Lessons Of The Heart

 

Tonight I had many of moments that taught me so much and touched my heart so deeply.  It was a memorial for my Father tonight at his church and the things I seen as I looked around this room full of people, people I have never knew, people that carried so much love in them, so much love for my dad, for themselves, for their life.  My heart took in comfort knowing just how many people that loved my father, that during our time of not being part of one another’s life that he had all and above the love of so many beautiful people.  I looked to each and every one of these people to see they all carried a piece of my dad in them, then I realised if he was such a bad person that he couldn’t of been if so many people loved him truly for what he was.   I took great comfort that the Lord placed so many people in his life during the moments we had no communication with one another.  Tonight I truly seen that the people dealt with the toughest of life are truly the ones full of the biggest of love.  My father was one of them, he had a tough life but that never stopped him, that never made him feel sorry for himself, feel like he wanted to give up, he gave love, he gave freely to people in need, tonight I truly smiled knowing my father was not at all the man I thought he was, he was a man full of unconditional love and knew what life was about, LOVE. 

That’s just it too many of us dealt with hard times in our life are so easily wanting to give up that we forget to understand it’s about being love, filling others with love, reaching out to people in need no matter who they are, no matter if a stranger, it’s truly about letting go of your own self-pity and truly loving, in that pity you give up your love, it’s your love that is needed in this world, to grace upon others that need to feel loved, that need to be noticed, just to be the person you are meant to be and that first and foremost is LOVE.  My father taught my heart many of lessons tonight, even though not here he taught me just to be you, to just love, to make people comfortable, make them laugh just to be truly there for people in need.  He proved to me that he was so similar to me in so many ways that I felt closer to him than I’ve ever have.  Hearing so many stories of so many that love and truly miss him filled my heart full of love, he truly had that rebellion, stubborn side yet his love was never lacking all the love he needed for people and his life.  The gap that drew us further away from one another God filled with all the love he needed.  Lessons tonight I do believe were my father’s way of letting me know just what I needed through the pain I feel of losing him.  He wanted me to see he was ok, that his life was full of love, that even though we had our differences it was ok that he’d just use the pain of that to find the silver lining. 

Although knowing that unconditional love out in the world is what we all should be I never would of thought my father would be the one to understand that, seeing that made my heart fill with his love so much.  Seeing that there were really not very many differences between us opened my eyes to make me see just how life sometimes can put the blinders on you through the belief of hurt you let control you.  Tonight was truly a night I felt full of his love, that the gap between us was not there, tonight I was proud to have most of his qualities, my heart beamed that I was so much like him even his bad ones.  It’s in the moments you feel you’re a stranger to someone to find out they were not a stranger at all, that a part of him is in me, that I’m proud that it is.  If you want to find the peace of heart you need remember the similarities you carry than know in your heart that you are closer to them than ever before.  Tears may fall for the fact of not seeing them around, yet it is the qualities they carry that you share that will always wipe your tears away. 
 

 



Then I realised if he was a part of me and I a part of him and loved who I was that all the time in between us didn’t matter, that the love I felt for who I was also meant I loved who he was to.  I need to come to terms with the regret, the loss of time we lost, in time it will come, knowing in my heart that I am so much like him will eventually carry away that sadness.  I truly understood that when you really are missing someone to gather with those that loved that person will help you smile, will make you feel closer to that person, to understand that in each and every person that knew that person that passed they will forever keep them alive.  Remembering those we lost with happiness, joyful hearts is the sure way to understand they are not seen but remain always with you. 

The laughter, the love, the joy, the memories is really where you will find your tears will no longer fall.  Surround yourself with love to know that with love anything is possible.  There’s going to be moments I know but I also understand to remember him in the greatest of memories is where my heart will beam the brightest.  From losing my husband I always knew this but tonight was more confirmation to my heart that in others that carry pieces of those you lost is where your pain can turn into laughter, it is where you truly can find the light in all the darkness you feel.

I learned how my father for so long knowing he was such a tough person to never ever be the God seeking man to see he spent most of his life dedicated to a church and every person in that church also made me understand that God truly does want you to be the person that your put here on this earth to be.  To never ever judge someone by the tough domineers you see, to look further into the person to see who they really are.   Being love, giving love, letting people know they are seen; helping out of unselfishness not wanting to be noticed for what you do is really how we should all be.  My father was that and so much more in every aspect of all of him.  To my heart I gladly take that with me, to take something away from that person who has passed and keeping it alive is truly honoring their life, it is keeping their legacy alive, enjoying the life they loved and carrying on their traits, their love, is truly where you find your tears will turn into the greatest of love of all.  Tonight I thought would be a painful night was actually a night my heart was lifted; tonight was a night I took in my entire father, to smile in knowing we weren’t so different after all.  I take deep pride to of have so many know that he was my father.  I’m proud tonight to know that we were more similar than I wanted to believe before.  The things I once looked at that I had of his to complain about, my hands, my feet, my nose, I now am proud to have and love the resemblances so much more. 

 

 

As I stood up to speak of my father which I thought I would never have enough strength to do and planned on not being able to do it but did do it proved to me that we are the ones that hold us back from things we can do by letting ourselves believe we can’t.  As I stood up to speak and looked to every person that loved my father so much I felt that my heart opened so much more than it already was, that our hearts if we allow will always be able to open so wide each and every day to grow into the person we want to be.  As I stood there I felt as though my father was standing right there next to me smiling proud that all these people finally got to see his daughter, that in me was some of him, I stood tall for my father tonight and will continue to every day knowing in me is his love, his qualities, his legacy.  Never ever for not wanting anything to do with speaking to crowds I would of never thought how natural and full of love it felt like tonight.

