In The Lost Is Everywhere

When the wind blows my hair it reminds me of you pushing away the hair in my face with your gentle hands.  The sun that shines so bright feeling the warmth on my cheek is as though it is a kiss from you wherever you may be.  When I see the beauty that is in the sun rise and sunset it reminds me of just how magical our love is.  When the stars twinkle at night, it reminds me of the twinkle you had in your eyes every time I looked to you.  The moon, the moon reminds that if you could you would capture it up and bring it to me if that is what I wanted.  When I see people working so hard on their car the memories of the endless hours you spent on all the cars you just had to have puts a smile on my face in the remembering of the words you spoke each and every time you bought a car “I promise this is the last one, it is such a good car”.  The fall reminds of just how happy it made you that the weather was of your favorite year round.  Seeing others being of help to someone reminds just how big of heart you had and helped so many people that you could of that kept you so very busy every day, reminding me that is where you knew what life was really about, that in that moment it was a lesson I’d learn later that was a blessing of a trait to have rather than the frustration I felt for all the hours it kept you away from home.

When I sit outside to look around at everything that is there, everything reminds me of you.  The blue sky reminds of the love you carried for me and our little girl bigger than the sky.  The fluffy clouds remind me of the biggest beautiful heart that you had.  When the leaves follow the wind that blows makes me feel that every chance that I had I always wanted to follow you in the direction you were headed to be with you.  Every time I think to myself of wanting to buy furniture how you would always tell me “oh I will build you that” but knowing that was just your way to get me to not spend money ha ha.  The night reminds me of the LOVE, PEACE AND COMFORT that my heart felt full of as I watched you sleep not far from you was our little girl who always found a way to sneak in, but it was the look of peace on both your faces that filled my heart up over flowing of so much love that was around me.  Tools, when I hear tools it reminds me of oh so many tools you had, not just one of something multiples of one tool because you always misplaced things than got frustrated you couldn’t find it.  The reflection of water brings me back to our times at the beach, the most memorable ones of all.  Sometimes I want to cry but remember, why I should cry if I am noticing everything around me is you, is a part of our life that the endless love we created never is far from my heart, mind, and soul.

I look at your pictures from time to time but all of you is memorised in my mind, the comfort of seeing your face makes my heart remember the greatest of love that has touched my life, that in that life so many of lessons were brought into my life because of you.  When I see butterflies they remind me of a message from your heart to mine, that you’re never far from me.  A song on the radio that you loved to hear makes my heart feel you in that moment, that if you were here you’d say “turn it up some”.  Watching a roofer clang shingles on a roof reminds me of the many hard days you spent working just so Hailey and I were taken care of.  I sit at Tim Horton’s now for as long as I can because I remember how you just loved camping out there.  Mustaches, now ha mustaches are of something I take deep pride in seeing because it reminds me of you and the mustache I loved so much.  I even find myself finding sayings on t-shirts now making me smile in thoughts of you that I buy to of course ha ha.  The love you’s you spoke of as much as you could but I know is spoken in the things I see all around me that remind me of you.  It is not at all in the material things that you own that remind me of you it is the beauty all around me that goes on each and every day that I see you in all of it.  

All the animals that I would see in  front of me out of the blue, rabbits, birds, skunks, cats, possums all make me smile because in them all is specific memories of us in our life we lived together.  Most of all when I look in the mirror I finally like the reflection looking back at me because through you I’ve learned to love who I am because of the unconditional love you blessed my life with, the empowering feelings of dreaming the biggest dreams knowing that I can because in whatever I did you believed in me more than my own self sometimes, you believed in me so much that I started to believe in my own self, you loved me with so much love that I learned to love myself as well.  I look to our daughter that holds every feature and aspect of you allows me to know that you’re never ever far from us.  The many laughs with family of the memories of you keeps you close, in the tears that fall are not always of sadness  yet of happiness in recognition of how many of great moments in our life we shared with so many.  When I light candles I know in that flame your energy is never too far from it, that in that light represents just how bright you shined.

When I see our little girl growing and learning I smile in knowing that her life was a life that you helped create, an extraordinary of life of great significance.  I know in her growing you're there to help her, guide her, love her, let her heart feel you and your love letting her know what she accomplishes you know, that not one thing goes unnoticed.  When our little girl smiles I see all of you  here helping me understand that the biggest part of you is in her.

In your family I feel your love, I see a piece of you in each and every one of them, and although not you I do know a piece of you lingers in each of them.  Each hug is a hug from you, each smile is a smile from you, and I’m blessed to see so much of you still in this life even though I cannot see your face.  It is funny now that when I hear the cussing of someone how it makes me laugh remembering how frustrated you would get so easily.  It’s funny to finally see this all and put it together to realise that you are never far from me, I just have to be present in my moments each and every day to see you all around, to be focused in the hustle and bustle that is all around me.  To allow myself to take time in silence to take time to really take in all that is around me with the surprises of the things that pop up out of the blue that remind me of the greatest of memories we shared.  You pranking me as much as you could to scare me and laugh bring a smile to my face knowing just how much laughter we had in our life.

