This is a place for all broken grieving hearts to come, its my safe haven and I share this with all of you to be your safe haven. I am hoping through my journey of grieving as well as my real life experiences through grieving I can help all through their darkest hours, to ease the pain a little less, to maybe just give an ear to listen because sometimes that's all we need.

I am willing to bare all to each and everyone who comes to this blog. I want no one to be shy of anything. I want anyone to ask question's, tell their stories with pride. No one will judge you, or think you are different. We are all here going through the same thing GRIEVING. This is my safe haven, your safe haven. The place to heal, to find your smile again. Through this all I am on a journey to writing a book as well "The Grieving Path To Joy".

Aug 17, 2013

Be The Light Tower

Not to make a joke but it has been a very long time since I have been anywhere near church, in church, around church but something huge is happening and is really in the oddest of ways it is happening and how it’s all coming to play a big part in my life.  Tonight I went to a Church where my dad spent many hours of many days at, a place where so many loved him for who he was, I was there for three hours not knowing anyone that well but I know that getting far away from your comfort zone as much as you can is where all the beauty lays.  The church is still standing and doing well haha.  You know that feeling going back to being a child when you wake up Christmas morning?  Well that is the feeling that is filling me up from head to toes something that through the hardest of thing happen to me started, losing my father, losing him than finding something bigger than life in it all is really words that I cannot express enough.  Being able to give freely as he did to expect nothing in return, to feel peace and comfort in a place I’d never thought I’d be.   It was hard for me tonight, hard for me to walk out on my own, walk in to a place I truly did not know anyone all that well, this to me was another eye opener for me to realise, yet again it’s the stepping way out of your comfort zone playing a big place in it all.
All anxious feelings I felt through me disappeared like it never been there as soon as I reached the outside step of the church.  Looked around and said to myself “dad this is your place so you got my back as I walk through this place to see a lot of unfamiliar faces”, as I said those words to myself nothing but complete peace filled all of me, than looking around I seen in every person a piece of my dad in them all, looking to every part of this place knowing is where my dad was comforted, a place where so many took the time to hear his troubles and pain, a place that never ever looked the other way, just always accepting him always with open arms.  I think to myself this is not a Catholic church but still a place of God no matter what.  Has this been the missing piece that I’ve thought I had in my life but not realising it wasn’t enough?  My dad I do believe would be laughing hard as he watched me tonight thinking “there’s my daughter in a church, a church that was rough around the edges but so loving past those edges, I got her to see what it was that I see through all the roughness that is on the outside to see what truly it was on the inside LOVE”.   I truly am in awe so much to think that some things you may think you have let into your heart is there but finding out that not fully you have until something touches your heart to make you truly get it.
 To get the peace of mind and love that I felt is truly no denying what it is that is calling for attention in my life, to feel the feelings the over whelming feelings I have been feeling is truly no coincidence, it’s words that are speaking to me to open my eyes and realise to wake up and understand that love, that peace, it’s not just a fairy tale, it is real life.  If you’re not open to it than the heart will never be there to tell you what you need to hear.  I heard more stories of my dad, which never shocked me, he was definitely a character.  Seriously right now I’m just amazed that in the most unexpected of times if you allow the most amazing miracles happen to your heart and soul.  It’s not just coincidence that you pass upon these things in life, its God’s gift to you for placing them there.  Not saying I’m going to run off and be a nun but my dad led me to a place in my life that I needed to find, he may be gone but every day he is still teaching me things that I thought would never be of a lesson from him.  I thank you dad.  It is funny to think that you have a hold of something to find out that truly you have not grasped all of what you needed.  I knew of God, I knew God was real, I pray to him every night, yet there was so much more to it than that.  It’s about giving, it’s about finding purpose, it’s about accepting the love, not ever expecting anything in return, it’s all of the glorious of things that is, it’s knowing that no matter how long it’s been God don’t care, he cares always and knows one day he will be acknowledged in your life if you listen close enough or perhaps in a person sent to you in your life to make you see it all.  The answer to all tears that fall is to give, to help, to be of service and to never ever expect anything in return, in all those moments all answers you’ve ever wanted to know will slowly come into all of you to answer whatever it is that you wanted to know. 