 

There was not one bad memory of my father as so many spoke of memories of him, I smiled so much and laughed in knowing that yes that all sounded like my father, that these people truly knew him and embraced him for him.  Yes we may have had many lost time between us but now I take away the gift of knowing that all that was given back to us both when God granted us back to one another in the hospital as I told him all my heartfelt to say, to know the love of a father and daughter can never be torn, damaged, or broke, that no matter what that piece of them is in you and you in them forever.  Tonight I learned it’s not about what you have it’s about what you give, it’s about loving who you are no matter what bad qualities you have because the love will always override the bad, that not one person in this world don’t have some bad qualities in them it’s just about being able to embrace and love yourself and then carry that love out into the world.  God granted me a huge lesson tonight, he granted me the love that I’ve felt been missing for so long has always been there for me to feel it, to acknowledge it and accept it. 

 

God granted my heart peace in knowing my father was blessed with so many and so much love.  That he may have lived a simple life but the love he carried wasn’t simple at all.  That to see people on the outside is not truly seeing someone, to see a person with love is truly how you will see who they are.  I stand tall representing my father and will continue to keep what he loved so much alive, I will do what it was he did for so long, helping his church and being a part of all that loved him so much, embracing all that I can that touched his life.  You see when you lose someone it’s not about getting trapped in the pain it’s about filling your heart up of their love by celebrating their life and doing what they loved doing in their time here on earth.  Yes tears from time to time may be shed but in the doing of what they loved doing will help those tears to become less, to realise now is the time that you can take in that person so much more than what you could when they were here.

 

 

 

Losing my father hit me like a ton of bricks making me feel so regretful, full of resentment of time lost between us but if you look out further you will find the silver lining that is trying to speak to you, when you embrace those that loved the one that have passed away you will see a piece of that person in every person you fully embrace to see that person you lost isn’t at all far away from you.  I think the biggest thing I take away from this is just how powerful LOVE can be if you let it, that people may seem to be so hard on the outside but the outside is not what that person is about, to understand in us all is piece of one another, look to someone as though you are looking in a mirror to see yourself.  My father I know knew I loved him; he knew I loved him because no matter what the father daughter love is always and will forever remain there.  I am in awe still to of seen so much love in one room by so many that truly loved my father, not judging him by the outside but by seeing the love he had in him.  Never ever have I ever been embraced by so many people that I didn’t know with so much love as I have tonight which also made me realise that love don’t only exist to those you know love is to exist everywhere you go no matter if a friend, stranger, family, love is to be loved to everyone you pass by, to everyone that walks past by you, love is to be used out to everyone in this world.

 

Grief is hard yes, but to lighten it up you have to be able to love yourself, you have to be able to find ways to love out in the world, you have to surround yourself with so many that loved your loved ones passed to speak of memories, to do what it was they loved doing, you have to find a little piece of them to keep alive here on earth, through it all you will see they really never went anywhere you just can’t see them, but you sure can always feel their love through it all.  When you feel the tears coming on remember something very special of that person passed to keep the tears from falling so hard.  Look out into the world to see it’s there and there are so many who need you to embrace their life.  The saying “God puts people in your life for a reason” is truly words to go by, and understand you are that some person for someone somewhere out there in the world in their time of need.  Embrace all of that person’s memory to understand living here for them doing what they love is truly where grief will lift you up to carry you through your hardest times. 

When the helper of grief becomes a griever I truly know it’s as though you feel in all of you that you   feel in some ways a hypocrite but truly you are far from it your just gaining more lessons learned to keep carrying on that love you have to help so many more that you can out there, that after all the gift given to me by my husband was where I started, it was through my grieving I found my strength to help not just myself but others out there in this world.  Your purpose will never let you forget what it is you need to be doing, your heart; soul, mind and body will never let you forget what it is your needed to do.  My father truly touched my soul tonight, he truly made me see that the two of us were more similar than I ever could of imagined, it made me feel so much more love in my heart to know that we shared so many similar qualities, after all he is my dad and that is only natural, yet tonight I finally felt proud to be similar to him, I finally felt that unconditional love for him that I have tried for so long, each and every person gave that to me tonight that knew him.

 

 

NOTE TO ALL:  If you are struggling of a loss of someone that you truly feel you don’t know, or were distant with, seek out love, seek out all those that truly loved that person and you shall find the love you lost for that person is right there in that room with you to fill your heart with all the love you need that you felt you could never find.  I bet you that you will even find similarities that make your heart beam in knowing that you were so similar but not knowing before to realise now.  Don’t let the hurt, anger, resentment over power the love that you need.  Dad where ever you are I will forever stand tall full of love of who you were and who you are, I stand proud to hold your love with me where ever I go, I will forever be smiling in knowing just how alike we are.  From this day forward I will keep doing the littlest to biggest things you loved doing here on earth to keep your legacy alive always. 

 



Even though not here you still brought the biggest of lessons to me tonight, and through it all you still will as I celebrate you and get to know those that loved you so much, I said it again and know you know but "Dad I LOVE YOU and I'm so proud of you and to be your daughter".