I no longer feel the need to seek comfort in the things you had rather than the beauty of you that is all around me everywhere I look.  I am saying this story in hopes that those that feel the need to hold on to things understand that your love is not in the material things it is in the beauty of all around you, that your love is everywhere, that your loved ones passed are not seen but never far from you and around you in all that you see.  During the moments of being outside and noticing of so many things that have made me smile are my AHA thoughts that have been close to me lately.  Every day something new of the greatest of essence is learned and taken in fully to the heart.  It is funny how the guidance you need to seek out things of great significance are always there to lead your way to seeing this in your own time.  I don’t doubt that the guidance and strength I feel every day comes from the heart of your love for me tugging me to let me know where it is I need to be.  That like whispers of the heart your whispers are there as well.  Most of the greatest of things that happened in my life I know in my heart were because of those whispers of love to me from you to my heart that through this life you will always be there to tug me when needed through all that I do.

 I know now in my down days around me is the beauty that will help lift me back up to how it is I should have been feeling, that feeling down is not a moment that should stay for too long.  Your love was definitely sent to me by the gift of God to instill in me the love and belief in me that I needed to see and start to understand was there all along, that in your love was brought it out in me to realise it was there that it took your unconditional love to get me to where I needed to find myself fully.  It’s been two years since you left this earth, yet when I think about it all the memories are still as though it was yesterday yet in the looking around all of me I smile knowing our love is in everything around, everywhere I see, every time I smile, every time my heart feels your love.  There is no greater feeling than to put that debilitating pain I feel come on to rest so fast as soon as I just look all around me to smile in the remembrance in it all lays pieces of you, pieces of us. 

In the change of every season is the next chapter of our love and of our memories, in the new is the boost you give to me to reach for the stars that I need to reach for.  Each night I smile in knowing that in all the asking and talking to you before I sleep I know that you’re the force behind all that I want to become and achieve, the words you always spoke of your daughter and I “you and mommy are tough cookies” reminds my heart that we are learning our way to fully, truly, boldly, fearlessly live our lives in honor of every belief you had in us that we could accomplish.  Is it coincidence that when I felt a really rough of many days that I prayed for strength to make it through it, to be able to leave that defeated feeling behind me, to suddenly feel it lift from all of me?  No not at all I do believe that the force of love is no match up against the negative that lies in between it.  I am truly starting to see just how powerful a love can be even though not here in the flesh, that it’s not in the flesh it is in the soul, in the spirit, in the heart.



 

I missed the listening you gave so freely to me but know now that you can still listen that you’re not seen but still hear my words, my love, my all.  Fairy God Mothers aren’t real some believe, to me Fairy God Fathers are those close to your hearts that grant you all you lift up to them and the good Lord that hears your cries in the night alongside your loved ones passed.  When you feel helpless strongly understand that in the asking your burden in some ways somehow will be lifted and in that moment your heart will feel it, it may not be in that second but you will notice it is no longer.  Yes sometimes I will cry in missing seeing your wonderful face, but know deep down to take the time to go feel us in everything around me.  You will never get what you so bravely do not ask for, that I know is truly the truth in this life we live without our loved ones passed in the flesh, that in the asking soul to soul is heard and granted, maybe in not what you expect but you will see and feel it granted. 

To feel defeated is to let go of all of you, that is not the way your meant to go, find that defeated and lift it up to up above to carry for you and remind yourself you are not ever defeated when led by love, from deep in your heart.  Our loved ones passed never want to see us struggling, they want to help be the push to the positive and see us happy and finding our happiness and living the happiest of our life that we can, that we deserve.  In all the looking around smile in knowing a piece of your life, your love are all around you of so many things that remind you of them, of your life.

NOTE TO ALL:   Take the time for you when you feel the wrath of grief coming on, take the silence you need to breath and look around to so many things and you will soon start to see the beauty of so much that reminds of the great love you shared, that in the beauty the tears don’t fall but the smile comes on in shock of seeing that you will be in awe to know that your love is everywhere, both your love is surrounded by you.  We all need to take time for our self, even if five minutes and each day you will start to understand the love of your life touches you every day in a different way.  When you feel the tears don’t feel it should not be because sometimes those tears are our hearts way of cleansing the negative we feel, that soon enough you will be tugged to see through your heart of the beauty that is.

 In every Celine Dion song is a piece of memory of our life together, my husband loved her and her songs touch your heart as you hear them you feel them, so in this song I remember my husband.