I want to truly go with my heart always and right now right
here my heart is feeling so much that it’s going to be hard to get it all out
without coming out all at once. There
was someone I met tonight that approached me that in that moment I felt I really
couldn’t deal with it in the time as to the way I was feeling in my own grief,
yet that was when my heart whispered to me that isn’t that what you would want
if you were in pain and in need to talk with someone?, that isn’t that what
your love is in this life is to be there for people who hurt no matter if
inconvenient of times or not? So I
answered, feeling at first not having the strength to lift up someone in the
moment as I was feeling grief of my own, yet like the flash of a light I was
lifted, that moment was a surprise to my eyes and heart to see what really what
it is we love doing that no matter how tired, how bad we feel, or how reluctant
we are to move forward that love of what you do has the strength of moving
mountains, pushing you past what you believe your boundaries are.
This person that spoke was full of all the emotions that I
once felt so full of and some days still feel, I could feel the pain through
the words being spoke to me and understood exactly where this person was in
their painful time of grief, yet not only geared to grief I started to
understand so many carry such huge guilt with them around that it amazes me that
they are still able to stand. This
person was full of guilt of feeling of not being able to help enough, that he should
have been around more to help his spouse.
This again broke me, I went back in time to the feeling I felt so many
of times to know just exactly what guilt can do a human being if carried for
far too long. To assure him I told him
that the guilt that lies deep within us is not that we were not around enough,
or should have been more, it is guilt of the fact that we could not cure them,
that we are still here and they are not.
That to feel that guilt is weighing your true life down, that in that
guilt you are wasting your life, a life that his spouse does not want to see
him wasting, that no matter how hard he had to be able to accept that he did
all that he could that not being there enough had nothing to do with the guilt
he felt, I told him to slowly as hard as it is to fill that guilt with good
memories of their life together, that his spouse knew that he did all that he
could and loved her very much, that she knew that, that him not taking off on
her was all she needed to see that he truly loved her and stuck by her.
Through my heart experiences I speak to help people as much
as I can, I speak to of things that helped me through what I did, through
things I’ve seen others do. Speaking
from your heart will never leave you a stray.
In honor of his wife I told him it was to live his life to the very best
he could, to every day try to do things she loved doing, I know from my
experience the more I lived my life to the fullest, the more I honored my husband’s
love of things he loved doing that guilt soon slowly and slowly dissipated. Yet to see that it dissipates you have to
pull from the pain to feel little by little it leaves your mind in the
remembering of good memories and honoring of life. There is not one day that goes by I do not do
at least one thing that brought a smile to my husband’s face while here on
earth. The hard facts of life is in
guilt that is a negative, your love that you shared carried no negative so why
continue to carry it with you, it was nothing but love that you shared so why
let the negative be anywhere near that love you shared and still share. You see tonight was another lesson, that in
taking the time to be with those in pain no matter how hard it is for you in
those moments are new lessons that are given to you, tonight was that no matter
how awful you feel the love for what you do and carry in you will always over
power the feelings of thinking you cannot do it, that you do not have it in you
to help in the moment that you are being called upon.
It’s in the actual helping in your time of hurt that makes
that hurt go away knowing that you are truly helping another by what hardship
you been through in your life. It amazes
me that the more I ask God to let me be in service to him that the more people
come to me to want to talk and open their hearts to me, a reminder to my heart
that to question what my purpose is no longer needs to be in question. Then I realised that this was a man speaking
to me, that not too many men are so open to letting their emotions be shared
with someone. In it all I also shared
that no matter what, no matter how hard to never hold in what you feel, if you
feel you cannot say it out loud write it out, even if it is writing you are
still getting it out, keeping it in is a time bomb ticking to explode the
biggest of explosion than if you would of just let it out when you felt it. Talking this conversation I went back in time
to feel everything I felt as he did tonight, yes it is painful but soon as you
see you are helping that hurt turns into joy and fills your heart so much more. Not too many people get this right away
because the pain they feel keeps them from taking the actual steps to helping
another but once done you heart opens and understands the feeling is a feeling
like no other when you know deep in your soul you have helped someone out of
their dark moment to brighten the dark for them to see that yes that darkness
doesn’t stay there like they believed for so long.
Then there was the big question that actually had me
thinking a little longer than usual, “What has kept you going”? That was a question that in the beginning of
my grief I would not of had no answer to because really I was not going
anywhere in all the pain I was consumed in in my time back then I felt life on
my own terms was in a standstill, than I understood that what it was that kept
me going was belief, my blog, my heart opening to want to help people grief,
our daughter, then realising I had to actually find what it was that kept me
going, you have to see the dark get lighter and lighter to find the things even
if little that keep you going, no matter how simple, how little you have to
find it deep in you to find the things of importance to you and your heart that
keep you making those steps through it all, you have to look around you to know
that although you feel time is standing still that outside in reality it is
not. With all of your being you have
to move, you have to reach so hard to find things to keep you going that it hurts
every being of you to find it. If you
don’t break that pain you will never see the little progress you make each day
you live through that pain. That no
matter how small, it is yours to be proud of and know that in that moment of
being proud you smile, than that leads to knowing your smile is still there and
never leaves, it was just being suffocated from the pain you were feeling. Every little hurdle is something to recognize
and be oh so proud of, because in that you find your heart beating, you find
just for a second the pain does lift.
