Going through the grief of losing my husband has shattered
my heart so many of times, but through it all each and every time I’ve put
those pieces back together, some would think that is impossible but to me
nothing is ever impossible, with all the love that you hold in you to the love
that surrounds, to the love of God all of that makes the impossible to
possible, to finding the good in every little thing no matter how shattered you
may feel, no matter how many times you feel you got knocked down. Yet the greatest of hurt comes from our
daughter when she comes to me to say “I miss having a daddy”, what do you say
to a little girl who is just beginning life and sees only the world in the
purest of eyes. It’s not something you
can turn your cheek to and ignore; it is her heart telling yours she feels as
you do on your bad days of missing that life we once had. There are really no right ways to address
that situation, accept take a deep breath, feel the love of your loved one
passed to stand up and represent what their heart would say if it were them in
your shoes.
After having a tough week followed by an actual normal day this
was the words brought to me on a day I actually felt like I was me again, to
come to almost fall to my knees hearing what came from my little girls
mouth. I took the time to gain my
strength and you see some may feel that where do you get the strength to answer
that? Well for me it comes from the
heart and the love of the greatest love you have for your child, and in knowing
her heart feels just as big as mine does, that it is not over for her
either. So in all of me I honestly
wanted to pretend I did not hear but my heart knows that the pain of grief
never goes undone if it does it just digs a bigger hole in you to build to a
bigger and bigger problem later in your life.
So I took my deep breath and sat down and asked her “what was your
favorite memory of being with daddy”?
she looked at me for a little and told me, “well it’s not just one thing
I remember a lot of favorite things, but I really liked it when we went to the
river together and had ice cream”, smiling I asked her what else is it she
could remember, she said “well I remember us going to the beach and playing in the
sand”, Feeling the tears I told her “well how about when you miss having a
daddy you remember all your favorite things you did with him, that even though I’m
not her daddy I still could do those things with her”, I asked her to tell me more of what she could
remember, she said “I liked everything we did, car rides, looking for horses,
getting my Slurpee’s, playing hide and seek”, I looked at her and asked “do you
miss having a daddy right now? She said “no”,
I said “see, when you miss your daddy think of all the times you spent
together, and we will do all that together, that I was not daddy but the things
they loved doing together could still be done”.
So that night we started a daddy list of all things she loved to do with
her dad and started working on doing those things.
She smiled big as we wrote each and everything down on the
list, I looked at her to remind her that her dad will always love her, be with
her in her heart and all around her, that where ever he is he knows what she is
doing and never stops being her guardian angel, that every day he may be unseen
he is there, she is part of him, that even though I am one person I represent
both daddy and my love for her, so that through me she always has both our
love, that just because I was not daddy didn’t mean she had to stop all the
things she loved doing with her daddy.
Then I realised I’ve lost my dad and looked to her to say you are not
the only person in this world to lose a daddy that “I lost my daddy to”, so
together when we miss our daddies we can always talk about our things we loved
doing with our daddies”, so than of course that led to her making me make a
list of all the things I loved doing with my dad, which was oh so hard and so
full of tears in knowing my relationship was far more different than her and
her dads relationship, but that right there through the pureness of her asking
to my surprise I found some moments that I did love doing with my dad, lesson
to my heart from my eight year old little girl, that through your heart you
will always find those favorite things no matter how hard the relationship was
with that person you lost. Through her I
was able to see my little girl and pure love for my dad as she did that night
for her dad.
After all of this we both looked to one another to actually
smile, I hugged her so tight and she told me “your daddy to than can see you
right? He is your guardian angel to
right? He knows than you love him right
now, than he knows that so than he knows you always have even though you didn’t
see him a lot he knows right now that even than you loved him? I told her, “I guess he does your right”. Her brilliance of everything she sees and
knowledge she carries astounds me every day.
She looked at me to ask “does that mean daddy can hear and know I love
him? I told her “daddy knows you love
him even when you don’t say it”, that he always will feel her love every day. She looked at me and smiled and we talked
more and looked through pictures of her and her daddy, through the greatest of
your love for another there is always the purest of emotion that puts to rest
all those negative of feelings that come on so fast and so strong leaving them
in the past of yet another moment conquered with acknowledgement and love. It’s not easy to pick up those pieces but it’s
easy when you look to the love of your child knowing in you is answers they are
trying to find, that even if the answers are not there through your heart you
will always find the way to address their hearts. The one most important thing to me was to be
there always for her no matter how hard or bad of a day I had, and every time I’ve
god fully found the way to lift her up in her moments of need.
In the conversation I was reminded of the first year of
losing my husband how I thought I could not believe the strength I endured
devoting my all to making sure our little girls heart was being fully attended
to leading me to put my own grief on hold that built bigger and bigger to a
bigger issue later on but smiled in knowing that it was her first I wanted to
make sure would be comforted that through that my own grief in little ways was
also being addressed but still having to go through my own grief I knew after
all that there was nothing I could not walk through, that through all that I
had the strength to make it through my own.
These moments are far from over yet with love they will subside and be
comforted, through that the pain will never be greater than all our love
together. That God is seeing what it is
we go through that in it all we will never be without the love and strength we
need to do the hard work of every situation that comes to our lives in grief we
feel.
