Dedicated to My Dad

 

 

This past week has taught me many of lessons, lessons to my heart, mind, soul.  From the beginning of a phone call letting me know my father was in ICU and very sick to the end of his life here on earth.  I remember the very first day of finding he was so sick, I remember feeling so many mixed emotions that I didn’t even know what to touch upon first.  The feeling I felt was that feeling of everything in you just breaks, that even though my father and I had never been close, that he was never part of my life the words of that phone call broke me, I cried liked never before in shock of saying to myself and being angry “why is this so hard?, it’s not like we were the normal close daughter and father type”.  Than to come to realise that it did not matter he was my father that the love of that bond was still there, it was the resentment, the anger, the grudge that kept me in in the dark never ever thinking that I’d be faced with this day.  That’s just it so many are so into holding on to grudges that it suffocates them from the love they should release no matter what the case may be.  That no matter how tough it is its always in you to forgive, to forgive with all the love you carry, to forgive for yourself, to not let that grudge take away any piece of love that you should have, that you need, that you should carry.  That was one of my many lessons through this most painful times I’ve endured through this past week.

I’m thinking to myself through this all why am I typing a post? Why am I even thinking of wanting to post anything in this point of my pain?  Then I realised that this is me, this blog is my heart, this is where I started my healing to notice others being helped as well, that no matter what it is here where I need to be, to never let go, to never give up, to never let anything give up on why it is I am here and why I chose to do this.  Flash backs happened so much while I watched my father in the end of his life that many times I felt I couldn’t breathe, that I wanted to give up, that this was it I couldn’t go through this again.  I remember thinking to myself that “I cannot do another day of being in the hospital, that I didn’t have it in me to do it.  Yet little by little there I was back at the hospital, realising that there is something in us all to push ourselves to do things, that if we tell ourselves can’t, won’t, for too long than we believe it but letting that go to understand in your heart that with every ounce of love in you that you can do it, that you do it for the love of the person that needs you.  Another lessoned learned, the toughest of things you feel that are so debilitating can be turned into only what you tell yourself that it is, that you can change your mind to know “YES I can do this”, that you are needed, that in that moment of time you take the baby steps to get to where you need and take the time to get there that you need. 

As I watched my father it was as though all of what I held against him for so long not realising it still was in me, I felt it disappear, I looked to him truly as my father that no matter what he helped give me life, that in me is a part of him, that no matter what hurt we carried because one another right now right in this week is our second chance, our second chance wouldn’t be him getting better and getting closer, it was all right here in this hospital in this week where we would get the second chance we needed.  It’s where I truly felt like his daughter, that he truly loved me so much that it didn’t matter he was absent before that was the past and needed to be left there, that in this present moment this is where we rekindle our father daughter relationship.  It was in the hospital during his last days I’ve felt the most closest I’ve ever felt to him.  I believe God gave us this gift no matter how painful it was he left this earth God granted our hearts peace, love, serenity, and filled our hearts both with each other’s love that was lost for so long.  Looking at him on the most memorable days were two days I seen him smile, he laughed with us, he talked with us, I seen how proud he was of me in his eyes that sparkled no matter how sick he was. 

 

 

 

 

I remember unlike before I felt I could touch him, hold his hand, kiss his forehead, tell him I love you unlike before where it was all unnatural feeling to me to do, it actually felt uncomfortable for me to say that and do those things before but in those moments it felt natural, it felt it was the way it should of always been. 

Seeing him so helpless made me fall apart yet being so close to him never felt before brought such peace to my heart.  This last week of his life was the week my heart truly became full, that where that hole was missing his love it was no longer.   Seeing he helped so many was something I never knew of him, seeing so many loved and adored him was nothing I never knew, seeing this was another lesson, he definitely was not the person I assumed he was.  That he truly had a heart for people in need and was living his purpose, that all the anger I carried in me had me to believe he could never be capable of being that person, in shock I cried, I cried so hard knowing just exactly what anger, resentment, and hurt could do to you, what it always will do to you if you do not let it go, forgiving is for our hearts, not pretending and putting it aside making yourself believe that you have when you know you didn’t.  Through this all I actually had seen a big part of me in him, that too much time was spent in holding on to so much hurt that it totally erased the vision, the true vision of my father.  Life is truly too short to ignore the facts of any denial you hold of someone, let it go and let the love come forward, no matter what, no matter how big your ego wants to hold on it’s not about that, you truly have to break that ego to step forward to feel nothing but love, no matter how hard, no matter how much you feel you don’t want to, no matter what it is that someone has done, just LOVE. 