The biggest question of all is “will you ever love or date
again”? My answer to that is YES, in the
time your heart is ready and when it is you will know like the start of a brand
new day, yet you have to understand that no one will be who the person is that
you lost, that in your own way you love them for who they are not for what you
are trying to see in the person you lost, that love is different, it is placed
in your heart forever that no one will ever be the same kind of love you felt
towards that person. To not look for it,
not look for a replica of the person you lost, that person will come to you, in
the time your heart knows you are ready, if before you will know, your heart
will know, now is not the time. This is
a question of many opinions but from my heart I know that everyone gets second
chances in life and love is what we are, it is life, love is who we are supposed
to be. Perhaps some may never love
again, but that does not mean all will never love again. Just to recognize in it you will never love
the same as you did to the person you lost is all you need to understand, that
in that persons own way you will love them for who they are. Our loved ones we lost would not ever want us
to hold a shrine to them in that way, to never love again if we get that chance;
I know this because as a human being WE ARE LOVE. That long before my husband even got sick he
told me he would want me to be with someone else and be happy, if a person
truly loves you that is all they want for you, TO BE HAPPY. I ASSUME IN ALL THAT LOVED ONES YOU HAVE LOST
THAT it was the real kind of love so to that than absolutely they want to see
you happy.
Prayer, some may think not such a great help; that I say NOT
TRUE, the power of prayer and God’s love will bring you to places you never
thought you could be. It may seem it is
unanswered, or why am I the one that got my spouse taken away if there is a God? It may even seem for a little while your
faith has gone but in the making it through you will then understand just what
it is that is carrying you through your days, giving you strength in places you
thought you never had. You as a person
have to want to move forward, than once that decision is seen it’s backed by
the blessings of love that God knows now that you want to make it through, that
you want to live your life. Cannot even
express enough just how near and dear it is to my heart to help so many that I
can, yet at the same time it breaks me to know someone else out there is
feeling as I did as some days I still do.
It’s a bitter sweet feeling but mostly through it the sweet breaks that
bitter.
Tonight was a lesson to the heart, again proving that in
your pain to help others is to rid of your own pain and fill it with joy, in it
is to fill it with love, love always conquers all. I was reminded that no matter how long it has
been if you think about it is as though it happened just yesterday, that to use
the knowledge of what I went through to back it with love will lift others in
their times of need. It’s in the
littlest of things that can break your darkness to getting it to a lighter and
lighter place every time you find that littlest of thing to help you through
your hard times. For him tonight I say
find your happiest of memory with your loved one passed, no matter how hard
remember it, vision it as if it was that day, known in your heart that the love
you shared was not any part of negative so let go of it to only leave room for
that love. Support and love of others
around you is a huge thing in the beginning, they are the ones blessed upon you
to help carry you through the days you feel you cannot walk. It was a reminder of how blessed I was to
have that and to this day still do. If
your love is for the true genuine intent to love and help Gods love will back
you every time to give onto you the strength you need to help those that seek
your help in the times you feel you can’t.
When I see the words “talking to you has helped”, nothing
can ever replace the feeling you feel in all of you knowing you have just
lightened someone’s darkness, than to see the “thank you so much” I look up and
say “thank you so much”, and feel more love than ever of my husband passed
around me, if not for him my heart still be wandering for the love/purpose of
my life. If not for my father passed I
would of never thanked God because of my dad is why here and now I embrace God
to know his love is there waiting for you to embrace it.
Losing someone of great significance to your life leaves you
in the shadows of all the what could have been, it is not no joke to have your
future taken away from you, than trying to find that new life you have to build
on your own that you don’t feel you want to without the person you lost, for
this reason alone is why I will never not answer anyone that comes to me to
talk. Grief is not something that goes
away overnight, it is something that people sometimes need to know there are people
out there that care, that will listen, that will take their hand and walk with
them as long as they need you to.
Tonight was tough but through it that hard time lifted quickly in
knowing love is love, love comes first and in loving you help and loving what
you do gives you the strength in anything you need to in the times you need
it.
It doesn’t just stop after one it never stops, once you find
the love of what you do, your purpose, you do not want to stop, you want to
help so many that you can, you want to shout from the highest mountain what it
is you love doing to make sure the whole world knows. Lessons of your life are everywhere to be
found but if you stay standing still you will never see or find them. What a true blessing to the heart, soul, mind
knowing that you have it in you to lift others when down, we have this in us
all and the more that find out the better place we all will be in. Sometimes it takes the hardest of lesson to
see that but being thankful you have seen it is more of blessing to life that
hard lesson to nothing but pure magical love.
In the helping you help your own self out as well, you start to understand
just how far you have come through all the people you help and that is a
blessing all on its own.
Yes I lost the love of my life, yet that love shall never
leave me, nor shall the love I carry in my heart, yes I have a scar that cut
deep but it’s a beauty mark to me, it’s my way to letting others that see it
know I’m still here and made it through, so they too can do the same. I miss my husband’s beautiful face but know he’s
with me through all I go through, that his love is backed with our love to push
me through the times I feel I can’t move.
Our special moments will never leave or be taken away; we share the
empty space in between all around together, he’s just at a different platform
than me. Yes I could not cure him but
that was not anything that I could of changed, he knew that I did the best of
our love could do and he smiles in knowing just how deep our love lies. Tears fall for him yes, because sometimes
those tears are to cleanse our soul, I cry for my dad, I feel some days I lost
the two most important men in my life yet know they are not lost they are with me everywhere I
am. Honor your loved ones life and love
and do the things they loved while here on earth every chance you get and most
of all let them see you smile, let them know that you know it’s not negative
your love was felt it was happy and full of nothing but joy.
NOTE TO ALL: To the
purpose and love you have for what you do there will always be strength you
thought you did not have, that strength is brought upon you through God seeing
you are accepting your purpose and fulfilling your love for it. Your pain is only as debilitating to you as
you let it be, the help of others calls upon you to carry you through the
moments of I can’t, I don’t, to I am, I will.
My heart goes out to the person who felt so much pain, yet I
know with love it shall be lifted.
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