occurs it is just as
fast it can be turned to a point of love, love is always the eraser to the pain
that lurks in our hearts from time to time.
That through it together there is always enough strength in you to get
through the moments our child feel the impact of grief, words spoken from the
heart bring out the strength of that love lost to life, not to be seen but felt
more and more through the memories you keep in the most sacred of places in
you.
So in the midst of the memories I looked to my little girl
to see in her eyes that special spark that had faded during the pain, that’s when
I knew another moment of grief was conquered through love. It may not ever be over but through the ties
of special love it will make it right, through our love it will make the hard
times lift to the sky, leaving us to breath, smile and remember in our hearts
just how strong our love is. So taking
the old to the new in that moment I held my little girls hand, went outside in
the rain, jumped in the puddles and chased those fire flies. It was in that moment you just knew in your
heart our loved one passed was right there beside us laughing, smiling, loving,
knowing in the moment was a new moment created from the love of the old
one.
After the puddles, the getting wet, we dried up and went to
a place that our daughter still loves, a place that is all SLURPEE, yes we sure
did we walked together watching the fire flies still to the store to get her
favourite, a good ole slurpee, in remembrance of her daddy and his forever love
for the apple of his eye, our beautiful little girl. Many would say don’t hold on to the past but
it’s different when you bring it forward to honor the great memories of love
that held on to you for so long, that stayed in the sacred place we put
them. It is through the pain you find
your ways to re-create all the things that has brought a smile to you as well as
your heart with your loved ones passed. Taking the old yet making it a new. Honor the memories to know in the re-creating
is where you bring to life that love to be at its strongest. In our hearts it will always be, in the pain
it is in our hearts we find our ways.
Embrace the pain because in it all is your silver lining to the love
that binds you all even though one may be no longer.
The memories are never ending; the love that carries those memories
is never ending. Our child lost just as
strongly as we did, making sure no matter how shattered you may feel that the
strength is always in your heart to embrace them to help them through what it
is you feel oh so many times in grief.
It’s not to be ignored they too have to face their grief or it will
linger to never be eased, it will forever cast a shadow if it goes unseen
leaving you forever in the pain. In our
hearts there will always be a way to find that pain to see the silver lining of
love in our hearts where we carry the love of our loved ones passed. No matter what, no matter where, the love
that you made shall always shine onto your pain to break the darkness it casts
over your heart. It's in the hard work you find your smile, life is not easy, no one ever said it was, Grief is of the hardest work you will ever know of, yet that work needs to be done, through it is pieces of your shattered being making you whole as you were just before the pain struck. It's the work that needs to be seen, it needs to be done, grief is never done so neither is our work. In that work is where you will find your strength, unconditional love, most of all it will be where you find that sparkle in your child's eyes even stronger than before. Embrace the work because in it is your blessings of life.
NOTE TO ALL: Grief is
like a ball of string, you start at one end and wind. Then the ball slips
through your fingers and rolls across the floor. Some of your work is undone
but not all. You pick it up and start over again, but you never have to begin
again at the end of the string. The ball never completely unwinds. You’ve made
some progress. -Author Unknown ~
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