Remembering his smile, his laugh, how he called me mean because I wouldn’t let him drink pop because the nurse informed me he couldn’t.  Having to get real close to him to ask the biggest question of his life and seeing in his eyes he meant what his wishes were strongly, that he knew the outcome but didn’t want to be put back on the breathing machine, how hard it was for me to go against his wishes, yet listening to his heart in knowing it was his wishes, hearing his words “I don’t have a death wish, I just don’t want that machine again”.  Feeling my heart shatter knowing what the outcome would be just by those simple words of no.  Through it all, the pain, the tears, this time was a time I truly felt yes my dad did love me, that he always had, in these moments I have never been so close to him as I have ever been before, it was as though my heart was broken yet at the same time it was being filled with that hole that was there for far too long, feeling broke yet feeling peace. 
 

 

 
The last night before he left this earth, I remember the words that were so hard to speak were there, that in all of me it was time, I asked for us to be alone and told him all of what it was I felt, I held his hand and knew in my heart he was listening.  “dad I love you, I will always love you, I know that we had so much in between us but it doesn’t matter, your my father, you did the best that you could, that I know that, all of that is the past so let’s both let go of it and be here now, dad I forgive you and hope you forgive me to, that I was so proud that he was my father that no matter what absence we had that the love was always there, that I love you so much, that I was part of him, he was part of me, that his granddaughter will always love him no matter how little she knew him, that no matter what it was ok to not want to fight no more since he’s been through so much already that it was ok that I loved him so much and will always love him no matter where I am, no matter where he is”  As I spoke from  my heart to him I felt him squeeze my hand a little, moved his body and opened his baby blues just for a second.  In that moment I felt the world had lifted from my heart, that so much time was gone yet within seconds that time was all given back to us in just those words and with the most love I’ve ever could of felt.  In this week God granted us peace, he granted us our love, he granted us our forgiveness, he gave us back to one another.  I remember before having this conversation how I had to be present seeing him have a seizure, in that moment I felt no not yet Lord please not yet, my heart is so full of words unspoken that please let it be.  As I cried so hard praying so hard God give me the strength to go through this he settled and calmed down, you see in those hard moments in life you tell yourself you can’t do it yet if you let it go to let it be with God, he will be the extra strength you need, he will show just how much that you can do in this life you are living, that the hardest lessons are the greatest of blessings to your soul.  I truly believe the people dealt with the hardest lessons will always be the ones that truly will see just what life is, that they will know just what it is they have in them to make it through anything, only just only if grant God to carry you if you need to.

The morning of the night before I had to truly say good bye to my father he had left this earth, tears came never to stop as I kissed his forehead, touched his hand, looked at him looking so peaceful that I just knew we both had the peace we needed for each other’s hearts for so long, that the look on his face was a look of confirmation that yes his little girl did love him, that here on earth she will always love him, that she will always carry him with her, that there was a special place for him in her heart always.  Remembering just two years earlier the loss of my husband I understood that there is a difference in emotions of those that we lose.  AS we all see the different stages of grief it’s not about that to me it’s the different levels of love, emotions to each person we lose, the difference of how it impacts our hearts individualized by the relation to that person.  I pray to God to this day he grants me all that I need to bare another great loss, than look to my blog to understand it is me now that will have to practise what I preach, to look within to find the help here that I need, as I wish for all those that come here to read my blog.  God granted a daddyless daughters love back that was missing for so long, that even though short lived it was exactly what we both had needed.  I learned after my father’s passing that everything he left behind was left to me to do, no will, no power of attorney, it was all left to me, I felt heavy yet within seconds I looked to the sky and said “I got you dad, its ok”.  So here I am again finding the wrath of grief, sometimes feeling helpless and so much pain, the waves of emotions that come on so quick yet knowing it’s ok I know I can do it, it’s hard work but not anything I haven’t been doing already, that I fully accept what it is I need to do to make it through this again, that no matter what we are all built to have the strength in us, that in the hardest of lessons are the brightest of students.