Since then more has been added to that list, and one by one
we do the things on that list. She makes
sure to read that list every day, to remind me that it is something special to
her, checking it over and over she smiles in all the memories she remembers of
her daddy and her, special moments they had together, special times we had all
together, the biggest thing to my heart is through her I was able to find a
list of my own no matter how distant of a relationship I had with my dad there
were still good memories to be remembered.
So every time she smiles looking to her list, so do I knowing that there
actually were moments I had as well. The
saying “God never gives you more than you can't handle” I do believe in now
because through all of our struggles here we are still today smiling, laughing,
making dreams come true, making it through hardest of moments but finding the
blessing in it all. That moving forward
is the option we choose to know in faith we will always make it through our obstacles
that come our way. That in it your heart
finds the way to let us know just what it is we need to do, that to feel the love
and go from there to find the sparkle in our life, to find the sparkle never
fades through the heart felt actions of love.
Our little girl lost her daddy way to soon, yet we have to
understand that there are others in this world that are going through so much
more than we know, that we have to find it in us to find things to be grateful
for now, to find the memories to brighten our hearts, to remember that love
never leads you a stray. To understand
that we are not the victims, we are the students learning in the big classroom
of the world in life we live, that we could either choose to stand still or
find ways to walk through the hurt to find all the little blessings that get us
through that pain. A child, your child
is never one to ignore the feelings that come your way because at the time you
don’t know what to say nor feel that you can't, if you take the time to breathe,
find it in you what your heart is feeling than through that you will always
find the ways to address whatever it is they seek to hear and learn from you. The strength of your loved ones passed with
the love of God will always whisper to your heart if you take your moment to
gather your strength and let your heart be the lead to whatever it is you got
to do.
Makes me smile that I always find the gems through the
hardest of times, that no matter how hard the times may seem that gem is right
there waiting for you to take in and learn.
The more of a struggle you go through the more of a greater lesson and
blessing to be taught through it. Don’t
walk around, walk through, your child is also to be walked with hand in hand
through it as well in their times they need it.
Find the ways no matter how small to comfort their loss, there will
always be ways to let you know what it is to do, if only you let go of your own
pain, to gather yourself and move forward, your love will take the lead and
through it you will see another moment passed and behind you with a lesson of
the greatest to you and your child. I’m
amazed to see that in rock bottom through love I built my way back up in a
solid foundation that I still build up to this day, yet looking back I smile to
see that in that solid was my building that allowed that structure to remain
solid backed by the faith and love of God, my husband passed and now my own
dad.
You can be broken a thousand times but every time you can
put those pieces back together shaping you into a person you thought you would
never be. Sometimes it may lose some
pieces in the building back together but in those missing pieces you gain
more. Our daughter will forever live
with grief as I do but we both together will learn to leave that space in our
lives to live with it, through it. I
know her daddy will never let us down, that my dad will forever keep teaching
me the greatest of life lessons as he has been doing since he left this
world. Our little girl and I will find
in us love, faith, happiness and joy always because we choose to, because
through it all each and every time we lift our own selves a little higher each
time, we live the happiest of life we can knowing where we are the love of our
life is there to, that in it all God hears our cries to bless upon us of
lessons to our hearts to build our foundation stronger and higher every time.
My husband passed left a piece of him here with me, through
her we still hold that family love, that love will never leave us, we carry it
through to the life we move through now.
I’m proud to know that my daughter is slowly starting to be the young
lady I showed her how to be, that no matter what guided by heart you will never
be led to the wrong. I’m grateful for
her love; it is her love that shows me to seek things through the eyes of a
child which is to see of the purest. So
denying them In their time of needs is to deny your own self, what they hold in
them is a piece of you as well, that denying of what they need to seek from you
only grows into bigger, worse things in the end. To walk through it together is to conquer and
leave in the behind waiting for the next hurdle to jump over together.
Through it all through the hardest of times your heart will
always be, through the heart is the gate open of love, in there will never lay
darkness or negativity. Every time my
daughter smiles I smile in knowing she’s feeling love and knows that she is
loved to the fullest, the proudest moments of all is to see that smile through
another moment in grief left in the past behind us because we walked through it
and made it through. I know in my heart
my husband passed touches our hearts every time we go through those dark
moments. That in her hurt she is graced
upon by her daddies love. Moving those
negative thoughts to seek positive will always erase those moments of darkness
in life that come on so very quickly, in time, love, patience and strength you
find your rainbow, you feel the weight lift and you find your smile again.
NOTE TO ALL: Do not
take the short cut through hurt, walk gracefully head held high hand in hand
with your child to know loves got your back, that no matter what or how long it
takes you will make it through yet another dark moment graced by your loved
ones passed alongside the love of God, there is always the strength in you to
pick up the broken and gather your love to help your child through there
hardest of times, as you do for your own.
Feel the love, back it with your loved ones passed love always and that
darkness will forever disappear each and every time in any moment it creeps upon
you. The hurt you see in your child’s
eyes can be debilitating to you but to remember the smile you make appear is
what makes you kick that debilitation aside to reach deep in your heart to seek
that smile again. The love of god, the
love of our loved ones passed there is nothing more powerful than that, the
love of your child is the kind of love that never ever breaks, so walk that
walk through the pain and wait for the smile to fill your heart with joy to
moving forward to living your life bravely full of love and higher than
before. Our children become what they
see in us so always choose love not silence.
And I know I'm strong enough to mend ~ Mariah Carey
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