May sound preachy to some but really it is a testament of what all that’s been happening in the hardest of my pain.  Here we go and can’t say it enough in the toughest of times the beauty will shine so bright unto you if you open to it to see it, too many times now I’ve been a witness to this in the most horrific times given to me in my life, at first losing my husband I thought it was just that, helping people that grieve but that was just a quarter of what was being shown to me in that time.  Let free of the pain to see what is around you, to open up to embrace what is trying to embrace you.  Too many of signs for me to go unnoticed, signs of feeling complete peace of heart, the rush of warmth through all of you as you stand in the most trying time in your life.  Yes my dad has his troubles yet here we are through him I am being pulled so close to a place I’d thought I could never reach.  God accepted my dad even with all his faults teaching my heart that I could do as well.  To let go of the negative I felt, to let go of his addictions that kept him from so much yet here he was letting God into his life the whole time we were strangers to one another.  Tonight in this room full of strangers within seconds none felt that way to me at all.  I laughed as I stacked the chairs to help towards the end of the night thinking to myself “of all lessons my dad is teaching me it’s this right here right now, God, embracing God, helping with not expectations of anything to be received, what bigger lesson to of ever been taught by my dad throughout my whole life.  Once you accept it no words will ever explain the way the world seems to be to you than you thought of it was before. 
I smile in knowing that yet again stepping out of your comfort zone is all where it’s at, that being so far away from that comfort zone is truly letting go to let God have it in his hand, to trust in him to know things will be the way they are meant to be.   Facing fears to look up and know its ok, that all those fears are so easy to let go and let be.  The bigger dream you could have ever dreamed is near, if you allow it to be.   So this I say to grieve, grieve has no power to those that pray, to those that embrace God’s love, to those to understand that giving, helping, being with others unselfishly is all where your tears will be dried.  To be love, give love, embrace love is where our grieving hearts need to learn to be, to get out and be with those that you can help, asking God for the strength you need, just being love, being the pure love you were as a child.  Sounds funny?  Not at all, after losing my husband he graced me with the noticing of my purpose to love everyone I can that grieves, losing my dad learning that letting God in fully is also where it all is to show your own bright light to turn on.   Bad things happen but it’s up to us to find the silver lining in the lessons that are so hard to us at the time.  You aren’t going to learn that if you forever bound your heart to pain, wanting to be in the past, constantly looking for things that are not what are seeking you.
A lady approached me tonight to tell me a story, she said she knew my dad that he was there all the time and that when he sat at a table he told her “why can’t I have one of those candles at my table? I want one”, just because that’s my dad and he’s always pushing the boundaries to see how far he could get a reaction,  the lady told me she than took a candle and placed it at his table and said “there you go Wayne just for you”.  Another lesson taught, you will never get for what you so bravely do not ask for.  Always knew of that but tonight was proof of how powerful of in the asking can be.  So here I am 36 years into my life many years in between us yet feeling my dad’s love so much more than ever and lesson taught to me from him to my heart.   Miracles truly do happen because through this all I’ve been encountering so many every day, from biggest to smallest I truly been seeing the miraculous of what is LOVE.  That in that pure love is doors you thought of would never open.  It is not hocus pocus, it is LOVE it is GOD, and it is GIVING selflessly.  Of all people it is my dad that is teaching me so much each and every day I wake to feel his love instead of sadness that he is no longer here.   A lot of my posts have been of my dad but that’s because through him I am getting the greatest lessons to my heart and soul.  I guess in a way that is his gift he carries where he is at, in a way that’s his gift to my heart for the time loss in between us that now he lights the path to use me to see all of what he has seen all along that he left to be unseen for far too long.  In a way I feel he is using me to break the bonds and chains of those that he felt needed to be taught.  That he doesn’t want me to go as long as he did in life not knowing there is so much more to life than we allow ourselves to see. 