Lately I have been finding that being outside surrounded by all of nature, all of beautiful things in this life is truly where your heart opens, it is truly where you release the pain weighing heavy on your heart, it’s outside where you find your quiet in the peace that is around, it truly to me is where most miracles have happened.  Sitting in my back yard last night feeling the wave of an emotion coming on, as my tears fell to the ground I prayed, “please Lord let my father find his way to where he needs to be, please give him the strength, please whisper to his soul that even though he knows I love him so much”  as I spoke these words in my mind as I looked to the sky I seen the biggest, brightest falling star, it was breath taking it was as though it was a fire work, so big, and color of green and just so full of brightness, as I seen it fall I smiled, I felt that wave emotion leave leaving me feel nothing but total peace of heart, peace of mind.  My heart felt my father’s love instantly like how I did when I was a little girl, the tears that fell stopped just as fast as they came. 

 

I looked to my little girl yet again to tell her “grandpa Wayne had to be with baby Jesus and daddy that the doctors tried to make him better as much as they could but baby Jesus needed him to be with him that now he’d be with daddy watching over us and loving us here where we are.  I see the tears start, her little tears and she said “now we both have no daddy but I know we can’t see them but there with us, that we would be ok” my little girl always makes me so proud in knowing that I see me in her just have I always wanted, to be the person I want to see her be that I knew me and her were on the right path and always will be.

NOTE TO ALL:  To every daughter out there that is able to be in touch with their father but chose to let anger, resentment, not being able to forgive hold them back from loving their father, from letting their father know they do love them I say “FORGIVE, let your love take away that all, let your love be the lead and just say it to them no matter what just say and let them know “I love you” because some day it may not ever be said, we don’t know what life will bring to anyone, if I can be a lesson to any daughter out there right now on bad terms with their father I pray I touch your hearts to take that step forward and be the love you were put on this earth to be.  It’s not about waiting for them to make the move, that you feel it is up to them to approach you, it is about being that love that was created by your father, it’s about forgiving for the love of yourself, to free you of the darkness that keeps you shaded from what the truest of love lays. 

Today I wanted to curl up and just be left alone, I wanted nothing to do with the life going on outside, but today was the day I had to have my dad’s back and make sure he got his proper resting grounds from this life, overwhelming emotion swept over me in knowing not only I had to prepare all of his wishes that later I’d have to face more people as well for an interview that was so important to me.  So I put on my pretty outfit, put on my make-up, did my hair and put on my pretty black high heels and pushed through it all no matter what because no one lives your life for you, that nothing will get done if you give in to not doing nothing at all.   Even though inside I was full of pain I had to stand strong for myself, for my father, for my future, that no matter what in this life it is up to you to push the boundaries you believe you can’t because through that is where you truly know you will always be able to do what it is you are faced against that no one else can own your duties to be done in life except for your own self.  Too many cant’s, wont’s, are spoken out there that it’s time you see I CAN’S, I WILL’S I AM’S.  I know there is hard days ahead but I know through it is where I will need to go to be exactly where I need to be.  Through the hard work my soul will learn to grow, through it I will hold within me lessons I can use to help others in their times of pain.  Hard work is where we find ourselves where we always dreamed we wanted to be.

Well Dad wherever you are I am so proud and feel so free that finally I can say I LOVE YOU, THAT I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU, I’m grateful that the part of me that felt I couldn’t kiss you, hold your hand and just be your daughter that I found I COULD, THAT I WOULD, THAT I ALWAYS WILL.

IN MEMORY OF WAYNE CAMPBELL 1949-2013

I’m Proud to be representing my father and both our love always.  God granted me the peace to let go, forgive and love you.