It’s funny because tonight there was movie they played at the church that dealt with divorce, losing someone, yet finding the peace in it all through God.  I remember being that little girl so angry her dad was gone; I remember the pain of losing my husband and father yet here I was finding the love of God bringing peace to my heart finally after all this time.   It’s no coincidence that I was there tonight to see this movie, to encounter all the people around me, to helping what I could do afterwards cleaning up because in me is exactly what my dad would have been doing tonight.  Coincidence?  I don’t believe it was at all. 
Seeing the sadness on the face of someone tonight who told me “it’s definitely not the same here without your dad brought tears to my eyes yet thought part of him is there through me, through everyone that was there that loved him so much.  In honor of my dad I will keep embracing the lessons he keeps bringing to my heart, I’ll keep embracing the God he looked for so long, I’ll carefully become a part of the family he was part of in that Church and know everyone just as well as he did.  
Through your fears you stand up to you become fearless, stepping far away from your comfort zone you will soon enough learn to forever dance far away from it, you will know to live and let go and trust that God’s got you.  It’s not going to be easy not anything in life is meant to be easy; it’s going with the flow through it not around it.  Step by step you will see the dream bigger than you could have ever imagined showing up to your life little by little, miracle by miracle, love by love.  It’s easy to make excuses to what you fear yet to stand up and make no excuses breaks you from always standing still in time.  Yes sometimes in the worse of ways you will be dealt with you will find what you need if only you believe.  Not everything is sugar sweet, you have to be able to take the bitter with the sweet to still believe that God does have a dream bigger than you could ever have imagined.

Sometimes you will be frustrated, sometimes you will be angry, you may feel like giving up but in it all you will see that not every day will be that way, that in shock you will see the chance of a new day and see that not every day is like that hard day you had.  Things may not happen as fast as you feel they should but in time pieces of it all will start to appear, once they do that is where you will find your miracle to keep the fight going, to keep the belief that you hold, to know in your heart one day it will all come together to be the big picture even bigger than you imagined.  I truly thank New Song Church for its miracles, for its love, for loving my father to the fullest, for giving him what was missing, for God touching his heart.
NOTE TO ALL:   Never expect that you have embraced something fully without truly understanding that you have whole heartedly.  Never give up on what you believe, what you dream because that dream is closer to you than you think, that it is just waiting for you to grow into all of what you need to see it, to embrace it.  Know that in you is the deepest of love to love out to the world, to strangers, that as fearful as it may be you’re not alone in what you do, that no matter how weird it may feel that it’s not weird at all it is the way of life to fully love, help and give with no expectations of anything given back to you.  Know that in the deepest of your sorrow the love in you is so much stronger than the pain that tries to take you over.
 Sometimes we learn the most powerful of things through the hardest of times, that the dreams we dream are God given, that in time it all will be, maybe not how you vision it but bigger than you vision it.   It is never ever too late to learn lessons, the important lessons, when God wants you to acknowledge him he isn’t going to play he will move mountains so you will have no choice to notice.  There truly is no words to describe the feeling you feel the more you embrace God in your life is to see life as you have as a child, beauty, grace, pure, love, and everyone in it is not as though a stranger just someone you know passing by to smile at your sweet face.
Be the light, be the guiding light that others may need to seek to find their way, be the light tower in someone’s greatest storm to help them home





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  4. I don't compute much but I'm going to trry. YOU WILL FEEL YOUR DADS SPIRIT AT NEW SONG CHURCH. God has brought a lot of us rough around the edeges. People there. LOVEE OF ABUNDANCE IS THERE. I met your dad there years ago. We becamee family. I miss him . It's too quiet at the. Circle. I'm praying for. You.

  5. Thank you so much for this comment and it is so true and exactly why I wanted to do what ever I could to help the church and be there and see all the wonderful people that loved him I feel him every time im there and see him in all the faces there I thank u deely from my heart for your comment I wanna keep a part of him here by being where he always was New Song Church.


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